windthread

it is SO much longer…SO much more light…a beautiful slow slide,  Sun to the rim….i can feel the energy Rising.

 

first to dry on the stolen Janet Chair.  you can see a small string of mother of pearl buttons?  i will need to change the originals.  but then a HUGE Dust Devil came directly through and the buttons are who knows where.  i'll offer a reward and let Marti's grandkids hunt them down.

 

and finished off under the Apricot branches.  no residue, no smell.  just as if it had always been this way.  

 

there needs to be a new word for corrosion.  the incredible beauty of this jar lid….it occurs to me as i type this, i want to press it to a piece of cloth…see what mark it gives.  Tomorrow morning.

 

and my buddhism continues to be primary right now, Again, finally, and still,  presenting me with challenges.   This is Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche,  he, who i was heading for when i "set out" so long ago.   What to do?  He died in 1991.   His tulku,  direct incarnation,  Khyentse Yangsi was born in 1993.   They are One.  Same.  but here i am…wanting the "original",  which makes me smile that i use that word,  he was not Original even then.  but original to my eye and heart.  

I love this photograph of him,  just Looking,  through curtains on his return to Shechen in 1985 after 30 years of exile.

so…now what, i'm thinking……

 

this is from October, 2010   Maybe Cloth to Cloth?  or  Contemporary Woven Boro?  Which?

where Jude taught us to make simple looms of shoe boxes.  and at the time, i thought why not make a loom ON a cloth?   and this was it.   pieces were taken out and used other places over time.  it no longer exists.  but i am going to do this again.  maybe Sunday.  see what i've learned,  see what happens now.   it reminds me of a musical instrument.

 

will spend the night in soapy water….however it comes out,  i will think of it as leaf color.   That's one of the names i wanted to name my daughter,  Leaf.    i like just saying the word.  Leaf.  Leaf.

 

i found it.  …under the stack of calenders.

 

 

 

 

much lighter than it is but had to lighten to see the red thread.  on the left, mingled with dark brown on the right with pale green.    there will be more.  an impromptu call for an Alz B visit slowed the day.

early this morning i remembered that i'd put a wool sweater i'd been given into the stinky walnut vat outside.  days ago.  the sweater is 100% wool.   it was also chartreuse.  probably the only color that makes me cringe.  but a very good wool cardigan.  

 

dripping excess back into the vat

 

this afternoon.  almost dry.  had to take it from this direction because of  Sun in West.

 

East to West, into late afternoon Sun

 

Jude's doodle Wednesday seems to have seeded here.   i think this is the second Wednesday in a row that i've drawn something in the morning?  but not as a doodle, but to clarify a thought.

 

distilled.   part of a substance evaporating,  a more concentrated substance remaining.

3 times in the last month or so,  i was thought to be very ill,  depressed, or even dead.   the very ill or even dead were local wonderings,  the depressed came from over a thousand miles away in my Old life.    this caused some wondering on my part.  

Patricia commented yesterday about  "putting language to things" and when i read that it connected with something that has been on my mind for a while.   How i don't even make any great effort at language anymore.   Here,  which is now the only place i write,  i find self saying what i want to say with the most plain and few words possible.   For someone who always had wanted to be a Writer,  this has been a change.   but it has just occured.  nothing deliberate.   which then takes me to other thoughts.  When i began reading Preparing to Die  i was expecting to find so much that would cause me to question myself as i often have, about WHY i don't go forward with my Buddhism.   For a long time i have known that i need direct Teachings.   i need a Teacher.   but once again…my life, specifically, the Goats now,  have kept me from going toward that.  So, i'd expected to have those same feelings again.  But to my great surprise,  i am finding that i  HAVE been Practicing.  i HAVE gone forward,  a lot.  Things that i only understood intellectually before have become just part of How it Is for me now.  and this is a great great happiness.  Distilled, maybe.   parts of self just Evaporating.   no direct effort.   just the simple process of evaporation.   and the little picture above…well…it's true,  it's not much.   just those things are my life.  i don't go much outside them.  and maybe i'm seeming to go more Toward them.  Toward only That Much.  it's pretty small,  i'd have to agree.   

