windthread

i think it's a FIX?    Jude went IN and changed some things.  Deb G and Liz said things that were like in code,  that gave me the wherewithall to be   BOLD   as daughter Jenny might say in her way…     oh,  so Bold,  Ma.    I took a deep breath and Clicked some stuff,   having no idea,  but just a thin intuition of maybe.     

if it IS a Fix and if life can go on,    then…..this has been a Given opportunity to understand more….to become clearer.  About what stuff means to me.   What i think i mean to stuff.

Jude had some questions today that were there and then were not.  Spirit Cloth     Good Questions.   and related to all the above.

I am glad i can be here tonight.   

she wrote that…here it is again.    Jude.   Went IN To Windthread, here,    has done that a few times before,    and somehow turned the pic.    I was ecstatic….and tried this morning….but no.    I don't know what she did.  But i can't replicate.   and so.

What it does say is that it is POSSIBLE.   and in this moment,  i gratefully take that.   Things remain possible.   Good Then.

THANK YOU Jude,  you know,   beyond………

here it is.   it's too hard to go through the whole thing so it makes any sense.   In a small  effort….for couple years now, due to something unknown, i have had to go through all these steps to turn any pic upright…orient.   I got used to that.     and then,

a while back,  when i log into typepad,  it's all in spanish.    I got used to that…..just knowing which things to click on,  even if i didn't know the spanish.    But then…yesterday,    the pic will not turn.   There is a pop up box that says:  Page Unresponsive.

Duh.

so i have no clue.   As i said the other day….Alyssia is out of spoons.   I won't ask her.   So for now….i just need to be gone i guess.

I love You All.   I love this world.   I love.

typepad is down

Every Thing is about Rain.   it's been days now and will continue.   The most rain in all my time here.  The rain that is NEEDED.   As  i've said before,  the day is according to the hourly forecast….the Goats needs,  Talkie,  Puppy and Tay.   Rain says when i can and can't.  Rain rules.    There will be   single intermitant Glorious days  of some SUN  but  this year,  i am surrendering to Rain. My desert self is no longer  desperate for Sun.   it will come.    So what might Rain look like?,     she is female to me,   what might she look like?,   This was quick.  a minute or two…maybe i'll spend some time,  maybe that will make it all even that much more  easy for me to …….embrace.   See her as an Elemental sister.

Yvette gave these words….."the power of the soft"

  not loud or rough or demanding,  clamoring 

the power of the soft.    that has propelled Life,  like the power of the mycelium that gives rise to its  fruit of mushrooms with their zillions of spores.   The moss,  Dawn,   the curl of the buck's lip as he appreciates the smell of the doe,    Talkie's going to bed song,     Emrie's slo motion cartwheel

and these scraps that have maintained  this same tangle over years

back.    They fill that bench seat across the Everything Table.     

To sit here as it becomes  DARK,   looking over at them,   i am grateful.  Being lost in thinking about consolation,  to console,  thinking about What is it?,  that wants consolation?   How is consoling different from fixing,  or working through.  the nuances of human ache and longings,  endurances and on and on…it's a whole realm of things to wonder through.   it's Good Work.   

i woke way too  early this morning because MOON was IN MY FACE  and just lay there.   Letting whatever wanted to float through and after a long while,  i could hear the Monday Trash Pick Up Truck down on Old Olive as it moved and flipped the bins to empty them  then moving on.   I thought about the driver of that truck,  how his day begins VERY early and in these dark days So Early it seems and it's Cold.   I  "saw" him moving slowly and methodically along  with precision.   This is his work.  his job.  How he  "makes a living"  for himself and/or his family.   6 days a week.  i am pretty sure there are times when things pile up on him,  when he'd  "rather not".   But he goes on.  he continues.   Does he have something that consoles him?   Was he consoled as a child?   What do these questions MEAN?????   What do I MEAN?   Console.    Does he?    Does he know

that he is longing for something that can console?   Would it matter?,  if as children,  this need was identified for us and explored?   

and what if i wondered about this as i move through my world,   like down at Lakeside Market,  the parking lot that is always so busy with all manner of humankind,  and what about the young woman cashier with dreadlocks and a bandanna mask that's never over her nose,  but i like her a lot.  I know now that her grandmother prefers mandarin oranges and she does too.  How does she console herself?   and….does she need to?   I wish i could just ask her,  but it would hold up the line.    

but just the thought of wondering this is Goodness for me.   For instance,  the woman with the cardboard sign at the traffic light the other day,   AnyThing Helps.    I took hold of Tay's collar and leaned out 3 dollars,  and she looked me directly in my eyes and said      in the softest of voice    God Bless.    It was the same.  the same as Cynthia's  Gentle Day.   What might She tell me about consolation?

