windthread

i re taped my vacuum cleaner hose…but first cut off the old duct tape….and saw this piece on the floor…it's beauty full and i'd like to make a cloth like it sometime.  then i went to the Tuesday very fast Hydrologist cleaning job where basically i just vacuum up cat hair and clean his sliding glass door of stuff the male Peacock splatters there.    Then into town to get Blue Bunny Chocolate Chip icecream for the Old Cowboy because he forgot to tell me last time i was there and he was almost out.  and he needed more Cinnamon Swirl bread from Walmart.  ok.  so somehow i found self in the paper department at Walmart, looking at stenographers notebooks.  yes…they still have them.  and there was a package of 3  and i picked through the wrapping and tho the top one looked blue, the middle one was a nice color so i thought ok…i'll use the middle one….i have a real THING about the colors of things, the substance of things…some stuff i just can't use and lo and behold when i got home…

they are all three a very nice just plain cardboard .  no words.  no creepy color that might attract, just very beautiful and plain  and looking at this i knew a change is in the wind.  when i feel like i need to keep track of things, keep track of my thoughts,  it's the stenographer's notebook.  so many times lately i have wanted to reference things and i try but it's too hard, takes too much time so i give up.  so today, standing there looking at these at Walmart, i knew something is UP.

and these next…there's some STORM ENERGY out there, so this might need to shut down abruptly, so i will just put these here.  they are in response to Julie.  i took pics of pics on the table tonight as it was getting very evening.  the light isn't good, but really, it's ok.  i think i like them this way.

this is me.  my brother's kids.  when i SET OUT.  i think 1989 or so.  Minnesota….my first stop from Michigan.  to say goodbye.

my clothsline in Oregon

coming to New Mexico.  I believed you could do anything.

one of the places i lived.  I bought a goat.  Ebie.

another place i lived.  This was my STUDIO.  made from a RailRoad packing crate.  This was my half wolf dog,  Winter Sky at Twilight.

this is what this PLACE was like when i came to it

so…

here i Was.  in Polvadera New Mexico.  and here i am.  tonight.  still.  in Polvadera New Mexico.  as i said to Julie in the email…a lot of water under a lot of bridges.  i don't know if i can make any sense of it.  but….the Stenographer's notebooks are a sign.  so, ok.

suddenly,  i understood.   because of having drawn,  with graphite,  lizards so many many times before, i could not make that transition to cloth.  because of having Seen them, so many many times For Real,  for real as in a photograph,  i could not make the transition.

the person changed her mind and i DID go to work today, but i rushed home….i am so engrossed with this cloth…rushed home and have worked on it for some hours until suddenly i understood what i was doing and why it wasn't working.  

so…this is good.  i will leave her now while i work on the stones and the grasses, on that personal moon,  on the Universal Moon that watches over All of Us… 

this has been just GREAT and great and wonderful and i know so much more now than when i began.

BIG storm just behind the Rim.  off computer.

it's not here yet.  i want to make Mango Chutney.  Pray that they ripen

this morning, i couldn't find Mercy when i went out to move the feed tubs

and then i saw her.  She was having a personal moment.

and all the while everyone else crowed and pushed and maneuvered,  she remained there.  i can't know what she was thinking.  but for sure, Something.

and then…the Lizard.

this is an old drawing.  but i can draw a lizard in a heartbeat.  Stitching a lizard is an entirely different thing.

i stitched and took away.  stitched and took away.  on and on.  it's the 

GESTURE

so subtle.  just a gesture that represented,  gives them the reality of what they are.  or makes them appear as something else entirely.  so…over and over.  and still, not yet.  but for today, enough.  and i have NO idea if i can do it.  maybe not.  i knew when making one of this size it might be hard.  but i didn't know HOW hard.  so

i learn.

i spent a LOT of the early part of the day working on the tail.  Trying to get it right.

and it just got…more…not Right.  it got Heavy.  so much heavier than the body.  and kept noticing this but kept stubbornly trying to make something happen that just wasn't going to.