 

 

work away Tuesday so,  not a lot of time here, but all the Ground is invisibly stitched down.

 

and i just did it.  the top green…i stitched it.   Visibly.    i stood a little while before i put the needle in to just go….and in that moment i realized it's something i do that i hadn't actually acknowledged before.   All the while a cloth is invisibly basted,   it is as if it could be "real"…it could be like the Real image of Whateveritis  the story is,  that is in my mind,  is something Real in my mind.  a Real thing, a Real place,  in this case, a Real earth, far below.   But when i take a real stitch,  it suddenly becomes a Cloth.   the story i guess is taken on, or into,  the Cloth??,,….?   hard to describe.    but it's a significant moment.  from then on, there is no hesitation.

 

i found this shirt the other day at the Thrift Shop.   it's a really very very fine Linen.  a Ralph Lauren shirt.   and tho i've never had a Ralph Lauren shirt before,  i would imagine that kind of shirt might be this very good linen.  it's not light weight, really,  and it's very soft to touch.   it's Celery Green.   like those scraps in the cloth.  like everything leafing outSide.  and i've never chosen to have a green shirt before.  but now…..   i'll applique some scraps on it.    will be a spring work shirt.  gives me a good feeling.   i've cut off the collar and cuffs.

 

 

WorkAway  day and on the drive, there is the most pale celery green cast to this world….Cottonwoods are beginning to leaf in the Bosque along the River…other things,  the rolling of the LandScape was magnificant.

 

 

this second is taken with the flash.   color not true but  is good to show the dimension of the scraps.  i seem to have made this shift…not wanting the scraps to be flat, or all of them, to be flat.  how to accomplish that…   Some of it is by letting the cloth fold up, or in.  but some i am trying by letting it ease between invisible baste stitches.   More Learning needed here.

 

 

the short tutorial in pics.

 

 

 

there was Interest by all.  i've left the gate tied Open so they can go in and out,  so it will become familiar.  it will be used only for the Training and the Fruits of the Training:  hoof trimming.   my neighbor Margie's son, Strongman, helped me move the milkstand.

 

early this morning

 

by early afternoon….

how i wish i could see in slow motion, could have watched the Real and True Miracle of this.   Tomato Plant

 

i think this is It.

and all day i did these things but felt somewhat detached too.   it's an odd feeling.  i don't know what to say of it.   really,  there's nothing to say of it.   just to Just Go in it.   i had gotten to the place in the book that talks about Dream Yoga.   this was in a certain way,  new to me.   i have avoided dream because my dreaming is so strange.  but as i read through it,  i was suddenly almost exhonorated.  What if my strange dreaming were for purpose?,  as was said in the book…the Lucid Dreaming…that i just do,  with no volition…and that i don't really like at all….but just do……what if it will be of great use in the bardo???   so…this has set a certain tone.   and Remember,  this is above all a Journal.  so if it is of no interest,  that's ok.  i still need to set it down here,  on March 16th, 20014.  Journal.    and i talked yesterday about using the experience with Alz B to understand.  and i am doing it again.  in the middle of the day i took Sogyal Rinpoche's  The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying off the shelf.  many years since i have turned it's pages.  and opened it to By the Bedside of the Dying.  reading,….about those who have no spiritual background…which would be Alz B., which would also be her son who most likely will also be present, ….reading of invoking a Great and Beautiful Light,  and i suddenly thought of FLOWERS.  She loved FLOWERS.   She had a rose garden in her front yard that she and i would sit amidst day after day,  year after year.  She loved the beautiful blooms so much,  they filled her with great pleasure.   And it is also true that the moment the blooms began to wither,  she would become preoccupied with their "ugliness" until we had clipped all the withering blooms away and left only the buds of the new.  But what i NEED to work with now is focusing on her love of the beauty.   in the moments of her transition,  she will need to Ride that Beauty into the new,  into the unfamiliar.   and my work will be to talk of it…to remind her to Look for that.    

so…thinking.  