I am loving this.   Softly.  with Care.  going slow with it.   What i feel it is doing is pulling me in,  closer,  more gently and with a kindness of intent to all of us,   this humanity now,  careening headlong into some kind of future that we probably can't Fix.

Unless we can learn to console ourselves.  Ourselves.   To quiet and be just ok?   or….what????

so much more,   Thank you CatherinE.    and Thank full that cloth is my loving consolation,  my uhhhh,   soft silent joy.  Just in itself,  torn or cut,  

i'd taken the  Bags of cloth to that back room i think when trying to organize  before the Thanksgiving Visit.?   maybe it was before?,  but i don't know why?   They have been back there,   a part of that  disarray.   and there,  they  were incommunicado.  today,  CatherinE's   post on her blog    gemtactics.wordpress .   Consolation cloths.   

she went  "to look at the cloth.  It felt friendly and consoling.  It doesn't really care if I use it,  make something from it,  or just let it sit around"

and my heart broke loose

i don't know how many times i have read these words today since this morning.  I have written them into the stenographers notebook   and    on an index card that sits now to my left here at this EveningTable .   I want to memorize them.   i want them suspended in the Air  like a banner of some kind.    They are unbelievably incredibly TRUe.   i went back there and brought out 3 of the bags,   emptied one out.   Yes.   true.    In the midst of  the everything,   this is true and i am consoled.   Like when Cynthia says….Gentle Day.   it's just love.  so pure and plain and      powerful.  

tomorrow i'll bring them all Out.  We can be together again.

i am so dependent on this Earth.   

when it's not Soaked with Rain,  Cold.   Soaked again.  More Cold.   when i can kneel.

i didn't want to put anything here tonight.   I wanted to drink a glass of wine and go lay down.  And if it was too early to sleep,  then just lay there until enough time passed and sleep would come.   But here i am.   it's a Discipline  that is most times joy full but sometimes not,   the discipline being in that.   Both.   

the "world" is too heavy.   too disturbed.    and in this small sphere,  there is so much work needing done with a little girl,  a not so little but little enough boy that find themselves mother Less.   I go back again to the On Being with Christine Runyon.

i watch Jenny today.  Her interaction with Brinley.   So far,   Jenny's name to the kids has been New Nana.   Brinley has begun calling her Nommy    I watched her hold her today.   She's four.  big.  but Jenny held her,  Brinley wrapping her arms tight,  her face pressed into her chest,  Jenny adjusting her stance to maintain this.   Jenny is my daughter.  I watch my daughter.  Take her Place.  in her family.  For HER children.   for their children.   it's how it goes with animals.

Jenny's car has been down at the bottom of this Hill,  for a couple years now since one of the giant pine cones broke the oil pan.  It sits.  Next to my old loved,  so loved that words are dumb   Honda.   they sit together,  near  Carefree Way which is a private road to three "properites".   but also allows   access to opposite properties across the way.  Who use it.   When they came up today they saw that there was a Jack under her car.   To make a long story short,  there was an attempt to take the catalytic converter.  that failed because the jack sunk into the earth.   So at the end of the "visit",   they dug out the jack,  let the tires go flat which lowered it even more.   Took the battery that they could not charge on site and tomorrow they will air up the tires,  start up and bring her car Up Here.   

so.  stuff right  now is Full.  Too much so.  There's more.    I wonder how to do it.

She dresses herSelf.   Often,  more conservative than this.  But it's always up to her.   Alyssia went off to her appointment and Emrie was preoccupied with something,  being unsure of something and it took a while,  but we talked.   About masks.  About staying distant OR about hugging.     I had asked Alyssia what the changes are to their  protocol since Jeff's arrival on the scene.  She said i would have to make the decisions on my own.   I had re listened to the OnBeing  conversation of March 18  Whats Happening in Our Nervous Systems yesterday,  Christine Runyan .   So much now relating to Brinley,  who has found herself in a totally new circumstance,  without her mother,  without the FromBirthFeel of her mother to a fast developing nervous system of a four year old human.   I will listen repeatedly.   Emrie has a very real and solid understanding of why we follow these precautions.   According to her understandings,  we decided that inside this small house we would both wear masks.  Outside we would not need to.   It was the first SUNny day in so long and we were out at the table when she said she wanted to wear her shark mask for a while.

Why? i asked

Because i like how it looks with this jacket.        She asked that i take a pic.