windthread

Jude is talking about cards.     These are some i just drew to see what it might be like.   How it felt.  There's a few more but i don't know where they are.   I'd also thought of putting prints of some of the Cloths on cards.   the words here would Not be there,  they were words to my self

so here i am.  again.  thinking about it.   I'll need to think about Why.    ?     two things right away,   i miss making Cloths for the shop.   for two very different reasons.   the first is how it is to know that someone Out There likes what i do enough to want it in their own home.  Which gives energy for   continuing the making.    Saskia's most recent post talks of this…. and the second is that i can Use the income from them.  If i sold one or two a month, (Cloths)   it added  up to getting something i might really want but couldn't otherwise afford.   A for instance right now is an outdoor campStoveOven.   I really want it.   I can't slow heat plant materials in this small space of a "house".   i can't make cookies in this oven for many months of the year.   I can't bake a potato.   roast root vegetables.  

but there's something beyond these,  tho,  tied to the first and difficult for me to put into words.   about when you know people like what you do,   it is energizing to the urge to create.   feeds it.   gives it life.   Back when i took my Makings to galleries and shows,  i could See this.   Anymore,  i don't do that and it is an odd kind of void.   

so what's the deal with cards….?    I love the drawings.   I love to draw.   and i will  continue to draw,  probably for as long as i am alive.   But….without  Some One on the other end,  some Thing is missing.  ???????    Cards are a

remedy.   and they are useful.    I have always loved cards.  Cards to keep.  Cards to send.  Cards to continue a story with others.   I love envelopes and stamps.  the Post Office,  my mail box or Post office box.   Mail is magic to me.   the Post Office…is like a church.  

so…i will continue with this card thing.  even if only for self,  for the satisfaction and deep pleasure of picking one out and sending.   for Reason,  or,  for no particular reason at all.   and still,  have another.   

maybe.   

i bought that printer some months ago on impulse.   i was thinking that i wanted to make cards to be

common.  I am not an artist.  i draw.     Not one of a kind,  but Every day,  Any day.    To "offer"  them,  so they could have that kind of life.  Nothing Special,  but loved.  Enough to pay for themselves and give me a little extra so i could save up for that campstoveoven.     it's been at Alyssia's since.  I haven't even really looked at it.  

this year of 77.   Everything is changing.  What i do,  Why i do it.  Getting Real.    Taking on a life of its own.   the word    Finite.

 

don't know if i've put this here before?   tried to go back in Archives through May….i'd drawn it on 5/16 it tells me…i don't know what was going on to prompt the drawing,  but….internet again ify and i couldn't look.  But here today…and maybe that's enough,  maybe that's how it should be,  here.  today,     Do not be afraid   the Universe tells me.   So much Out There.  So much happening and small things,  like the ending of the Thursdays of On Being….which i realize had become like "Church" for me,  how some people go to Mass on Sunday,  others to their Place  and i went to On Being on Thursdays and after this month,   it will not be there.   Things like this.   But i had the urge to go look for that drawing and i'd forgotten it said

do not be afraid  

being afraid is a reasonable response for War,  Societal  Disarray,  desiccation of a Planet  but it is of no

use.

Do not be afraid,  Universe says.   Ok then.   What?

Every Morning begins like this.   I watch.   Begins soft.  Just Earth.  Soft.  Clear.  Empty.  Open.  Soft

 

this time around,   i would like to go into that Softness,  that open ness.   That empty ness.    Clear.  to be clear.   I know all the words.  I know how to "think it".   I'd like to continue to learn to meet each day and then each moment of each day with just and only exactly what that moment needs.  Which might be to DO something.   or simply to witness.  or to See.   or to Feel.   The key is to be in Response.   to what is needed.  to soften.   to be in Response.   

it was an extraordinarily Beauty FULL morning in the Garden.   Tomatoes,  jalapeno,  crookneck squash,  bell pepper,  many Leaf people,  wasabi radish,  onions  and fig.  All forming.   and  the  Sun Flowers grow.   Dragonflies and Butterflies,  5 kinds came to drink.  a very fat lizard,  unafraid,  attended.   The breeze.  soft,   eased the rising heat.   EveryThing in Response to EveryThing….in continuous mutual breath.

when this Cloth was beginning to happen,   the word violet kept arising as i sat across the way from where it hung on the  ClothWall.    kept thinking…i don't want purple here.  but then after a time realized that it was the word Violet.  not purple.  Violet.  and i began looking for a violet scrap.  Finally…finding.  and it was Right.   Violet.   i don't know why.  there is a reason.   

