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!60! days!!!!

and a funny little day it was.  cleaned that house with the Windmill.  grocery.  i bought an odd packet of Panda Brand sauce for lettuce wrap.  Why????  i don't know.  but i've opened it and it tastes really good.  ok.  and dog food.  which was really why i stopped at the store.  and then, i called the Old Cowboy to see if he needed anything from the store tomorrow.  no, but did i get an ear full.  Two hours of it.  but maybe at least half was HIS earfull.   he awoke yester day and couldn't breathe.  like…couldn't get a breath that gave him oxygen.  it really scared him.  so we talked about that and it went on and on to his toe nail and more.  he'll be85 in June.  i ragged on him about Trying.  about not giving up on Trying.  he doesn't really listen.  everything is Black and White.  This whole thing or That whole thing.  he won't listen to all the grey inbetween.  it went on.  Me talking about the grey.  him not listening, till i told him about how a body dies.  about how, if in fact, he couldn't get a "good breath", he would have kind of fainted.  i told him about how i had watched 3 people die, from start to finish, and felt like i had something of substance to say.  this he listened to.  how there are those moments when y0u cant get a good breath but then, stuff begins to gracefully shut down.  you "faint".  and the body quietly closes down business.  you don't even know.  it's organic.  so i told him that he has already experienced the FEAR and there's nothing more beyond that.  that after what he has already experienced, it's just an organic thing.  and will really be none of his business.  unless he has done his "homework", which he hasn't.  so..he would just drift off.  i say this here, but the conversation was not easy.  it was fraught with stuff, like "I thought you would keep me in my own  home!!!!!!"  which i oh eeeee, really dislike.  of course.  of course we want it to go how we want it.  …..but…..

all the while, the Goats were Calling.  Food!  Food!  Food!

and here is Buckwheat.  he has rubbed off all his winter hairs and is very Handsome

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and 

here is the Sky

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woops

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35 responses to “!60! days!!!!”

  1. Laura R Avatar
    Laura R

    First of all, Buckwheat is a gorgeous manly goat specimen. I have a little pic of him on my desktop.
    Second, I feel for you, trying to talk a black and white male through death. Sure sounds as though you are doing all you can. He will end up doing what he will do, for lack of emotional planning. Sometimes they fight it, figure it out, or go with the flow. It seems that he hoped you would have most the answers, and I feel your answers were matter-of-fact, and gracious. Goodwill and much luck with your friend. xoxo

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  2. Nance Avatar
    Nance

    Well I was reading along … Here is buckwheat … Here is sky…( a goat name I don’t remember?)… And I go back and look at buckwheat again thinking the resemblance to sky is remarkable….. Back and forth… Can’t see them at the same time… Then I finally see that you have made an error in labeling! Well I am really not back on planet earth yet. And yes buckwheat is remarkably handsome. I have caught up from over a week of missed blogs. Things seem to move fast in your world…. When read like this. So many components that make up ones life and they all are like the planets with their own rotations, atmosphere and evolution. My own planet seems to be spinning faster and faster. I’m ready for some space travel to a slow ver planet…. Oh wait, I just did that didn’t I? That’s probably why things seem so fast… I’m catching up to speed though…

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  3. Minka Avatar
    Minka

    Maybe he will absorb what you said, over time but then if he’s been black and white for 85 years, it could be hard habit to break. I agree about the homework. Get that done and everything else flows.
    Buckwheat is handsome. The rectangular irises of goats scare me a bit…not sure why.

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  4. elizabeth fortes Avatar
    elizabeth fortes

    I’m sorry but this seems like the toughest and funniest conversation! Maybe it is me today!
    I’m laughing because I’ve paid my taxes…. quite a lot of it , it seems to me! I’d have a waaay better use for that bit of money that has passed on to the gov….. but I really found that “oops” of double buckwheat pictures quite funny!
    Maybe this post won’t go through like so many of mine, lately, but if it goes, I’ll be feeling kinda exposed, I think… so we’ll see…. I just love the pics and the description of this really essential lesson about how much you, Grace, do know about this matter of death and living! Much, much love! e.
    PS: i’m still laughing….Thanks!

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  5. Mo Crow Avatar
    Mo Crow

    ah Grace you are so kind! when an irrespectable old boyfriend of mine was on his way off this mortal coil he was still cussing and kicking things around right to his last breath. I mentioned to a mutual friend that it would be good if he could just let go with a bit of grace and find some peace… he just laughed and said, ” who are we talking about? he will never go quietly!” Damien was loud, outspoken & outrageous, a wild thing who could never toe the line not for anyone and what the heck we all loved him for that! he was only 53 when he died, “live fast die young and leave a beautiful corpse” was our motto all those years ago… I will always remember him flying a hand made kite on the beach in Adelaide when we were bright young things… RIP

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  6. Elizabeth Avatar
    Elizabeth

    Thank you for letting me listen in on that conversation with the Old Cowboy which was really good for me to hear.
    Those goats are beautiful.