So…finally, late afternoon, i cut it all off.  Began again.

so…Evening now.  and this is where a days work brought me.  and i look and it's better.  yes.

to decide now…how Literal do i want to be?  do i want it completely filled in?  or just some.  and also,  realizing that it needs to be in keeping with the legs which also will be just stitch…so all of that.  

and an update on Goats and clothes on the line.  today, there was more interest…some mouthing

until Wind flapped the sheet and that was that.

so

yesterday i spend pretty much the whole day driving to Albuquerque to the Cost Co for the Old Cowboy, getting off freeway to go to the Reservation Smoke Shop to buy his Copenhagen with no tax and back on the freeway into Albuq which is like a Rodeo, that part of the freeway and into the CostCo to buy him honey and peanut butter and Log Cabin Syrup and dog food, toilet paper, paper towel and DVD-Rs so he can continue to pirate things off his Dish Network.  all told it's about,  well  a 200 + round trip.  it's all i do.  drive, get his stuff, drive back.    when i got home, i went outside.  began pulling the weed plants that have arisen with the rain in the House Yard, the Right Side.

today, i took him to the Magistrate Court in response to the supoena that he received to file charges against the young man who he had hoped would clean his yard and maybe more for cheap but who instead used his truck and his pin number at his ATM and ripped him off and is in jail now because of getting caught in his truck with heroine.  We sat there for 3 hours, listening to sad story after sad story until the court assistant that i had talked to motioned for me to come….said there would be a continuance and he would need to come back again.  the court would contact him.  we left.  and i came home to the Goats, to finish the weed work.

the large coiled thing is the hose that is supposed to become the Grey Water drain.  it just sits. Who Knows when that might happen.

so….if you are looking for an UpLifting Blog, you will need to go elsewhere.  There is simply some very slitty eyed Just Going here.  my right eye aches.  like back into my head, where i imagine eye Roots go….near my brain…i can feel them, these Eye Roots…individually, and it's a kind of ache.

When i got to his house today it was silent and usually two TVs are going simultaneously.  one in the living room with some movie he's taping and the kitchen/diningroom one with CNN.   i knew the CNN one was off because HE knew it would be a hot topic….and he was nervous enough about going out of the house One, and to a situation he didn't know, court, Two…

but then…as it is with people, he couldn't help it.  as i was helping him work his walker through his front door to the car, he said…."I'm sweatin like a nigger going to an election".

it's bad enough normally, but in the moment i just froze.  he understood it all totally and clunked my arm with the back of his hand and said  "lets go, Sugarfoot".

in that moment i close to hated him.  and then now and then during the court thing, i was close to hating him.  i have let go of hate if i ever truly felt Real Hate ever, but things close, and i have come to understand that as toxic.  to the hater and the hated.  so i don't indulge in anything close to hate anymore.  but today…something like it rose up.   and i felt so uhhh, helpless in the face of it.  his repeatedly CHOOSing to find pleasure in those kinds of words, to find some kind of release in those kinds of words.  WHY?????????????  What Good does it serve him?  And i can't just never go back.  if i could, i would…never go back.  but i can't.  and it's the same in a certain way that i have to face not being able to never go back to this country i live in.  it's what IS.  and i am so really 

What?

What am i "so really?"  i don't know how to think it yet.  maybe tomorrow, when i get to stay home.

this was the Sun, late in this day

                                                                         Rachel Jeantel                                                                                                                       

Juror:  
"i think she felt inadequate toward everyone because of her education and her communication skills.  I just felt sadness for her"

i think she exercised incredible restraint with an innate urge for Truth,  for Honesty,  for Un Pretentiousness.   Inadequate?, oh….oh, no.  a very Adequate Young Woman.    i saw a very Real, very very Adequate young woman.  i want her to go anywhere she possibly might imagine wanting to in her life.   

i tried to find where it is the pics are of me and my family.  they always allude me when i want to blog them.  the one with me, my daughter, my granddaughter who is the mother of the child above.

i looked tonight for the picture of my grandson and my daughter, his mother, at his graduation from High School.  

oh well but the point was,  i have a mixed family.  

so when i look at my grandchildren's faces,  not only do i see something of myself in them but i see myself as brown.  

and today i look into the faces of the young people in the news and i see my family.   

and to say i am broken hearted is to say really nothing that expresses my deep deep grief about this country i find myself living in.