turned out i needed to go to Alz's Bs Place for music day. ordinarily it's a time her son goes. but alas, not,,,,and since it is the one single thing she "resonates" with, i went. got home and fed self. went out and raked, organized all the stuff that fell down when i pulled out the step ladder the other day. those kinds of things. and as i had agreed with Self, Thursday is for sure, Give Love To Buck Goats Day. so…did that. went in there and fiddled around with their hut, emptied water bowls, rearranged their sticks and inbetween all this, touched all of them how they like it, individually, their ears, their cheeks, spine with stick scratch and for Nogal, the baby, well, just Everything. he still wants to sit on my lap. but we can't do that anymore. so we looked deeply into each other's eyes and i tried to rub him all over at once to feel as close to lap sitting as i could imagine. and all this individual attention has to be given when the others are doing something that interests them. if not, we get into the pushing and shoving, the snorting and spitting.
so all that was pretty successful. and i cleaned the other water tubs and filled and raked some more and reorganized the pallets in the Albatros because i'll need to get another half ton bale of alfalfa in the next few days. need to be totally ready for that. so, ok. by now, it's beginning to feel like an end of a day, light dimming, Sun softer, thinner light…and i have maybe another hour, give or take. i come to the spool table where the dye stuff is and as you see above, it's a mess. have gotten to this moment a few, really, many, times before and just walked away. today i stood and looked. a Mess. what to do. and why haven't i done better? and i could fee the sense of Contraction. that feeling came before all the rest. THOUGHTS. why don't i ever "keep up"? why am i always behind, why this why that and all about not meeting the requirements of Purpose. even when it might be a Purpose i have chosen and love. but then suddenly i noticed…..
this strip of cloth. it was just stuffed under something…a strip that i had used to tie a Dye Wad with and had untied out there and just dropped it.
i SAW it. i saw how subtle the soft marks on it were, and being that time of year, saw how much it held the color of the Sandhill Cranes. i saw it as totally beautiful. i WONDERED about how i could have not noticed that before.
and i thought…grace!!!, look again. and i did. here…the dried pomegranate pot
dried pomegranate rind
a tangle of copper radiator innards
the cloth that didn't turn out, hanging on the cloth line for days
"just" a piece of wood
and ….how can i say this. i was able to let go enough to just become totally immersed in all the stuff on this table. not it's PURPOSE, or it's INTENDED USE, but what it just IS. it has all just sat there for weeks. doing nothing. Purposeless. and when i for whatever reason let myself actually just SEE it, there was a very spontaneous flow of awareness, of Seeing, of Pleasure in the Beauty of each thing and then each thing as a part of that whole scene, of the table, the cloth line over head, the stolen chairs. i still knew that the liquid in the cast iron dye pot had become depleted. i knew that something was going on in the big enamal pot with walnuts. but it DIDN'T MATTER. it DIDN'T MATTER in those moments. nothing mattered at All but what i was looking at directly and what mattered about that was that it WAS. it simply WAS. and there was a beautiful pervasive sense of EXPANSION to it all, including me. including my mind. including my body. including the whole of the place where we all were. Purpose Less ness. Beautiful. just Beauty Full.
so…now, that small strip of cloth is Friend. resting on the corner of the little wooden table with the Dalai Lama. and when i began this post, it was still light. now, it has become dark. i didn't
get a whole lot done
but i don't care. i understood this. and it will hold me. hold me very well.
windthread 
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