 

 

 

 

 

Earth.   there is imbalance with the left so dark,  but could there be good reason for that?  Can imbalance be for good reason?   What if i left it this way?   i need to wait until the morning to look again.  nothing is stitched down at all.

 

To Alz B.

 

to Lumber yard/hardware.  my own creation.  The Salon.   About which again, the mustang woman Patricia was right.   i tried to make it Not right.  i tried to say (to self)  that the hoof work could be done in the shed when they are up in the Front.   Down the road, this very well may become true.  But for now, especially since there is no milking going on,  it's in the Way Back that there will be the most comfort.  so in this very front corner,  the Salon.   Had a 16ft cattle panel cut twice.  8ft and 5ft.  Small enough and big enough.  i'll bring the milking stand into it.    that cement block will be buried, will be invisible and the post sunk into one of the holes*…the end sticking up which looks like i have beavers,   that will be buried.   a 2×4  afixed to the fence for the 5ft gate hinges.  then the gate and the 8ft length can be closed together with a single simple clip.   it's not for Keeping any one IN, just to indicate a seperate space where certain things happen.  the gate will be opened.  any one will be invited in,  up on the milking stand.   and then the gate closed.   the hoof work can happen.  first the hoof training.  then the hoof work.  Everyone else can watch.  Goats are really into watching others of ThemSelves do things.  They see it happen and they want to try.  am counting on that.  Snowbunny of course will be first.   she loves the milking stand.   We'll see.  There was GREAT GREAT WIND today and this is as far as i could get.  maybe tomorrow to do the actual "construction"….but i'm feeling  quite competent.  i like feeling competent.   *the buried cement block was my invention for not wanting to mix concrete.  and also,  it makes the post removable.  so the whole thing can be taken apart and used elsewhere for other purposes if needed. 

Reading more in Preparing to Die.  Got to the more complex esoteric parts,  but within those pages was this quote of Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche  "It is said that every thought that occurs in the mind, especially if it is watered with intention, is planting a seed for an entire lifetime.  If I am sitting here feeling upset….then according to Buddhist tradition, I am planting the seed of a rebirth into that realm of irritation.  I will be unfolding that thought for who-knows-how-long"    Can't get more simple than that.   What do i water with intention?

 

 

 

 

this morning was moist and warm out There,  Sun strong , like honey flowing.   it's the time of year when these things need to determine the course of the day.  i would have been wise to stay out early,  work on the tree hole,   dig and sink the cement block for the post in the Way Back,  poke around in the raised bed composting,  things like that.    but after feeding the Goats i came in.

 

and spent over four hours STRAIGHT, non stop,   fooling with this small small face.   it's the original face,  the kind of odd one,  but it's The One and i did so many minute things.  it's smaller than a dry pinto bean.  too small, really, to work with…but if it were bigger,  the cloth would have needed to be bigger too.  i still don't know how to think ahead about these things when i begin.  so i am trying to do that with this Cloth.  Understand.  

 

and during those four hours the weather became overcast and dreary,  soft rain off and on.   But i wanted to keep going so i invisible basted the crow and finished any stitching of the "Air".   by then my eyes were tired of trying to see in the grey light so i had to give it up but  kept thinking about faces and how they can tell so much of any story.   remembered that i'd put some in the little altar basket…got them out…

 

remember, you can double click to enlarge

 

looking,  thinking how all these are faces that "weren't right" when i was was working on a cloth,  but what if i just looked at them,  listen for the story they might be "right" for????  so i got interested in that.

 

decided to just make some faces…no story in mind.  just faces…for no reason except to explore them.  these two were drawn then "scratched" with a stiff paint brush, cut blunt and short,  dipped in turpentine.  the turpentine causing the ink to bleed some,  in some places,  disappear entirely.

