windthread

in 1972,  i took Jenny, in a backpack,  same age,  in Ann Arbor, to the Take Back the Night rally.  In 1989,  took Alyssia, same age.  

I watched Alyssia moving through the crowd,  mesmerized.   She chose to carry Emrie and i'm glad….Emrie was startled by the noise, the sea of people.  I watched them.   Thinking about all these years,  about all the Issues….looking in my mind for what has changed,  what has not,  thinking about the world….different now in the 40 some years of daughters,  and yet, so much the same.  

 

remember them?  advertised in the comic books?   so, that's the image that comes to mind,  how i have felt/still feel, some.  Reconstituting.  Finding self all in a Big Surprise.

 

the new phone,  that actually can make and receive phone calls here has this incredibly great camera .   Alyssia has spent literally HOURS trying to find a way to down/up load them onto Typepad.  To no avail.  What to do?  This is a Big story going on  Here,  too big for just words…that would end up giving only a minimal description of what things really are, and too open to incorrect understanding.  And then there's cloth…which requires image

so what to do?   I don't know.

l    learning this phone thing   

More soon.  Big love

this is the last.  am off now Until.  

I love You All very much,  You are my Family…….

Postcards soon.

Love and Beyond…..

 

no matter how it goes, now,  Everything is Good.  

Travis came by late afternoon.  He'd slept a lot of the day.  Good.   He came just to talk.  Catch up.  Make plans for tomorrow.

and i'll just tell it how i remember the conversation,  in no particular order

He told me that it was difficult when they arrived.  He didn't understand the canal road and the road into the Hill,  that they were beginning to unload the truck when a vehicle came and wanted to go through and they were in the way with no hope of trying to back up.  The person in the Wanting To Go Through Vehicle got out and ended up helping them do what needed to be done.  My guess is it was Jenny's neighbor who  1. is nosey   but 2.  keeps an Eye out.  He said the exchange was good.  Not much, but congenial.  

He told me that he dropped one of the bolts when reconnecting the drive shaft.  I knew that already.  Am good at "seeing things".  I knew they would drop a bolt in the dark.  He and Everett looked/felt for an hour…it was dark by then,  but no.  He will get the bolts and we will take them and he will do it right.

He told me that it's a Hill, yes,  but a HILL.  He said it's not a hill, grace,  it's a mountain.  He thinks they will have a lot of trouble with the road up.  He thinks he knows what to do to correct that.  He said he would come and do it.  Any time.  He can talk to Jenny about that.  I told him how they had made French Drains and he was very happy about that.

He brought me my phone.

He said that anyone would know that Jenny and I are the same.  That we look exactly alike.

He said that leaving they stopped at that little Mom and Pop store/gas station,  that i have said me and the kids can ride bikes to.  He said it's a GREAT place that their gas prices were the best,  that they had GREAT fried chicken and other things (Jenny says chili)  a very cool deli and were very friendly.  He said   You will love it grace.  It's perfect for you.  That there were a bunch of young hippies at the store with dread locks and a woman and her mixed young daughter that had a ………something hair do,  can't remember the name,  but it brings the picture of some kind of bursting upward fountain from her head,   and just next door a thrift shop and just as they were leaving town, Oroville,  2 other thriftshops.  Just within a couple miles.

He was so full of Cheer about it all.  And our lovingly crunchy moments here* were informative and good because he said…."  you can say no.  if you don't want to"  and told me how we could use the originally planned flatbed and avoid the Uhaul altogether and i felt totally comfortable saying that it would be a great plan but that i needed to do the UHaul thing,  first for peace of mind and second to honor the thing between Bill and me.  

*Default Post

and then we went out so i could feed the Goats and i told him how i'd thought that maybe if it seemed like too many to transport safely,  that i was thinking of asking my dog training friend Jan to find someone who might want Sunny Ray for breeding….and Travis said that since he has been around here,  these Goats,  he knows he Wants Goats,  and i know that Everett does,  he talks about it every time,  the ninja babies,  and we actually Talked about that,  that he could Keep Sunny Ray and his friend Jack Flash….How i'd just wanted Jenny to SEE Gideon's son,  but how it's really not practical to have 3 intact bucks.  How the bucks become miserable if not able to "do their work",  as Sunny Ray is becoming…and suddenly what was heartache has become something else entirely.    It's up to Jenny.  It Still is HER herd.  But we have Cinderella,  sister of Sunny Ray,  daughter of Gideon.  She is the result we work toward,  an excellent Dairy Goat…continuing.

So…all the above.   We are still set to GO Saturday or Sunday.  We'll see.  So many pieces need to fall into place.

But just this much.  Today.  Good Enough.

 they are close to Burn Out.

but this just came from Alyssia.  She tied Emrie to a tree,  so E could watch her as she worked.

