this is the window on the door where it will be. it's "purpose" is to help me be able to leave this place with no regret. again…that is down the road, maybe over a year. but i am connected here, so it will take a lot of work.
it is afternoon and the cloth is backlit by strong daylight. Raven is actually almost invisible when i stand across the room, in the kitchen.
what if the raven is on that light patch? what if you cut away the extra fabric after applying it?
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thing about the Raven is that it was stitched directly
onto the woven cloth which was on that backing of the
beautiful color ripstop nylon. the other night i cut
most of the ripstop off but can’t cut it from under the
raven because he is stitched to it. he would disappear.
all his threads would be cut. he is made of threads.
it’s only certain times of day he is not visible. it’s
an hour later from that last pic, Sun has shifted toward
the Rim and he is beginning to appear again.
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grace—first of all i have no idea what ripstop nylon is ——-
but is this the deal—that if you cut off the bottom part –say below the blue triangle-ish place—the raven would come apart?
& i know this is probably a much too personal &/or huge question —but why are you leaving & where are you going? ( of course feel free to pretend i never asked )
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uouuuu! I really like the idea of Raven coming and going with the light. He can be a trickster after all.
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yes. i should put the other pics on…from afternoon
to late evening and the difference is amazing.
yes. trickster.
back to that Barry Lopez….
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judy…there is no thing as too personal, and huge
questions are what it’s all about anyway…..
why am i leaving.
well, i am answering that question to my Self in these
next months. so it’s a good thing to write it here as
i go. you will be seeing many pics soon as i look at
what i have “caused” here. you will be looking at them
with me anyway. so…it’s a very good question that i
appreciate very much your asking. just know that the
answer is in process and may fine tune along the way.
i am leaving because of my daughter and granddaughter. my
son, in a round about way. more and more i am coming to
see that what i
think
about the truth of buddhist teachings
seems to be the truth of the reality of my experience.
there is a term
karmic ripening.
and here, no one should take anything at all i say as
correct, it is just my simple understanding at this moment in time…
but well…i’ll just be blunt (and this is the place where
the fine tuning comes in)
i have spent some years of my life
uhhh,
teaching my daughters (first and grand) independence of me.
independence in general.
independence as i wanted FROM them.
and now, surprisingly
they are teaching me
interdependence
tricky business.
what we have faced in this last year is what seems to
be
the reality that who we care about most on the planet
is
each other. in kind of an unusual way. as they have
achieved years, i find them to be very interesting women.
one in the middle of 38 and one young, 22 but very
interesting women. aside from blood, i respect them.
admire them. LIKE them. as much as i love them.
humorous conversations have always flown back and forth
that when i am so old that i don’t know who i am, they
will do me in, tie me to one of my trees with my drawing
pencils and set us on fire. it has been a given.
last summer, daughter and i were in Albuquerque, having
to spend some hours waiting for 2 female dogs to be
spayed at the clinic, neither wanting to “shop”, neither
able to think of one better thing to do, so we sat in the
grass across from the Art Museum. conversation wandered.
and wandered.
i could “feel” something wanting to be said and it finally
WAS. daughter said: “if i wanted to move closer to
Alyssia (her daughter) so i could participate in Julian’s
life (her daughter’s son), and i did, at what point exactly
would you be willing to come where we were?”
and since that day, we have found ourselves almost
embarassed at first, and less and less to face the fact
that all that independence from one another has left us
feeling really ok about being WITH each other.
so…she, being the Organized one of us looked at the map
of the United States.
Where, she wondered, could all of us need to compromise
the least? this includes my son in Denver.
turns out to be northern california.
that day, by the art museum, i was amazed to hear myself
say something to the effect: ok. i will defer. i will
defer to your dream, your necessity. yes. i can defer.
i have done what i needed to do here. now it’s your turn.
ok.
so.
this is an answer in a nutshell. there is so much more.
she will find a place near Chico, Red Bluff California.
Take her little herd of Nigerian Dwarf Dairy Goats. I
will follow when i can.
again…thank you for asking. questions help. i will
feel compelled to talk about it anyway.
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grace—i also feel that there is no question too personal –& huge is what its all about –but i don’t want to presume/assume others share that —but also don’t want to presume/assume they don’t –therefore –the question.
thank you more than i can say for jumping in the way you did. i know there are so many stories here–& i understand that you are speaking from what you know to be your truth in this moment. it is unfolding.
there is so much in your words that i want to ponder –more that i want to say —
but for now –again —thank you–
your words, your thoughts, your story -a gift.
& it just happens to be my 64th birthday—the moon is full —& my heart is even more open now than it was before you answered.
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judy…happy birthday to you, then. isn’t it amazing?…
birth days.
yes. i looked up at that moon this eve late…yes.
there ARE a million stories here as there are in any
woman’s life. why we come close, why we keep distance.
from our children, from all else.
it’s important to tell it , i think.
even if the truth changes as it unfolds, as we speak it.
speaking it, stitching it
we tell.
thank you. it means a lot that you ask. it means a lot
that you listen. it means a lot that we share, exchange
the experiences that bring us to this point in time.
this is one of the reasons i am willing to
defer
to these
two women
who happen to be tied by blood.
to come upon others not connected in this way is nothing
to me but true miracle.
so…my heart is open to you. thank you and again
happiness on this day of your birth
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i’m trying to go to bed –have to be up early tomorrow & i’ve been sick this week —but my mind won’t rest.
i think in speaking our truths they WILL change. it seems to me to be part of the deal here. but then -ha-they change even if we never say a word. so we may as well spill it & in the telling learn more than we would have otherwise. i totally believe this. theres an alchemy–pure & simple.
the story on the grass in front of the museum is so filled with tenderness –with a kind of awakening–& courage–
why we come close, why we keep distance –theres a big one –could go on forever with that —
while buddhist thought is not foreign to me i don’t know what karmic ripening means —& i don’t know why you say you are deferring. it seems to me ( & believe me i am aware that i only have a tiny glimpse of all this ) that you are actively choosing. choosing who you want to spend your life with –& what will bring you the most joy.
thank you for the sweet birthday wishes.
i’m glad i know you. now –to bed —hopefully —
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you understand.
go to sleep.
i will too.
tomorrow is good enough.
much love
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grace, this made me cry. i am so envious of you having time with your daughter. i will write more later. thank you for writing that.
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i understand totally
much love back to you
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i’ve read it all, the question and the answer, all i can say is travel well. one door slowly closes and another slowly opens. k.
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thank you.
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always doors, always threshholds
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well…..
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Nice wrtiings. I especially like what Judy said ” there is no question too personal &huge” as everyone should be aware by now is my philosophy, but she said it more eloquently. also like “with the spilling and telling we learn more than we would have otherwise” 🙂
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it’s just life. i have no shyness.
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windthread 
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