windthread

had to spend most of the day in town to get paperwork finished for the Going.  Came home to Tay having waited long at the gate, in the heat of the day,  we sat under Old Apricot Tree, some breeze.   me, re-mind-ing about this moment being the only moment really 

and then,  i found this in the inbox from Nancy Erisman,  pomegranatetrail.blogspot.com.  I don't know how to put it in the correct form of the poetic text,  so,  just this way will need to do

SOMETIMES

Sometimes if you move carefully through the forest,

breathing like the ones in the old stories,  who could cross a shimmering bed of leaves without a sound,

you come to a place whose only task is to trouble you with tiny but frightening requests,  conceived out of nowhere but in this place beginning to lead everywhere.

Requests to stop what you are doing right now,  and to stop what you are becoming while you do it,

questions that can make or unmake a life,

questions that have patiently waited for you,

questions that have  no right to go away.

SOMETIMES     From Everything is Waiting for You   David Whyte and Many Rivers Press

this is

IT.  Totally and Completely IT.   Thank You Nancy,  beyond Thank You and then more.

 

tomato plant.  Planted so late.

 

 

 

 

that much.  where i spent the entire day.  I gave water,  i pulled kochia,  i dug 4 holes and planted 4 tomato plants,  over a month later than Ever Before.  

 

this is my friend.  my Belov~ed friend.   that i hand  washed and hung to dry in the Old Woman Apricot Tree.  I've begun wearing her.   its been around 40 years that she has hung in a closet. Couldn't bear the thought of wearing out.  I love this shirt.  again today, when i washed in the bucket in cool water,  she bled.   just some,  but she bled color.  

 

 

 

 

 

i drew a picture for Field Notes

 

 

strand of seeding Feather Grass joined me on the chair.  DOUBLE CLICK

 

used the lid of the enamel pot to make a Toad Soak.  Used to refer to this as a spa,  but right now i don't want to.  It's a place where toads can sit and soak in evening on into the night.  Earlier,  when dripping water into the tomato wells,  sitting with that Grass seed head,  i watched the lizards come to drink.

this is us.  Us.  Google Map  5 Encantada,  Polvadera, New Mex,  USA.    

 

a while back,  and i don't remember why,  i was groping for this word.  

Agency

was one of those things,  at the tip of the tongue,  NEEDED,  but illusive.  Agency.  I emailed Dee,  giving her context,  begging her to come up with the word.  She couldn't.  and i couldn't.

a couple days ago i read an article on dying, and there in it…"a dying person has very little agency"…..    !!!!!!!!!!  my word!!!!!   Agency!!!.  YES!

so today,  i googled  Self Determination   Agency

" the capacity, condition, or state of acting or of exerting power."

and then still  looking,  i see this from National Center on Secondary Education and Transition

"Self-determination:  Supporting Successful Transition  by christine D. Bremer, Mera Kahgal, and Kris Schoeller

Self determination is a concept reflecting the belief that all individuals have the right to direct their own lives.  Students who have self determination skills have a stronger chance of being successful in making the transition to adulthood,  including  employment and independence.  Starting with the 1990 reauthorization of the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act, transition services must be based on student needs and take into account student interests and preferences.   To accomplish this goal,  students must be prepared to participate in planning for their future.  

Self determination encompasses concepts such as free will,  civil and human rights, freedom of choice, independence, personal agency, self direction and individual responsibility.  based on the assumption that people have inborn tendencies to grow and develop psychologically, to strive to master challenges in the environment, and to integrate experience into self concept.  This theory holds that these human tendencies are full expressed only within a supportive social context.  That is, self determination is not achieved simply because an individual has certain requisite knowledge and skills;  it is also important that key people and institutions in the person's life provide a context conducive to self determination.  that even when youth have excellent self determination skills,  they can be thwarted in their efforts to become self determined by people and institutions that present barriers or fail to provide needed supports."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so……here…..on a day that i felt so so Flattened,  so broken,  so Sad.  The WORD showed up in such a fine  and great way.

Agency

Agency.  How do i find my Agency amidst it all.  How IMPORTANT to still and always search for and find one's Agency

Agency.   ok.

 

will finish this.  Alyssia says it's her Favorite Ever except the first one  i ever made,  that she has.  She says that if she saw it AnyWhere,  just there,  AnyWhere,  she would know i had made it.  She says it is totally me.  I like these thoughts of hers.  

 

these colors have been talking in the Thread Basket…the brown is pretty true,  the purpley is more of an eggplant.  They reminded me of the Zulu Prince Sunflowers i used to plant and grow.  Why haven't i planted Sunflowers in the last few years?  I think.  I guess because i DID but there is a hungry eco system out there and the seeds were eaten before they could become.  I need to make a note in the Fieldnotes.  Try Sunflowers again.

i watch the news thingy.  The orange man,  the Cheeto man is dragging it out.  Will he or won't he.  If he withdraws MY country,  it will the the last straw.

 

 

 

 

 

first cup of tea in the Morning Chair,  gazing around as i do,  just to the left one of the thread baskets.  Right on top.  This exact length.

Red Thread.

Cloth is still on the back of that chair and i stretch it and press it on….YES.  oKAY.  Exhale.

off to work and back and then back and forth till now, early eve, and it's STILL OK.  

it's not stitched Through, but stitched down,  stitched in place.  this too is how it needs to be.

i'm  glad i listened.