 

This is Emrie's world.  Julian and Emrie's,  but through the matriarchal line,  Julian through  Emrie.

whichever of them or Both.  that will be up to them.  4 generations.  3 yet to be born.

 

 

had not received any further word from the Hill.   Left for laundromat,  grocery,  Post Office and most important,  the UHaul place.  The place that told me a couple weeks ago that they "always" have Trucks the size i am thinking about,  and that they don't reserve.  But not to worry.  So i go today and that guy isn't there,  but a woman,  who said they DO NOT have any trucks that size.  Which is 15ft or 10ft.  They have 25ft.  I could fit the whole of this acre into a 25ft truck.  I ask her why he might have told me that and she cheerily said she had no idea.  BUT she said to go to Bacca Towing….just up the road.  They might.  And i did,  but no one was there.  It was 2:00 something.   There were two UHaul trucks sitting there.  One large,  one smaller……   on the door was a sign saying for UHaul rental,  call this #,  but i couldn't because the cell phone is somewhere between California and here,  so i backtracked and did my laundry at the laundromat…. and while it was washing,  i whipped over to Walmart to see if they had a cat harness,  which they didn't but did have a very small something that maybe i can use?,  maybe.  It's PINK.  Tazmeena might be embarrased.   But i am thinking about her…needing to come out of the carrier along the way and maybe being freaked.  Got back home in time for feeding early.  Goats know.  National Weather Service portends possible snow tonight.  They wanted their food with plenty of time to leisurely eat it.  Tay knew too and was RUNNING.  Carrying her favored stick and RUNNING great circles and intertwined circles,  flying over obstacles in a single bound.  She is so energized by Weather.  And then i did the evening hunt for suitable pieces of wood for the morning fire.  I check them.  They've been there a long time.  Years.  I check them for any sign of recent or present  habitation,  insect or otherwise.  

and now i'm here.  with that big QuesTion mark.  Talked to Bill last eve and he was subdued.  Still sick from his flu.  Tenuous.  Travis should be back tomorrow.  No word from the Hill.

 

 

time for the Sorrels.  

 

 

this morning,  i penciled Us in.  Me, Tay, Tazmeena,  there at campsite B.

 

and then i turned the camera just a little,  and there I was…looking all Spirit like.  The sunlight from behind in the Room reflecting off the graphite.  How interesting.  and it fixed things for me.  I'd woken being afraid.   Wanting to go NOWHERE.  Wanting things to just stay the same,  meaning that i could continue to labor under the illusion that i can keep everyone SAFE.  Which,  maybe i can.  But that precludes so MUCH.  and i really don't want to preclude so much.  ….so asking….grace!,  what do you really want to happen here?  like Really?  What are you WILLING to DO?  or not.?

that spirit self,  said Go.  For Tay,  for Tazmeena,  for the Goats in the long run,  for Jenny, Alyssia, Julian, Destiny, Emrie.  GO.    

skipping ahead

i got a call from Jenny…she couldn't find the key where Travis said it would be.   Oh, Jeez.  So i call Travis and he is sleeping, key in ashtray.  Call Jenny back and she calls some time later saying that Sunny went UP to Campsite C,  went Strong,  no hesitation,  was BETTER than any of their vehicles and i was so Proud.  Maybe i'll get him pimped out….like new bumper etc.  Someday.  He deserves it.

a few mintues ago,  she mailed me these

 

and i got this HUGE grin!  There is Sunny.  the 1983 Toyota Truck!  Campsite B!  Bob Marley is on the visor.  Sunny!,  in California!!!!!!!

 

and 

Bill's dad, Lee's chair and the two table benches,  Old Cowboy's mother's aluminum rocker.  There.  There!….how just so Crazy to see them There!

it's just SomeThing.  Who would've imagined.

70 and a soft warm SUN

 

child buddha on SnowBunny's grave

 

the two rocks that are like her…same colors,  and crystal and the blue heart of Love

 

there are two of these cement blocks.  They go.

 

some extremely weathered cloth…fragile…originally from the Raft,  then moved for Snowbunny.  I will take Time and untie if i can.  keep for the altar.

 

and then this.  Which day to take down?  the latest would be Wednesday morning.  Maybe Tuesday,  when it is still quiet,  easy.  Tuesday, i think.

 

 

 

3.  Only so slightly different,  but enough that i couldn't choose.  Where will these go, when we are There?

and i continued to think about the default today,  and to make it more clear,  it was tied to Hazel's Me Too post on Handstories the other day,   and i thought about how my default is quiet, slow,  thoughtFull with great care taken,  that it has taken this far of a LifeTime to get that down,  but how i also need to be able to …give….when it seems to be the only way.  But it's the FEELING,  that i

SHOULD

that i can't trust my own decision and that's pretty pathetic for a 72 year old woman.  Shows just how Conditioned the whole phenomenon is.  and how thoroughly we have been complicit in giving over our own AGENCY!….YAY….that word,  that concept, Agency!  Generations ago,  we didn't doubt.  We have come to be conditioned to doubt and part of it is our own participation.  

