windthread

so just in case i get wiped off the face of the planet again,  i want to make sure these get Here.

 

her B side

 

ClothSelf/PaperSelf

 

 

the cloth is a piece of Marti's work

 

 

 

so…at 8a on the dot i talk again to yet another very fine young man at Century link Tech Support.

Internet light GREEEEEEEN.

Soon as i feed the Goats i will order a new modem and be done with this comotion.

 

 

He gave me all the stuff to type in to reset it this time and waited patiently while i wrote it all down with a pen on a piece of paper.  It is possible that until the different modem arrives,  i may be able to reconnect myself  if /when it goes out again.  We'll see.  But if i am Gone again,   floating off, like the figure above….well….i'll be back when i can.   Because i LIKE being here.  It occurred to me this morning that this blog is like my Basket, ….in Jude's terms…..

so…off to feed Goats and Love to all and Thank you to Marti.

 

LATER THIS MORNING….11:00 AM,  waiting for Alfalfa Delivery

Who would have guessed.    I remember long ago,  when i liked to use Runes,  one was 
"Consider the uses of Adversity"…it was my favorite.

While sitting on the porch last night,  watching the Rim with Tay,  waiting for time to call the Old Cowboy and tell him to take his pill, ( so I could go to bed myself)  I was just free floating…like the figure of the drawing…untethered…dis~connected…adrift….and i was very suddenly awash with so many feelings.  All at once,  almost undistinguishable one from another,  none of them surprising or unknown but that they were so strong.   and I suddenly wondered if Tana,  the Old Cowboy's Hospice Social Worker had a private practice…………..??????????………………………..

and i thought that i would think about it a little first,  but maybe call her and ask…tell her that i would like to sort through some things.   

This morning,  (how it goes)  she called here to ask if OCB has a fire extinguisher and smoke detectors.   and i thought….OK.  so i asked her and no,  she has been thinking of beginning a private practice,  but has not acted on it.  She asked why and i told her…that i have loose threads that are tangling all over the place,  that keep moving and i'd like to sit with someone and at least Look at them,  see if i can Still them a little.  As she does,  she was quiet a moment,  and then said  That can fall under Bereavement counseling for Care Giver.  I said   Not about the Old Cowboy,  but rather me…this time in MY life.  She:  Bereavement is bereavement.   

so longer story shorter…..I GET TO GET INTO THERAPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   YAY AND HOORAY!!!!

i never would have guessed there might be anyone in this place that i would want to work with,  but she is just GREAT and the best and NO ego,  NO PERSONAL AGENDA,  she is SMART and well…  she's just Great.   So i breathe a great great exhale and hopefully,  next week i will begin.

UPDATE on modem:  The computer guy in town has just the one i need.  will get it tomorrow.  More TaDa.  Stuff's Good.

AND NOW, ALMOST EVENING….

 

 

 

8:59 p.m

refer to comment and response from Julie.

i apply some of the anti itch stuff to leg for the "spider bite",  which i really don't know is from a spider,  but i just say that.  It's the kind of bite i get in summer.  It began on my knee and the as days go,  moves down down down and tonight the swelling and itch is at the ankle.  Probably tomorrow it will be 

done.  finished.

There will be more,  as time goes on.  But i understand them.  Know them.   When we have become familiar with things,  we just go.  When they are NEW and for the first time,  we don't know and are startled.

 

 

 

 

 

So…i am at Ease this evening.  Today's monsoon storm has come and gone.  There is a good Wind,  but just good.  All is well.  I am sitting here,  typing away.  Watching the print appear on the screen as it appears in my mind.  Thinking how i think it and it flows down from my brain into my arms and out my fingers onto the keyboard then appearing on the screen.  It's a kind of Talking.  Silent Talking.  and an odd kind because i talk first and then Wait for YOU to say something back.  Not the same as in a "real time"  conversation that is immediate.  There is waiting here.  It's nice, in its own way.  But so is….talking.   VOICE.  

so here is my telephone number:  575  835  9363

it's True,  that i am not a lot a telephone person.   But it is also TRUE that sometimes i am.  or,  Like it.  A Voice.  A  voice  is very important.   An immediate response.  So i'm thinking about all this.  Wondering.   Thinking how it's changed.  the Etiquette of Communication.   How it seems that the telephone is "off limits".  Is somehow an Invasion?  Feeling that it's really an Intrusion to call someone.

Just thinking.  Just Wondering.

 

While there was no way to communicate here,  i watched closely how my world seemed to become so much smaller.  How it was just as far as my eye could see out over the horse pasture next door.  I don't have television or radio, even,  tho i could have radio…and maybe i might do the radio thing again?…but in these two days that seemed much longer,  there was only me and whoever lives here with me.  Sunday night the granddaughter called and it felt like from outer space.