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  7. Cynthia Avatar
    Cynthia

    …it is 4 am here and i am suddenly awake…we have a male mockingbird..desperately seeking a mate and he sings and sings…all night long…i know he will stop when he finds his mate ..but right now it seems so strange to wake up in the dark by a bird song…it is a lovely song though.i am not complaining…
    it is good of you and important that you share not just time but these words with your Old Cowboy..it is kind,,i remember staying with a patient once, an old man who was terrifie of dying alone and once he got into a hospital he was so worried about dying at change of shift..which of course he actually almost did..i went in to sit with him after giving report and was just sitting there holding his hand as his breathing became slower and slower….i haven’ thought of him in years
    i remember too , how much easier it was holding my dad’s hand …my mom and i both thought he ws way beyond us when he suddenly just well Looked at her and said her name and how much he loved her…the first clear not twisted with pain words we had heard from him in days…what an amazing gift he gave her. as he died…and how infinitely harder it was to sit by my mother,,,how amazing the space we had woven together around my father had been,,,almost tangible a golden cloth of early morning light…and how i missed that very thing…the weaving of a spirit cloth around her…made with her..
    i was so happy to have them home, to have time and space …for them..for myself…but so often..as with my change of shift man..it was/it is simply most importantly , the being there, the listening and the words shared,,the hard words shared
    exciting news after dinner…the two bucklings have been sold, the 6 lovely little does to will stay, the spring season starts to build in earnes,first csa boxes go out this weekend,,.
    you have had two long days of listening…time well spent and valuable…but i wish you some space today.. and time ….oh i have been sitting here lost in memory..and then thinking of you so far away in a place so different from this one…and the whole time the mockingbird has seemingly not missed a note..i am going to snuggle back down for a while..have a wonderful morning…

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  8. Marti Avatar
    Marti

    60 days – and I too am finally caught up reading windthread: a new grandchild due in September and I smile cause Sept. is my birthday month; greening land, a singular day cloth and in that stitched down circle and the other circle on the other cloth, a full circle of moments that make up a life on a patch of land that thrives, blooms, gives not only to you and the dear goats but has given us 60 good days filled with images and cloth and conversation…it doesn’t get much better…

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  9. patricia Avatar
    patricia

    that conversation with cowboy. know that experience a little. of words not adhering. or whatever they do. you tried. and clearly didn’t get attached to the results–so what else could you do? nothing i imagine. and yesterday i was lucky enough to see a herd of dwarf nigerians and of course thought of you and now these beautiful images. goat and sky. thank you.

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  10. Julie Avatar
    Julie

    the cowboy may not have heard you,but I sure did. Thank you. And ps, that Buckwheat, what a hunk! Do you groom their beards or is that smooth, strong tangle-free hair just come naturally?

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  11. jude Avatar
    jude

    nicely put grace. we need not explain these things to cats or goats.

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  12. handstories Avatar
    handstories

    buckwheat’s handsomeness is worth two photos.

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  13. linda Avatar
    linda

    i always love that sky.

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  14. jennann Avatar
    jennann

    breath…inspire…expire…

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  15. yvette Avatar
    yvette

    typical
    half done (fear) rest organic
    so it is

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  16. kat Avatar
    kat

    Glad to know I’m not the only one who fell behind in reading of blogs (Nance). And yes, I agree, Buckwheat really is worth two photos of beauty. You continue to inspire me – just wish I could keep up! I did some work in the studio and showed a teaser – still trying to perfect photos of finished pieces. I so envy your irises – tried to grow some where I last lived, and the green came up, but no blooms. They are one of the things I miss from the midwest –
    Done with the ramble – so glad you are here to visit 😉

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  17. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    how wonderful you have Buckwheat there!…SMILE….
    and well…gracious? i don’t know. sometimes it takes
    something odd to catch is attention for even just a moment.
    but…you know what? he probably will live longer than i
    will.

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  18. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    glad to have given you a puzzle to figure out! i saw
    that i did that but was too lazy to go back and delete one.
    SPINNING, fast, slow, spinning…..
    xoxo

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  19. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    they are really different. but when they are looking
    right at you, there is such a wonderful feeling to them…

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  20. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    OH! i’m so GLAD you found it humorous…Funny, even!
    all our serious conversations are really, Funny, when
    repeated. at some point in the circular circular circular
    conversation i yell….LISTEN TO ME! THEN REPEAT AFTER
    ME WHAT I JUST SAID. and he won’t but i become totally
    silent and finally, he says…What did you say?
    We should be a TV show. one of those Reality Shows.
    people would watch.

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  21. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    he just worries about his money. it’s funny. he
    really looks so forward to having everyone say,
    and this is a real quote,…”That ole RT. That ole
    son of a bitch!” i’m on his death money list too, but
    i always tell him that at some point, it won’t matter.
    i’ll say Adios and turn him over to someone new. and she
    can take my place on that list that i will not “donate”
    my own life to him.
    we really do have terrible exchanges. but it’s been 18
    years. too long.

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  22. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    well….i have a feeling that repeats of those conversations might get more frequent.
    and Goats…Goats are so much more elegant than Old Goats.