 

 

 

 

these are only a few.  the original is in the foreground,  with the odd but interesting face.  but…is it the face for this Cloth?  they are very very small.  almost any mark is too much.

 

this face,  that might be The One,  is maybe too big.   i could counterbalance that by making her body bigger…will try that tomorrow.  OR maybe i'll go back to the original Very small strange face.

 

today's face from printer with pencil hair

 

began digging first hole for first Native Plum to go into the Earth.  only some.  the thumb and wrist need one more night of Arnica.  but…it's begun.

 

fire wood

 

a small planet in what will be the Woad garden this year.

 

and i got the book,  Preparing to Die  back from who i'd loaned it to before ever beginning to read it.

Preparing to Die   Practical Advice and Spiritual Wisdom from the Tibetan Buddhist Tradition.

A guide for those facing death and for their caregivers, including teachings from the great masters and useful advice on navigating end-of-life issues      by   Andrew Holecek

it is GREAT.  it is very very very GREAT.   

 

and for the second day i am working with this image.   it's taking it's time.,  the thoughts, the feelings.   taking their time.   this is Good.

 

i began the day listening to a link that Michelle sent me.  let's see what happens when i put all the stuff here for it….:    http://youtu.be/e6Mn8 TBm6cc   nope.  didn't light up.  oh well.  it's Ram Das  Death is Not an Outrage.   maybe Michelle will put the little blue link here????  in case anyone is interested.

so began there.  Planning to sew all day but soon finding that i'd hurt my thumb yesterday with all  the stuff about getting Goats moved and the Way Back gate open enough to let the truck in.    Thumb knuckle swollen and sore.   Arnica. and since i couldn't sew i thought i might as well do one of my 2 Alz B days for the week, since i didn't go yesterday.   and i thought about the Ram Das words as i drove there.   about being Empty of Who I Am  and it was….. ,  well,  it was.   Alz B was gaging up a lot of phlem and the CNA and i changed her shirt and bagged up the icky blanket and stuffed frog  and changed her pants (diaper)  emptied her Foley bag and tucked her in for a (hopefully) nap.  it was inordinately busy in the halls…lots of people wanting/needing things and not enough staff to respond immediately and there was a Do Not Resuscitate going on halfway down B's hall and everytime i turned around there was Virginia,  who i'd thought was only in her maybe late 30's,  but she's older,  there she was…wanting to hug.   many times.  Huging  Virginia is, is ….what?  Huging Virginia is so very well…excellent.  she's in a wheelchair which she skoots around in on her own,  so you lean down and her arms slowly open wide wide and wide and then just as slowly close in around you.  Firm.  but so Softly.  and it stays like this, for long seconds.  and then she releases and her arms go back out like wings and she looks into your face with such love.  such benevolence in her eyes and smile.   we aren't supposed to know anything about anyother of the residents than "ours",  but i know that Virginia has some kind of problem with her brain,  with blood clots and that they had to do brain surgery…her head was shaved…and that before all that she was Bi Polar all her life.  but slowly we have become friends enough to Give/Receive hugs,  those slow motion hugs of such soft soft intensity.  and then there was Johnny who wanted to tell ALL the details of his catarac surgery…and he was ecstatic with is new Vision and wanted to talk about it.   and then the grocery store was full to the Brim of social interaction as it sometimes is.  won't go into that.   so…that was THAT movie 

and then home.  where i just SAT outside the rest of the day.  sat.  i realized that it has been so so long since i have sat.   and i tried to get Empty.  Tried to release all the thoughts that were floating through and just Follow the Breath.     i sat in different places.  on rocks,  on wood and then finally on the porch steps,  following the path of Sun as it moved across the sky to the Rim.  sometimes i was able to be just Empty.  and when i wasn't,  i just Listened to the Goats.  Listened to how they spend their afternoon.   now and then i would look over and always one or more of them were watching me.

 

What would it be like if they were gone?