This is what i think about for  Emrie.

Beauty FULL Hilda came today to take the Hoya to her home.  How much i love that….a woman would travel over an hour to adopt a plant.  She was wonderFULL and oh so kind to Tay who was her worst,  just so excited and enthused by her being here,  but she was kind.  

Everett called early this morning from Barstow, CA.   Stuff was good.  I had,  just before that,  realized that i couldn't find the cell phone.  I freaked.  Called the truck stop.  went to Pricilla's food cart.  looked everywhere here,  dialing and getting no ring.  so asked Everett…check the truck.  Maybe when i was at Bill's picking up the grass hay?…his dogs meet me and i open the door and they jump in and ride with me to the hay  barn.  If i've had anything in my rucksack purse,  like Fritos or something,  they nose in there….so maybe?????  but it wasn't at Bill's on the ground.  But when they next stopped for gas,  Everett checked and IT WAS RIGHT THERE.  on the seat.  Little plain black flip phone.  So, the truck Sunny and the cell phone arrive in California before me.  They'll leave the truck but bring back the phone.  at the end of this day,  stuff's just ok.

 

 

 

this is what the 1983 Toyota Pickup truck Sunny does.   For 5 years,  including yesterday,  Sunny brought Goat feed.  Bales of it.  Every month or so.  Never missed.  Always.  Didn't skip a beat.  like i've said before,  they are highly valued farm trucks.  every time i am getting gas up at the truck stop,  someone asks…Wanna sell that truck?   

 

after unloading the bales of Grass Hay from pick up yesterday,  this is where Sunny waited.   for Travis and Everett.   

how to say this in 5 words or less.

the original plan was that Travis would use an Auto transport to pull Sunny….like, he would be up on it,  a flat bed thing.  Late last night that fell through.  Changing to a Tow dolly…front end up but riding on rear tires.  Not the dream for long distance.   But i listened and thought.  Today finally, they get here and i study it,  the Tow dolly.  It's strong,  heavy duty.  Travis points out it's new tires.  Lots of tread.   But he also adds that because the truck is rear wheel drive,  he will need to undo the drive shaft…tie it in place with baling wire.  Baling wire.  Travis is one of the Baling Wire people.  I KNOW them.  

eeeee

I have choices.  I can say NO.   I want to say NO.  But he and Everett are so totally happy and optimistic,  so sure of themselves,  or who they believe themselves to be.  I say things and Travis responds with what his own experience is,  what he Knows.  I stand there.   and i say….Don't bullshit me, Travis.  This is crucial.   and he responds,  it will be Fine, grace.  It is still my decision.  and since i don't really know,  and since i DO know that in order to Get There,  i have to Go,  i say ok. 

we load Sunny with all the stuff i mentioned yesterday,  except for the Janet Chairs.  I just couldn't.  Couldn't send them.   

and as Travis was disconnecting the drive shaft,  Everett and i notice that the passenger side tire (new) of the tow dolly is almost flat.  I go up to the truck stop and buy a can of the Fix a Flat.   They go off,  Sunny, disengaged drive shaft behind,  helpless,  and in their optimistic way,  intend to get air at the truck stop and the set out.  Driving all night.  Through N Mex,  into Arizona and on to California.

which brings me to that term Default.   When i was having coffee with Sydney the other day,  she said some things about  her "default setting"….how she is Re~Viewing that…what it offers and what i keeps her FROM.  I will ask her to say her words to me again in the next couple days…in the moment i was listening to her,  i knew they rang True…but i didn't retain them, exactly.  I want to.

Default

1.  failure to act

4. a preset value that a system assumes or an action it takes unless otherwise instructed.

Default.  What is my default?

and somehow this is tied to all that is in motion with women and men.  Women being 

victimized by men.  Abuse.  Use.  Used.  Women being used.  girls,  used.  abused.   I am drawn to the word Used,  more than abused,  because to me abused indicates some connection whereas,  used means more what i think it really is…being used.  For no particular reason.  Just used.

How does this apply to today?   well….i know that there is so much that i dont know.  And i know that other people,  in these cases,  men,  say they Know.  and i am unsure.  i need a result of some kind.  They Know about that result.  So….i have a choice.  Say no.  Walk away.  or…..Risk.  Hoping against Hope that it will work out ok.  That the trust that i have given will have meaning.

for me today,  it's not the same.  But in a certain way,  it must be,  because i so strongly tie it to me.

and WHAT MIGHT BE the resolution of this?   ahhhhh.   To find out things for YOURSELF.  To learn.  To LEARN the same things that any boy, man, might learn.  to not want to fall back into a default….of relying on.  Stop relying on.  Educate self.

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nothing here,  above is sure.  it's all in the maybe.

 

these are the kinds of things i Like to Know.  Maybe it's not enough.