 

this morning….i trimmed the Daisy Bush and here….hidden…was this…Native Penstemon and things were so Still,  i was able to photograph the vine that extends  out,  over a foot horizontally  in mid air.   Color here not quite what it IS,  which is,  Violet. 

came back from Garden and did things…put tools away,  cleaned the mineral feeders,   Talkie's feeder,   things like that until it was Hot and coming in,  turned on the little battery fan and brought down the Cloth to the table.   Threaded the needle,  sat and looked at the Violet scrap and the one last space that is waiting for some particular scrap.   And smiled,  because i realized for the first time that the Violet scrap was next to the small scrap of what i have for years called the Coyote Cloth,  that i used over and over for bodies of the dolls i used to make…human shaped bodies with coyote mask faces,  from this wonderful WW2 kimono from Rag Stock in Minneapolis.  The huge warehouse of   all manner of fabric  where Prince used to shop.   The color….Mars Violet to me….the Mars Violet and Paynes Grey oil paints i used over and over for those mask faces  and i could…smell…the paint and it was wonder Full.   and i listened as sirens came and went on past up the near highway…police….and suddenly BLARRING LOUD on the phone….FIRE.   and on come the Butte County Fire Trucks now  but still i listened…no Cal Fire.   and tune in to the FaceBook page for Info and it's  Bangor.  17 minutes away by car.   no helicopters.  

Far enough.   Talk to Alyssia.  Ok.  She will call Jenny who is still at work.    ears pricked.   and i begin to collect things on the bench across from me at the Table.  The big black Fire Bag with papers and kids drawings,  titles to vehicles,  photographs.  The little ukulele zipper bag from Tina for toothbrush,  tweezers,  itch cream is always ready on the bathroom sink counter.  My "purse",  wallet  address book.  The camping knife that has a fork and spoon.   Big Blue Goat Book with all the registrations and vet records already under a seat in the minivan (that still remains nameless)  year round.  

and 

i am not.  not ready.   have let it blur through the months since the last First Evac sirens of the Season.   in self preservation,  you just let it blur and fade.   out of a need for relief.   But time again to let it sharpen,  to   sharpen…verb,  to sharpen.   Tomorrow again,  i will 

decide.

Decide for 2022.  What goes and what gets left behind.   A lot depending on the amount of time there is from the Blaring Alert and the need to get OUT of here.  Goats first,  Talkie,  Puppie ,  Us and Tay.  Whatever else there's time and space for.    The first 3 years i was here,  different every time.   Last year we didn't need to go.  in a way….it's an Opportunity.   to see where i am with Things.  Stuff.    My belov~ed stuff.  oh…my Stuff.  And as i Listened,  waiting to know,   i stitched this Universe Cloth.   Jude's invisible baste.  after about an hour and a half the Warnings and Orders were lifted.   Forward movement was contained.   I fed Goats and fed self.  Today is ok.   

double click the pic

color on my phone is WAY WRONG.  cannot know till it's published….but just so Way Wrong.   bummer.

 

 

 

i can say first,   Sunny Ray is an Old Buck Goat.  as far as Goats go.   Old buck goats have little value  "in the world".   That said

Daughter Jenny and her son Jeff,   my  grandson Jeff,    arrived early and began by reconfiguring the fencing in that old Buck Forest where Sunny Ray was taken down by those 2 dogs.   They had to fence off the "cliff" of the hill there,  which was his old tried and true pathway,  but taking in his current Three Legged ness,   was not Good….,  not ….safe…..