 

LATER.  Later,  it's almost Rim Time and i go to sit on porch and just feel it all.  They are in the middle yard and all notice me there and stare at me  and i go get salted peanuts in the shell and undo their gate there,  go in and they  crowd around and it's hard to be sure that everyone gets equal peanuts and i'm not sure i did but Close and when it's done and i leave,  they RUN

through the migratory corridor,  a couple times,  back and forth,  just for the heck of it,  i guess.  Just because.  And i watch them and in my mind i imagine their new Place which is so much MORE and full of stuff and i imagine what it might be like…There,  in the new Place

 

 

 

 

to separate them.  One is a memory.  One is a dream.  A memory is whole and of its Self.  a memory is complete.

a dream is unformed and fluid and would not Inform the memory.  the memory does not live in the world of an alive dream.  

is this true?

i have been really enjoying watching the Eckhart Tolle Utubes.   There are a lot.

and today,  as i was practicing  as he teaches….being  in and of a single moment….a butterfly entered that moment and i reached out.  I saw.  a butterfly.  i saw hands,  reaching in acknowledgement of shared presence and in the instance it was blindingly beauty Full.  and then, of course,  as it goes,  i saw the hands…whose hands are these????  they are so Old!  eee,  mine!  My old hands.

so i made a Cloth.   It's in the shop.  4 x 6 inches  butterfly cloth by deb lacativa.  Cloth and ink.

 

the new tarp and  Old chains from the Old cowboy.  The chains are iron.  Heavy.  Working here to hold the tarp down against Wind Man.  I need to remember to take the chains.  They have multiple uses.

 

from the tarping of the 1/2 ton bale through the writing of this so far,  Wind Storm has come and gone.  It's quiet now and the walls are not shaking.  This next week tho,  every day is forcasted thunder storms.  So ok.  we are Ready.   (?)

 

getting used to Plan e or even f or g….good thing there's a long alphabet  

 

 

 

 

not thinking it would be needed,  we put the Goat Boat against the fence and cut the fence.  Which meant that Jackie couldn't back her truck through to get the half ton bale into the Albatross.  And so.  Plan something else,  i hauled some wood over and that half ton is now here.  Today i bought a tarp to cover it.  Rain is coming day after tomorrow.  The other big tarp had been used for Gideon's house.  ok.

getting used to trucks as Landscape Elements

 

hosed out Tay's old house for being Gideon's transport crate.  It's the biggest.  The tarp for the half ton bale is metalic on one side so will be able to cover the crate in the truck.

 

this is MY DAUGHTER.  spawn of me.  Driving a rented Bobcat.  Figuring out how it works and then filling in a Looooong expanse of  terraced space that the good man Nathan created and then bailed.  How amazing.  i am beyond proud.  She bought a hat.

 

Alyssia.  HER daughter,  second from me,  who got good at it too.  INSIDE Alyssia is Emrie,  not yet born.  Listening through her amniotic fluid.  I am beyond.  beyond Proud.  

We Rule.

We talked.  after their long day.  Talked about how maybe Gideon can go in with the Doe Goats.  He is so old for his kind.  For sometime now he has displayed no Buck energy.  No vocalizations.  No Urge. I don't think he would be able to mount a doe.   He is over on the side now,  because of Plan e or f or whatever,  he is in his own space but where he can watch.  He's seeming ok with this,  but we talked this evening about how maybe he might be able to go into the Goat Forest with all the doe goats.  How GREAT would that be for him.  He is the most Excellent Goat Ever and to live out his days in the midst of all those does…how just so great and FULL that might be?  So…maybe.

Maybe.

and the frog they see…Sierran tree frog.  Julian has taken note.  There was also a snake.

 

 

 

 

This morning,   lizard on a root.

and THEN………….

UPS.  a box.

IT ARRIVED

some time ago,  Debra Price Agrums,    Artisun.blogspot.com.   Whitney High School, Cerritos, California  

posted one of her class's work with pinch pots.  and i was TAKEN.   Just so TAKEN by the work of one student,  Sarah Oh.    It was Perfect and just so so Beauty Full and i so much Wanted it,  so i contacted Deb who put me in touch with Sarah Oh herself and the exchange was reached and i had dibs on this pot,  but it would have to wait until the end of the school year and their Exhibit.  I waited.    Watching Deb's blog,  seeing that the end of year exhibit had happened with great great success and then sent my email….That POT.

Today it arrived.  UPS,  beep beep and oh……

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

its  weight.  Its IsNess.  The feel of it in the palm of my hand.  Its unselfconsciousness….just Beauty….there is no way to say how important this pinch pot is to me…that a young woman Trusted.  And that trust is here.  Her Touch is Here.  THIS is ART.  This is Beauty.  THIS is what is needed in this world.

Thank you.  Thank you beyond Thank You, Sarah Oh.  If you read this i hope you place a small mark of yourSelf in the comments.  We will All watch for you,  as these days go,  watch for the artist Sarah Oh….

 

Democracy Now  interview with Tariq Ali    Manchester Bombing is part of viscous cycle, likely blowback from on going war on terror.

Today,  NYT, Google News:   "in fight against the Islamic  state US airstrikes have killed hundreds and possibly thousands of civilians"    …..hundreds and "possibly thousands?"  we don't know?

i read somewhere that the bomber watched his friend killed.

the pain of one multiplies.

 

'

my parallel reality.  The Crow.