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118

early this morning

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an almost Bloom in the garden of the Child Buddha

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Mercy has taken up lying on the little back porch, against the door.  the door from the Room.  Mercy is the one most "self attached" to me.  i am hers.

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the bustier that Julie sent from Dead Horse Bay…now pinned to the damask cloth, pinned to the West Curtain.  How Beauty Full is THIS???????????????

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and the altar cloth.   truly a Solstice cloth, i think.  

i was feeling kind of crazy.  i am concerned that i made a mistake…..seperating the does.  Moving the most of them…leaving the two mothers back.  i got lost in the potential error of it.  and went over and over and over all the reasons why.  at one point in the day there was a sense of not knowing what was really Real about it all.  me knowing i need to somehow Ground myself.  and i couldn't.  it's been a really long time since i have felt this sense of disconnection/confusion.  Animals are so much harder for me than People.  People you say words to.  Animals have a different form of communication.  Right?

anyway…there were hard hours.  and i stitched.  i finished the Kantha and suddenly searched for the odd threads………….put them in the Center., flowing out.  This cloth to me is about a kind of Order.  Order of seasons.  Order of Physics.  Order of the highest sense of Order .  and i breathed that in.  i needed it.

and almost as a post script, but really not at all,  i called the Vet and made an appointment tomorrow at 2pm for 3 of the baby's disbudding.  That one little red buck…his horn buds are the most prominent and he is so so so small.  i talked to nurse Cindy about it and she was ok with my changing plan.  i just told her that i am too "weak" to be a very integral part of the process.  i can't.  i feel like i should.  but i can't.  and i am now sitting with that.  with the fact that there are some things i just Cannot Bring My Self to Do.  Can't.  and looking at it….if that is OK.  or if that is uhhh, not taking responsibility.  i don't know.  but i was afraid.  ok.  i was afraid. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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34 responses to “118”

  1. Marti Avatar
    Marti

    It is ok to be afraid, to admit that some things are better for others to do; it takes courage to be afraid and I love you.

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  2. Valerianna Avatar
    Valerianna

    It seems courageous to me to make another choice because you don’t feel comfortable – that you honor that you are afraid – takes courage to walk through fear, AND it takes courage to make another choice. There are no rules here, are there? Other than the ones you make and in honoring the goats’s needs – and honoring yours? Seems to me that making things more easeful for you might be a good self-care choice when it all seems like a lot. Maybe next time, maybe you will get used to things more and will be able to do the disbudding. Can’t imagine going through that if you are afraid. I imagine the goats would feel that, too, and then, that would create havoc, I’m sure.

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  3. grace Avatar
    grace

    i thank you for loving me. i need it.
    i am still thinking about the experience of this day. not
    the usual. different. and what, really, Was/Is it?

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  4. grace Avatar
    grace

    no. there are not rules here. and no, no previous
    experience to rely on. playing it by Ear.
    and actually, i think there is just
    needs.
    i can’t seperate theirs and mine.
    and a lot of it, the Uneasy~ness, was connected to that
    feeling that i “knew” more. had “seen” more, but i didn’t
    know where. was it a dream? was it associated strongly
    with another life experience? i didn’t know. but the
    sense of it was so strong, and that added to the feeling
    of being afraid….because i couldn’t
    put my finger on it

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  5. Mo Crow Avatar
    Mo Crow

    Ah (((Grace)))) there are procedures that the vet can do better like disbudding & castrating. He can administer a local anaesthetic and hand out some pain relief for the first few days too.Y’know I find animals ever so much easier to deal with than people as the words don’t get in the way. You are the herdswoman looking out for the needs of the herd & listening well to what is happening each day.

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  6. Jan Avatar
    Jan

    (grace) I echo what Valerianna said about self-care. you are listening to your body/mind in an honest and sensitive way. stitching took you there so that is taking care of self as well. your needs and the goats’ are intertwined. and perhaps the confusion and disconnect you were feeling was about more than that. . .not just your corner of the earth. glad you are getting help with something difficult.