So they thought and talked and cut the fence and pulled it and pounded in new t-posts and re-attached  and and and.  and then we opened the corridor gate and lured him back through with his bowl of alfalfa pellets tinkling tinkling tinkling and he was Wary and it took close to forever but he did come,  he came through the gate and back into his Forest.  We tried to pile the branches and debris that might trip him up,  but it was still ify but he needed to be returned.   That right front leg.   is as if it has shrunk.   it doesn't bend.   as if there is no knee or wrist.  it just precedes him as he goes,  a kind of hopping going,  but he WENT.   at first staying close here but then as the late afternoon went on,  he wandered off and i watched from this distance to see if he would know how to return because his old path is now blocked and the new is way at the other end and he did.  He had to stand and think.   He stood.   and Thought.   but then,  he went.   and tonight at dark,  he is back to there.  Here.    His House,  a Calf Hutch,  which he checked out first,  before everything else.   Tonight he is Home.   

and they went On.  They re did the fence for Nogal,  to create a…what are we going to call it?….an Evacuation Trap?  A Catch Pen?    Done.   so now,  for both Nogal and Jack Flash…catch pens.  Evac Traps.   which mean that in the case that there are SUDDENLY SIRENS out there….up up up Olive Highway and we check the phones and they say Evacuation.  NOW.   and we have minutes.  To load 15 Goats,  a chicken a cat and a dog and all my 13 bags of Cloth scraps and whatever else 

this.  this makes us better Ready than ever before….which was like a Rodeo….whoever could be here blocking movement while Alyssia ran over and through all the downed  trees and debris  trying to grab a Goat that was determined NOT to be grabbed. then carrying it…an 80 /90  or so pound Goat the distance to the Evac trailer,  this taking more and more minutes that we didn't have

now,   i will feed both Jack Flash and Nogal in their new small Evac pens.  the opening will just be there…from their familiar Forests.  No biggy.   IF it happens,  i will put their grass hay,  some alfalfa pellets and tortilla chips . We will keep our own anxiety energy flat as we can.  they  will go In.     a gate can be closed and instead of a whole forest,  it will be a sort of 12 x 12 space.  We try.

 

 

 

maybe i am beginning to understand?   a simple word…we use every day and in so many ways,  like priority mail.  ordinary.

but

priority.

Jenny had appeared,  surprisingly,  to work on Jack Flash's Evacuation Trap.   on a Tuesday.   She took a vacation day.   I'll take a pic of it sometime.    but before she arrived,  i had gotten to that word…priority.  i just showed up,  lower case,  plain font in my brain….but….priority.   Maybe that's all.   maybe that's all it is.  and maybe this is how it  Comes,  when it finally does Come…the Result of What You Have Been Trying To Do.   just quiet and lower case.     

the pics:   i was going to feed and saw that one large trunk of an Oak had fallen in this last rain and went to see and saw,  but this too.   There is a standing trunk…i think maybe 80 ft?  and you maybe can see….all up the trunk are little….LITTLE twigs of leaves,  All Up It….no branches,  but these little twigs of leaves??????????????   i looked all around,  on it's mother Root and its the only one like this.  I walked some ways away and still,  the only one i see like this.   

so she is here ,  Jenny,  and i take her there…show her.   She focuses on the downed part that squashes the fence.    I try to get her to talk with me about the strange growth and it doesn't work so we go along.  And here's where YOU ALL come in.  

YOU 

are who i talk to.   

so we finish the Trap pen for Jack Flash and try it out by me bringing down tortilla chips to lure him and it works…he is lured and if there is an Evacuation this time around,  it might make all the difference in the world.  All The Difference In The World.

she has another vacation day tomorrow and we will repeat for Nogal.

but my mind stays with that Oak.  and Emrie comes around noon.  Jenny is gone.  I tell Emrie about the Oak and she wants to see.  We go.   Look.  We,  together,  look again at all trees around.  None like this.   We Wonder.    What is this tree thinking????

