so…we will take the first pic.
so. this would be 1989? i think? or so, give or take? how old was i then????? math is like glass shards in my head. 43? could it be? someone correct me if i'm wrong. i'm 67 now.
so here i am. in Debs Minnesota. on my brother's farm where my mother then had come to live. i had Set Out from Ann Arbor Michigan and went there first to say adios to my mother, mostly. but them too. and that was the first time i said what i will never say again. a "for sure" thing. a promise, really. she kept saying "Why are you doing this?" i said, "i'll come back if you need me".
and who decides the nature of need?, this becoming the question over the years. i went back once. for her 90th birthday. i did not go back when she died. i don't know if that matters. still.
so..what WAS i doing? i left these things: a job of 17 years on the acute admitting ward of the Adult Psychiatric Hospital of the University of Michigan. a year old part ownership of a New Age bookstore, a newly blossoming career of Art Therapy with spinal cord injured men. and MORE, an almost 14 year old son and an almost 18 year old daughter with a one year old daughter herself.
What was i doing?
I had a dream. it was one of the "Narrator Dreams" where i would dream and then just before waking, a "Narrator" would pull it all together and give me a One Liner. this one was……………. "Your Life is a Kind and Loving Nightmare". no need to detail the dream other than as these words were "spoken", i was about to open a black lacquered box that was in front of me on a pedestal.
so, this. and a woman who i had studied Tarot with, very casually almost, said to me…." is it possible that you have fulfilled your karmic obligation?"
i'm trying to make myself slow down with this telling. there is an urge to hurry through it. i've thought about it so many times. so many times. but….i am going to try to go slow. see if there's something i might have missed.
so. for over a year, i had these loooooong draining conversations with the kids. i repeated. over and over and over what my "bottom line" was with them. Which was…go to school. simple. Not. Having brought them up to question everything, they both were adept at it. and really, they didn't believe me…that i would leave. that they could rely on their Dad from then on.
But i did. The house was sold even before it went on the market. the cats given away. i left a lot of stuff just IN the house and told everyone i knew to come by and take anything they wanted. and i packed several bananna boxes from the grocery store with cloth, with threads, beads, drawing paper, colored pencils, graphite pencils, pink pearl erasers, kneadable erasers, books, books, books, and my sewing machine. and left. i left in my beloved 197o Ford Econoline, Fern. and i drove and cried. cried and drove. and drove and cried and cried and drove. all the way to Oregon.
what was driving me nuts was the Question….
What was the Basic Equation? the MOST basic equation?
?????=a good Life
windthread 
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