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  23. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    that’s beautiful…about your Dad and Mom.
    and that Mockingbird!!!!!!!!!!! YES!!!! here too. sometimes i go outside in the night and yell up into the tree to go
    away. but he just gets silent till i go in, that starts up again. and the Thrasher and Mockingbird couple vie for
    nesting place in the Mexican Elderberry. every year i
    vote for the Thrashers, but most years the Mockingbirds
    prevail. so, we get NEW mockingbird young..EEEEeeeee
    and you can’t help but listen, really. and i always
    end up trying to figure out how many different sounds they
    make…they are really amazing…
    the first CSA….ohhhhh….
    and 4 doelings….i hope beyond hope for doelings….
    LOVE

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  24. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    it really doesn’t, does it, Marti. it’s good. really
    really good.
    Love…

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  25. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    ohhhh…you SAW some there???? Aren’t they just
    the best? i love all the designs they can come in. am
    looking forward to seeing if Buckwheat’s leggings are
    inherited by any of these kids…

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  26. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    yup. a true hunk. and snotty too. if i take too
    long bringing his food he starts flinging his bowl all
    around. his use of his horns if deft.
    no….the beards…it’s really something…they are like
    that. i can’t even touch him “in person”. through the
    fence he will now come to the very edge of my fingertip
    but that’s it and contact. which is not at all good.
    and is why the little ones need to much attention in the
    beginning. but sometimes they just are not into it. no
    matter. they are a mystery in many ways.

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  27. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    that’s why i have such enormous respect for animals.
    and thanks. i felt kind of exasperated and hard on
    him, but he really was driving me NUTS.

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  28. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    yes. for sure. 3 maybe even. he would be pleased
    to know. he has quite an opinion of himself.

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  29. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    yup…that sky. it fixes Everything if only i remember
    to look up.

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  30. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    it’s really how it is.
    and on a serious note, really such an incredible Moment.

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  31. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    Yvette…i tried to comment on your blog. will try
    again tonight….
    BIG LOVE

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  32. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    kat…it’s possible you planted the tubers too deeply???
    re plant them….just a little down. i’ll come look
    at your place.
    xoxo

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  33. kat Avatar
    kat

    Oh, how sweet you are, grace! I’ve since moved from the place where the iris just greened and went no further – had to leave them behind, unfortunately.
    I’ll keep trying, though. I have a friend who had given me some from her excess in her garden. I’ll see if she has more, and try here. I don’t think I went too deep before, since I remember just giving excess a heave-ho to vacant land across the street from my childhood home and seeing them right themselves and take off. Remembering that vision from xxxxxxxxx years ago, I took that into account. But we shall see what this place yields (or not).
    Going to hard freeze here again tonight, so of course, must wait a while longer to plant anything outside – when will it ever be SPRING?!

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  34. Dee Avatar
    Dee

    maybe your ‘black and white’ is needing him to understand or shift?
    I found the passage humorous as well, and the grocery list thrown in… like reading a wonderful V. Woolf passage where every daily thing has its weight and import.
    I watched my mother die and my beloved cat of 13 years. My mother’s last words to us, her kids, was “don’t fight” (and shortly thereafter, I didn’t talk to my sister for 9 years, so she clearly knew something!). But she chose her terms with death, in a very determined way, which did not surprise any of us, because that’s how she lived, too.
    Tyler, the cat, just wanted to be outdoors and left alone, sitting for long hours in the cool shade under the peony leaves, but I couldn’t bear the thought of losing him and not having a body to bury… so after watching him starve for a couple more weeks, waking each morning wondering if he’d be gone or not, we finally brought him to the vet for an injection. It was terrible.

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  35. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    you’re right. it is my black and white. what it has
    taught me MOST is never to “promise” something that is
    also black and white. to rather say…”I’ll do my best”.
    and leave it at that.
    i started cleaning for him 18 years ago this August. every other week. the cleaning still is every other week. that’s what he Employs me to do…like gives me money. and over
    time it’s morphed into being the only person that comes and goes through his door except for the mailperson. All his
    grocery shopping, all his medical appoints, all his deciphering mail, bills, all his check writing, all his
    All. and he IS good hearted in a certain way, but he is
    not…NOT…really a very appealing human being. but how can you fault someone for that?
    and really, he could very well go on for many more years.
    and i DID say….”i’ll keep you out of the Old Folks Home”. but that was 18 years ago. maybe 10 too. but it
    never occured to me to think about becoming 67 myself and
    being held to that promise. so…yes…you are right.
    it’s me causing me my own feelings.
    they are just piling up. him, Alz B who maybe even takes
    up more space in my life being IN the Old Folks Home, the
    Autistic 13 yo dog who has some kind of HUGE and HORRIBLE
    WEEPING GROWTH on his shoulder that he works at 24/7 and
    beloved Gideon who gets more rickety day by day. and i’m
    thinking that i have only some years before i join the
    ranks. and yes. it’s terrible to put an animal down.
    Ramone, the disgusting dog, would be terrified if i took
    him to the vet. he’s never been away from here…was
    born here. oh…and i forgot his mother Tulip. she’s
    a wreck too.
    well….that was a mouthfull, wasn’t it.
    love

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