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  7. Cynthia Avatar
    Cynthia

    oh grace just got back to vermont for ..it is al most 1 am and i am so tired but we lost power /internet in the storms and then another day of driving so i just got here and wanted to see how you were before i went to bed..and now i am here …it is amazing the rain has stopped and the moon is huge and the meadow is full of fireflies..i wasn’t expecting them ..there are mists rising in the hills across the valley and it is pretty magical and i am sitting here with my laptop trying not to smile…which was my true first reaction when i read the words ” i am too weak to be a part of the integral process ” oh grace i echo every single comment above..you are so much..you do not have to be everything. it is good to be able to let go of being so much sometimes…you are so whole and good and the way you are listening only underlines the care and commitment in you..i need to sleep right now but really grace..not weak…you have simply chosen //and well to change the process….sleep well xox much cynthia

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  8. Nance Avatar
    Nance

    Listen to all these people who love you grace. You sized up the situation and took care of it. That is not weak. That is wise. What I’df you had gone ahead when you were uncertain of success. Both you and the goats would have suffered. This way you can watch the vet and learn a bit more. Next time you will be more prepared. You are relatively new at all of this goat loving. I am proud of you my dear friend. You listened to your true and honest self and made the decision for the higher good… Not for your ego. Acknowledging your weakness, your fear … Is facing up to it. And isn’t that what we do? Stand and face? Bless your heart grace… I love you. And… I had a parallel experience today though on a smaller scale. So I stand with you. XOXOXO

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  9. Nance Avatar
    Nance

    Also… All of your photos today move me. All so crystal clear. Your confusion isn’t showing up in the pictures! I think your heart is not confused at all.

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  10. patricia Avatar
    patricia

    oh Grace. are you being too hard on yourself? this all seems to be about change–ever changing dynamics. ever changing awareness. you can always move the goats around again. maybe the first arrangement isn’t working. you’re paying attention to that. you can tweak and refine their accommodations. it is o.k. and you may have to make accommodations weekly or daily until you sense the ease of herd dynamics has been restored. but you also know that they change daily–moods. preferences shift for them as well. it’s o.k. AND you made the absolutely most correct decision to have a vet do the disbudding. you wanted to do it but you listened deeper to yourself. we cannot do every thing and it’s a horrible task and if not done correctly will lead to bigger problems later. so from where i’m sitting, you’ve made a very wise choice. you’ve come face to face with the situation and have realized that no, you don’t want to do it. don’t feel prepared–and maybe you’re not. that’s smart. there’s no doubt in my mind that if this were a life or death situation, and you had to make a decision and act on it in a crisis–THEN you would/could do it. but this isn’t life threatening. there is a gap. a space for you to feel around inside yourself and acknowledge that it doesn’t feel right. it just doesn’t. and so…there is a solution that serves both you and the goats–the vet. thank god.
    and the bustier. it’s stunning in its simplicity. seems to need nothing else but what it already has. the color is so rich and evocative of earth–and i love the solstice cloth. the sun as viewed through a nine patch. through a window.

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  11. Cynthia Avatar
    Cynthia

    oh awake sort of ..i need to go unload the car ugh and ugh..but bit by bit this house is filling with bits and pieces tht make it fill like home…but i must admit it is the view that holds me..not so much any thing inside…
    oh grace i am here before coffee..never a good thing but realized that last night i probably didnn’t say..oh the bustier..is Beauty Full and the solstice cloth is wonderful….such a celebration..honoring the change of season in every way…and i love the honor of the Order and how that guideds you even when you have some chaos in your heart..breathe deep and do not worry through this xox much cynthia
    .

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  12. beth Avatar
    beth

    It’s okay, Grace. (The Dalai Lama told me to tell you that.) With Love.

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  13. Valerianna Avatar
    Valerianna

    BTW – I just love the garden of the Child Buddha.

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  14. patricia Avatar
    patricia

    oh, me too, love it. and the marigolds! yay.

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  15. grace Avatar
    grace

    well…we’ll see. this is the Other Vet. not the one
    i went to with last years kids. i don’t know his proceedure but generally from what i know around here, no one uses
    anesthetic or pain killers. i ordered some herbal things
    from Molly, Fiascofarm on line. i like her a lot. Homeopathic. but we’ll see.
    i am wary of the drugs as it is SO hot which taxes their
    little bodies already and add to that Goat’s sensitivity
    to anesthetic…..

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  16. grace Avatar
    grace

    i think always, things much larger than the one playing
    out in front of us, is simply the small specific Given
    of the larger picture that we can learn from. i felt
    that yesterday, but also couldn’t get any space from it.
    That first sentence is confused but maybe you get my drift?
    i’ll try to say more about that at some point because it’s
    important. Funny, today, though nothing has really changed,
    there is such decrease in anxiety over it all. it’s
    quiet today. definately There, but now felt to be Things
    i need to move into and through

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  17. grace Avatar
    grace

    i could listen forever to descriptions of The Meadow
    with mist and fireflies. just listening Feeds me. Thank you for that. and i thought of you yesterday too, how you
    are so much Just Going and intense responsibility. and
    that helped too. so we go….Love….