So to pull all this up a little short…There is the TELEPHONE number up above.  If you might be Wondering what's going on….dial it…HA!   poke the numbers.  I'll answer.

The very Fine young man in the Telephone/Internet tech support,  after he fed in the "lost" or "forgotten" information from/to the modem told me that sometimes when this happens,  it begins to happen again and that means i need to get a new modem.  This one is 8 years old.  Which to me seems young.  But i guess in modem world it isn't.    So OK.  i won't be shocked like i was this weekend.  

 

this is how the Storms are.  Just before the Internet went out,  this one came…from over on the Rim.  They are stronger and MORE than they ever have been.

 

Chinche is afraid.  She doesn't know what to do.

 

Tay stays as close as she can get.

 

When SUN comes

 

 

 

in cloth,  does she "read" as she originally did in paper?  I can't tell because i am so used to looking at her

and i forgot to say….to the first above,  that i would Never just kind of disappear here with no explanation.  I would at least say i'm going away.   Writing here and posting the pics is not at all hard for me.  It takes no undue effort,  and really is a certain kind of Joy.   I am not one to be worn down by blogging  or the Internet.  Always,  my only concern is that it's boring,  and i have come to terms with that and think…Oh Well….Boring…so OK.

So….LOVE to All who come around.  It means a lot.  Here in this Place i find mySelf…..

 

 

 

 

after being on hold for 31 minutes this morning i spoke to a very excellent young man in Salt Lake City at my Phone/Internet Server company, Century Link,  having been driven almost insane by their waiting music which is extremely anxiety provoking

determined it was that the modem had forgotten it's information.  He ran me through reentering it and TADA!!!!! BACK!!!!!!  with the warning from him that once they forget,  i might know that it might happen again.

Anyway…it went out last Friday afternoon during one of the STORMS.   Has been an interesting weekend with no computer.  

Have to go to work. More later and just to say,  that i really do,  like really do,  appreciate this Place here and all You that come here.  Very Much.   Yes.   Love…….

 

 

 

 

was going to just skip posting.  Just skip it.  Then sitting in the Morning Chair i looked out the screen door to see this "sky".   So,  no matter what i had "done" with this day or "did not do" with this day,  the Day Its Self  ……,    …….,   was.   

So, aside what i did or did not do.  Aside from the difficulties of which i participated,  the Day experienced itself.  Clearly and Completely.   I did or did not do things.   I Put things onto this day like we might put pieces of cloth on a blank ground cloth.  

 

 

the one wall where nothing was Ever right.    This is.    I couldn't wait,  but Raya and i had planned some work.  I am training her to be my Goat Ranch hand.  A  9 yr old girl is perfect.  So we moved things and then hauled the long piece of cattle panel into Nogal and Tenzen's place and attached it to the existing fence.   The existing fence was achieving a Bulge from their rubbing along it as Goats do to itch them selves.   This will enhance the itching while securing the bulge.  More proactive.    

That done,  i secured with invisible baste,  only the very top edges of the scraps.

 

as i went,  i took out the tie threads.  But this seems to "tame" it.  Might put some back.

 

 

A HUGE STORM DAY and i read a little…Rebecca Solnit…..she's speaking of Writing

"Writing is saying to no one and to every one the things it is not possible to say to someone.  Or rather, writing is saying to the no one who may eventually be the reader those things one has no someone to whom to say them.  Matters that are so subtle,  so personal,  so obscure that i ordinarily can't imagine saying them to the people to whom i'm the closest."

change this to "making"   and "viewer".  Say to Show.

Making is showing to no one and to every one the things it is not possible to say to someone.  Or rather,  making is showing to the no one who may eventually be the viewer, those things one has no someone to whom to show.  Matters that are so subtle, so personal, so obscure that i ordinarily can't imagine showing them to the people to whom i'm the closest".   Yes.

It has been a rainy stormy June.  And now,  Monsoon is early.  Today an intense intense intense Storm and the spadefoot toads woke up.   You can google them  Couch's Spadefoot Toad.  They rise once a year and create an otherworldly sound.  Said to be like the bleating of sheep.  Think hundreds of sheep.  Loud.  It goes on maybe two days and nights as they meet and mate.   Because of the rain through June,  the earth is saturated and there is a good chance that the roadside nursery puddles will remain and if so,  i will try to get a pic or two of their tadpoles that are beyond BeautyFULL , flecks of coppery bronze,  and big…pea size.  So for the toads,  Celebration.

 

For Others,  there is nowhere   nice to lie down.  Standing is the only option unless it's into the Albatross and bedtime is the only time anyone wants to be there.  Or,  during the rain.  So,  there is restlessness and dis-ease with them commenting about that.  Grumpy Goats and SpadeFoot.  It's noisy.   And throughout,  the Mocking Bird couple continue to teach their 4 fledglings the speech.

