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this day is now this day

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i wake up and begin reading again.   I have been folding over the tips of the pages that i need immediately accessible…maybe just  one sentence,  but that sentence.    I do the cry no cry thing.   Get over it and then two pages later,  again.

looking out the windows,  there are 5 windows from where i sit at the Everything Table,   all i see is Trees.  I am surrounded by Trees,  encircled by Trees,  held by Trees here in this travel trailer on a Hill in Northern California,  the last place i would have ever imagined myself to end up.  Roots run underneath this travel trailer.  Closing  my eyes and imagining this,  i can't.  There must be such a thick  net.  I want to work at trying to picture this.   It's cold…45 degrees,  a little warmer in here,  but i haven't yet used the heater.   Closing the door at night has been enough of a separation,  heat  is the final isolation  from them.

They are  waiting.   2 days toward  the end of the 10 day forecast offers 50% chance of Rain.  They wait how they always have,  how they know how to do.  

 


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now and then i pick up and hold the small heavy black Buddha that Joanne sent me.  I don't know what it's made of  but it's heavy and its heaviness helps.

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9 responses to “this day is now this day”

  1. Liz A Avatar
    Liz A

    I am writing in my copy … and can’t remember when I last needed a dictionary so often … I love that

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  2. Joanne Avatar
    Joanne

    I will try this book.maine is a state of many trees. More trees than people . You would be happy here.

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  3. Acey Avatar
    Acey

    This book taught me how to weep as an organic reactive process. Like – tears streaming down the face and doing it for a moment or two before I even realized. Now I find it’s becoming part of life – the weeping thing*. Generally just for a minute or two at a time. Since that began I’m now noticing that if I’m moved deeply into any emotion here come the dead silent not-at-all-uncomfortable waterworks.
    Like the humid afternoon showers of my childhood. Literally just passing through but I loved how it changed the landscape. Now I observe what’s changing in my inner landscape due to spontaneous “power weeps”. I’d say a good 60% less anxiety. And for someone challenged with wraparound PTSD issues, that’s a massive shift.
    Also. Weeping has allowed me to access deeper levels of sentience in myself without feeling fragile or at risk due to opening more of more of the subtle chakras often for the first time in conscious life experience. Working with trees gives me a root system that can withstand psychic and emotional fragility patterns of experience as they play out in the daily world.
    Through that personal re-alignment I’m now in more spontaneous alignment of sentience feeling tone of the landscape. Seeing not as a steward or dreamer or flower alchemist or plant reader. Seeing THEM. All the Others. Their radiance and surety of their Place and how things go in the course of yearly seasons time after time. And not so any of it comes close to reaching that so beautiful it hurts threshold. Because what hurt left me within the tears. That’s allowing me to mesh more with The Organism of Place. To be in it at the next level of participation. More equal in the co-creative sense and tons more observent as land-loving woods walker.
    ~*~
    Through you I have learned the significant difference between not-crying and refusing to cry. Recall the night I got it when I didn’t-cry about something I’ve long forgotten and realized this is how it is for you. It is not absence of feeling or personal connection it is simply not crying.
    It was one of my most profound and pragmatically useful illuminations of the summer.
    love so much that you are Old Nana. LOVE it. Old Nana. The name of your Place in the family. Sometimes I say it out loud while I’m in the field. “Old Nana” And I smile and smile.

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  4. Acey Avatar
    Acey

    so sorry. Really didn’t mean to send my remarks as a comment to Joanne. Seems it being placed there reads as a pretty compelling reason NOT to read the book (laughing at this now).
    Think it’s one of those masterful literary strokes of genius that reaches everyone on levels that are most important and meaningful to their particular soul’s longings and wisdom path. It’s a rare thing – Power of Word elevated to this level of truth and mystery. It does my heart and spirit so much good to be part of this circle having The Overstory as a common touchstone.

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  5. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    i underline, write, bend page ears, once, i folded
    the whole page in half

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  6. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    it’s not easy, this book.
    This is a hard time for you with Riley…
    maybe wait a while

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  7. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    i don’t know what it is…?????….Why? don”t I?
    I tried today to remember crying. I have no memory of it.
    I went back to my childhood, trying to remember crying…i have no memory of it.
    It’s a big question…Why?
    There is a thing my whole body does…a kind of
    uhhhhh, spasm? No, not really, but something…it’s
    a whole body thing. Crying would come as a blessing i
    think. Maybe someday.

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  8. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    it is and i love that…a common touchstone
    This says so much

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  9. Acey Avatar
    Acey

    I vividly remember reading a post you made years back where you broke down everything your body does – everything but the tears, really.
    One of the best friends of my 20’s didn’t cry. Occasionally she’d go sort of gargoyle faced and I’d think here it is but she just didn’t ever form tears. And like you had no memory of ever going beyond that point – which she called “a prolonged twitch” where you went with “spasm”.
    Most others I know who don’t cry are consciously repressing the act and also fully aware of that fact. But then there are people who just don’t. As I sit here I can think of two or three other women. A very different best friend could on super-emotional occasions get spontaneously misty eyed but no further.
    when the hotter months return see if you can get yourself a small Lantana plant. Or at least visit one in a nursery or something and I can supply the flower essence instead of coaching you through making one for yourself. It was prepared at SL2 and may well have been in the same group with your beloved Joyous Warrior.
    Lantana’s healing signature revolves around crying in place of long term not-crying. Can’t, won’t, don’t know why you don’t, were shamed and/or taunted to stop doing it, have been traumatized beyond a place tears can follow, etc. etc.
    Just so you know.

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