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  18. grace Avatar
    grace

    Stand and Face. yes. Stand and Face. and i feel you
    standing next to me.
    Love

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  19. grace Avatar
    grace

    i need to take some time to respond to these words. Later

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  20. grace Avatar
    grace

    so much Cloth helps me

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  21. julie Avatar
    julie

    you are an integral part of the process whether or not you do the actual procedure, you know.

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  22. grace Avatar
    grace

    OH…….YOU GAVE ME A HUGE HUGE SMILE. and yes, he
    would smile and say something oh so very simple….

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  23. grace Avatar
    grace

    yes…MARIGOLDS

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  24. grace Avatar
    grace

    sort of

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  25. KAMFreeman Avatar
    KAMFreeman

    Grace how much love I feel for you my sister on this journey…to stand aside and let the fear have time to go away as knowledge and self assurance will be there when it is right for you to take on the tasks..if ever. Brave, strong woman to know when to and when not to..honoring the center, listening to how the beingness of you at each step, each turn in the road is asking to be…and going with what is the way for you, just now.
    Your photos of your place are wonderful – I digress with this since I was sorting photos and looked at a very early photo from you from about 2008…so very much has been done..so much growth and change. Another, I believe, message that you honor the organic process of being.. of traveling along. The cloths are traveling along well with the stitches you are placing as the story of each one resonates with you…so much very delicious just going…and I honor you in this sweet, strong, every flowing river of life on your piece of mother earth.
    Little Mercy is being attached well..and she presents such sweetness in the photo..a little blessing.
    Namaste, Kristin

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  26. gaile Avatar
    gaile

    oh sweet grace, i think you are being way too hard on yourself. you care deeply and love strongly. i don’t see your decision to call the vet as being weak. i see you as a loving woman reaching out, and i don’t see any thing weak in that. i believe you have courage even in saying you were afraid. we are all just human beings with emotions galore. sometimes its okay to just be and accept. oh and i do so love your garden. serenity there.

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  27. Minka Avatar
    Minka

    You do so many things I could not do. Don’t feel bad about this. Really. That little red one is so dear, waiting at the door for you.

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  28. Minka Avatar
    Minka

    You do so many things I could not do. Don’t feel bad about this. Really.
    That little red one is so dear, waiting at the door for you.

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  29. grace Avatar
    grace

    O K. !
    FINALLY, a little breather.
    and i THANK YOU so much for these words. PLEASE
    repeat them to me every now and then. and i have written
    them down in the Goat notebook…but i’ll forget to look
    so, if you would, please just say it again over and over
    forever.
    yes. it is about change. and what i am realizing is that i want it to be “done”, because i want my Time how I want
    my Time. and with the Goats, i am going to have to come to terms with exactly what you said…”but you also know that they Change daily–moods. preferences shift for them as well.”
    and the other important words: “you may have to make accomodations weekly or daily until you sense the ease of her dynamics has been restored”
    and YES!!!!!! say it again and again!!!!!! she says to self. and on top of that, it wasn’t THEM that decided to
    get 2 of them bred. it is ME. so i am “at Cause”, as
    Nisargadatta Maharaj cautions about. so….because i
    WANTED that, i need to get real about the consequences of that Causing. and really, it’s just accepting it. it’s
    not a big deal at all, in reality., but i want it all. i want milking does, moved does, on premise bucks, IN MY
    OWN TERMS and really, more than i even know, yet…it
    is truly a
    DYNAMIC.
    an ever evolving Phenomenon.
    oHHHHH, and eeeeee. a deep exhale.
    THANK YOU FOR YOUR WORDS and for the last two, also: “it’s ok”.
    it’s ok. yes. it’s ok. but for sure, will never be static.
    Love,

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  30. patricia Avatar
    patricia

    love you Grace

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  31. grace Avatar
    grace

    it’s 4 days later and really, i am glad to have been
    afraid….

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  32. grace Avatar
    grace

    2008….how amazing and how GLAD to know that you looked.
    it has all just unfolded, evolved of it’s Own Accord….
    and Little Mercy….oh, her….

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  33. grace Avatar
    grace

    gaile..the word galore.
    galore.

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  34. grace Avatar
    grace

    she is. i put a curtain up so they can’t look in.
    if they could look in, Who Knows what might Transpire!

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