 

 

 

 

after Jude's today's post on Small Journeys,  remembering the Whispering Colors Workshop,

 

these pieces having remained on the Wall since then,  so, remembering 

 

i looked over to the right of me at the envelope of scraps that Patricia,  Followingthread.wordpress.com  sent…small pieces,  she sent them in a letter size envelope,

and without any forethought,  just arranged them like this.   Tied them to the big cloth with just a little piece of thread.   How GOOD it felt to do this,  to look at them this way,  in Community.  I'll leave them on the wall this way and use each as i go along over time….BUT,  still wondering about this Urge to make a figure,

 

How did this feel?    Is / Would it be enough to do this?   Or do i really want to make a 

being?

But then…the "ground cloth" for the Being would be this Place.  This house,  as it is for me.   Thinking.

am letting the wondering sit for now.  

watching things about the Dalai Lama's 80th birthday,  listening to him,  as i have done for so long,

i hear him say things,  and then a breath,  and then…..Therefore,  and he goes on.

Everything,  it seems,  is associated by   …. Therefore …..

Causation.    

This …..seems to be,  because of the causation of…..this.   Therefore.   I love very much,  how he says things and then says

Therefore

and goes on

 

this is something i care about a lot lately.   These tortillas from the Food Co Op in Albuquerque which come from the Food Co Op in Taos.  These tortillas are to die for.  Thin,  crisp beautyFully in a pan with olive oil and butter.  I cannot 

WAIT

till morning when i make a quesadilla of squash, onion and cilantro,  cheese.  4 days now and i am looking forward to tomorro morning again.  Same thing.  oh, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

I dreamed last night about making a 

figure

might be called a doll

might be called a fiber figure

i dreamed it.  And i was excited this morning about that.  As the day went,  the early excitement dwindled to Thinking.

Why?

Why.

Do I REALLY want to do this?   I know how,  have done it in the past.  WHY does this arise now?  Does it really

want to be done?

or,  What?

So…thinking.  Watching.  Thinking more.  Watching more.  What IS it that is moving into the

works of it all

 

 

Today is the Dalai Lama's Birthday.  He teaches Compassion.  

this is a piece of Deb Lacativa's cloth.   It is Utterly Grand.

 

 

 

the colors and the power and the Energy and the Life of this Cloth,   as it is,  is somewhere between the first photograph and these two…it is difficult to capture really what it IS…

Which is just stunning.

and so

Compassion.   Which maybe is a sister of Mercy.   Thinking.  

I went yesterday.  But no one was home but an outside pit bull and an inside one at a window.  On my way to work in San Antonio this morning,  driving by that little piece of land at the turn where he had put a trailer home some years ago,  maybe 4 or something,  he was Outside.  So i skidded in.  Introduced myself and just went.  Told him i needed some kind of back up plan.  For storms.  And that i'd noticed that he was pretty much around.  And just asked.  Would he be ok with me having a phone number for in case.  For in case of that kind of Storm and having no one home to help.  Would he be ok with that?   And he said

"i'm not a carpenter"  i said ok.

"i can't do a lot."  i said ok.  

I said if you can push against a fence panel.  If you can hold up one end of a 2X6,  that's good.

he said

"ok.  i could do that".

His name is David.  i have his phone number now.  He's close by and he's my plan C.  ok.  Plan C.  Because this last time,  Plan A and B were not available.  Proactive.

And i had a long conversation with Kelly who took the two doe goats.  And i emailed her later,  because i knew i needed to.  When she gets set up down there on her Lavender Ranch,  i am hoping she will take Sonny Ray.  It's time.  Someone who (me) is not breeding Goats doesn't need four bucks.  Probably none,  but for sure, not

 four.  Sunny Ray lives with his father Gideon who is very old for a Nigerian Dwarf Goat but still going.  Sunny Ray,  now in his third year is more and more copping an attitude and giving Gideon a hard time.   Gideon seems to take it in stride,  tho he is crippled.  But it's hard for me.  Buck goats have extensive verbalizations and are very loud.  Hard to listen to.

I haven't heard back from her yet.  I hope for this.  I love Sunny Ray.  He and his sister Cinderella were the first born here and so much loved and held and loved.  He is a good and thoughtfull Goat in his so much buckness.  He would make a good addition for her herd.  

Earlier,  on the way back from my work away in San Antonio,  i went to Old Cowboy's where we practiced using the Morphine Nebulizer.  He needs more practice.  But he practiced.   and he had good results from it…i just called to see.  Good results.

so a day of kindness.  All around.  of trying to see what can make things easier.  yes.