and i think.   Because of her.   about Priorities.   How LIFE Takes Time.   it takes a LOT of Wondering.  Which Takes Time.  And we went on,  to check out Jack's Trap Pen and talk about it,  how it will work,  and we talked about what she can remember of the last Evacuation…she was 2 going on 3.   I watch her face as she searches in her Brain for memories and finds some…like dreams but they are there  and we go On,  along to B Garden to give water and i didn't go yesterday because of that RAIn and some of the squash plants were NEEDING,  but ok and we shared the watering alternating with other odd things and more Wondering and Noticing and JOY at TEN tomatoes and a Jalapeno and she said

it's been a long day since i was here.

i like being here.           As she sat.  Taking a break.  on the plastic adirondack chair with the mouldy old little bamboo pan flute she found in one of the tubs.   I said i'd get us a new,  better  flute and she said…ok,  for you.  I'll play this one.   We'll play together.

and she said again

i like being here in this garden.

 

and when i was doing the evening feed,  i thought about how the prayer/chant to Achalanatha Bodhisattva that Jan up in Redding Ca gave me from her sangha,  how the 13 repetitions take time.   How all winter i don't.  But now,  with the drying of the Grasses,  i go back to it.   I sing it at Jack Flash's gate in the mornings.   And it takes time.   Noticing the Oak with different thoughts takes time.  Living in the presence of Emrie takes time.  and all that Time,    changes

priorities.

 

 

wanting to be a part of things but feeling adrift

the cloth is Sure of Its Self.   I am not.

and i have no idea what this post is going to look like?????   the pic….it's completely odd

and it RAINED.   RAINED.   like Winter Rain.   SO NOT how it goes.   

the pic….i was sitting quietly at Jude's House at Feel Free.  at the Zone and having thoughts and feelings about PAPER and no longer having PAPERS,  having left them behind in New Mex but wanting to see

paper touching cloth

and suddenly i thought of the shopping bags….i have shopping bags from Lakeside Grocery

so them and Inktense pencils and just nothing in particular but just wanting to See something happen and not a lot did,  but something did and i keep looking at it

and have tried over and over today to post this pic and it's strange and wierd…half of what it ordinarily might be and for NO REASON

and i dreamed that Dee,  Dee Mallon  Pattern and Outrage was visiting me and i lived in a small shed kind of thing,  like Small,  half the size of this little tin house and she was across the table there from me,  working on a collage i think…working on something and i kept trying to figure out how to make things a little ok…there were no windows only a sky light that was a window in a frame stuck in the ceiling,  the only light,  and she didn't have anything to say and kept just glancing up at me over her reading glasses,  and i kept muddling along and said…OH….i haven't offered you any food!   i have onions and she said she washed onions with soap and water and i said oh!,  not me and she got up and went…went like being 2 ft maybe,  went to where i kept my food in an apartment sized dishwasher and pulled out a cutting board and it was covered with fruit flies and her eyebrows went up but she didn't say anything and then there was noise at the door where i had a metal step ladder propped against and i moved it and opened the door to find 3 men standing there with gas company uniforms on but not really gas company people,  and only one had an N95 mask and he was asian and had a lisp and when i said….What Can I Do For You?,  he said things but i couldn't understand all the words,  there was no context,  and one of the other ones repeated what he had said and i said that i couldn't really do anything for them because my fiend Dee was visiting from Massachusetts and i thought oh cripe,  fruit flies and now this,   and we really needed to get to the grocery store…

Thank you Dee.  I love you.

ok,  going to go hit publish and see what shows up here.

do you see the small figure?   Within the

"universe"?

What is happening lately?  and by lately,  What is Lately?…as in how long has it been?,  this Lately.   ?.    What's happening?

i am illustrating my thoughts to myself?   more and more,  showing my Self my sense of Place in the Universe?   Showing myself my sense of the Universe,  how the Universe,

the Universe…oh,  eeeeeeeeeeeeee,  the Universe…how dare i?,   but i dare…..the Universe requires different eyes,  completely open Imagining but the sense of Place within is

sure

like for  a spore of a mushroom,   a floating seed of Grass