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Julie’s Good Question 4

ok.  so.

What do i make of it all?, so far????

FOR SURE.  for sure, i Know that i would be Good here.  "forever".  which means till i'm dead.   ……When will that be?  don't know.  so, maybe a while?, maybe a LONG while?  don't know.  and really, i've gotten good at being with that.  i just go.  and it works very well.  BUT/AND

what do i make of it all?, in the moment.???  Have i learned some of the answer to that question that drove me to Leave?  yes.  i have learned a Lot.  and i am softly deeply Glad.  i learned at least that Where you live matters in a certain way.  but most of all, How you spend your days, the days of your life is most important.   but…that's almost beside the point.  What interests me most in this moment TODAY is how it happens.  because seeing by writing about this, that the process was pretty much internal, subconscious processing,  is now freeing me from concern.  in the course of writing this down, i saw how almost impulsive everything APPEARED.  how SUDDEN it might appear.  but really,  the seed settled, layed quiet, still, in darkness.  softened, cracked, sent the oh so vulnerable initiating  filament…testing.  can it support life?  yes/no?  if so, then, GO.  

and it brings me back to that day a couple years ago when daughter and i had time on our hands in Albuquerque.  we'd taken her dogs to a Free Spay Clinic.  had to wait till late in the day to pick them up.  so, we went to the Art Museum.  and then having still more time, sprawled on the grass of the park across the way.  free association day.  and she talked about wanting to live near her grandson, be a part of his life.  this would be in California.  and then she went on.  about how GOING would feel to her.  How LEAVING me here would feel to her.  small sentences.  quiet thoughts.  just thinking outloud.  and i heard myself saying ….i actually heard myself saying… OK.

i will defer.  i have done what i needed to do.  and even tho it has brought me to a moment where the Love of it is HUGE, …ok…i will defer.  ok.  i'll 

go.

and that brought a lot of Stuff over the next months.  and She Went.  and it didn't work, so she Came Back.  But Going is still in her mind.  

So, i have had a reprieve.

and although Julie didn't mean it to be this at all,  it has been quite Great.

Will it be a Leaving?

or a Went?

or, even a

Staying?

 

 

 

 

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15 responses to “Julie’s Good Question 4”

  1. Nance Avatar
    Nance

    Maybe a just going which includes all three….

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  2. grace Avatar
    grace

    oh
    sigh

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  3. Laura R Avatar
    Laura R

    Go is a great verb. As are: is are was were am be and been! You are an inspiration.
    More later, my great new friend!

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  4. jude Avatar
    jude

    story always has another chapter.

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  5. patricia Avatar
    patricia

    your description of the incubation. the seemingly fallow time when on the surface things seemed one way, yet below–the seed ripening ’til shooting forth exploratory roots. shooting forth to the light. this is wonderful. no doubt in my mind that so many of us reading can really identify with that. and upon reflection, how it seemed that certain actions were so impulsive yet in fact were driven by a much deeper though less visible foundation. this helps me in ways you may never know. because there have events in my own life that to others seemed totally unfathomable. the leavings. the about faces. the seeming suddenness of it all. and i think part of me always felt that my reactions had been, perhaps, knee jerk. but no. not now. this post has helped lift some very thick veil and the clarity it’s providing is invaluable. and the theme of listening comes up once more. because i’m certain that if i put my ear to the ground of my being, i will hear new seeds moving, opening, sending forth tendrils–and it is this listening to which i am committed. for this and so much more i say thank you.

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  6. KAMFreeman Avatar
    KAMFreeman

    Grace…the words, the thoughts, the going, the staying, the leaving, the being… all speak to me as I think on and write about the seed in my journal today. The seed lies fallow in the earth, time there differs with who the seed comes from, just how it is made up….and if we were to dig into the earth to look at seeds a while after planting, some would still look exactly the same as the day we put them into the earth, others would be pushing forth their process of new life. Each seed becoming in its own time, when it is ready and yet, all the while within that seed is everything needed for each step in the journey it foretells…so much so is that process of our lives if we can truly be with the being and going and leaving and staying…that wind of change comes and we either lift our wings to rest in the thermals of life and flow to where ever it is to take us, or we settle in the earth for a time more, staying not to be silent nor still, but staying to be…just be.
    Always my appreciation for your sharing of story…this series of glimpses into the timeline of a hertory of Grace has been a delicious opportunity to open up and look at the bits that comprise my journey…my changes, my sameness, my coming and going and being and flying and resting…thank you for all of this…so much ink flows now to the page in words and thoughts and sketches.
    As you are with the process now, allowing for the winds to be lifting you along whatever path becomes the one for today…my delight in the oneness of friendship’s words and thoughts. Namaste

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  7. Saskia Van Herwaarden Avatar
    Saskia Van Herwaarden

    all of it
    so your daughter came to live near you? and is now thinking about moving away?
    phew your country is so big; I mean in Holland you’re at most a three hour drive apart….but we’re not used to the long distances so that feels like a long way away
    I’m tired, my thoughts are muddled, will have to come back later as in tomorrow after work (ugh! sigh) and re-read all that has been said here, good night and much love sasx

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  8. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    friend

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  9. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    yes. it’s a given.

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  10. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    all that you say above. YES.
    and in doing all this thinking, i never cared what others
    thought…kind of just disregarded…
    and it is also TRUE that i was so FULL of myself. but then
    as i write that i think, well…how else could someone have been?????
    and now as i am looking at all this here, i see how the parts of that oh so FULL SELF that were worth keeping have
    Seeped
    seeped out and merged with my presence Within Space. and
    i think it’s very much OK. OK.

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  11. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    Kristin…i love here that you talk about Timing. how
    it is different for different things, in different seasons, in different conditions within Season
    i just LOVE this a LOT.
    i love being a part of your life

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  12. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    this comment of yours brought an interesting thought. YES.
    she came almost immediately. brought her babies. so
    she and i could continue on. isn’t that interesting? i’d
    not thought of this before really, but she came and did
    exactly what i was so angry at her for not doing THERE that
    gave so much energy to my LEAVING. she GOT REAL and
    took control of her life as a mother of two children. as a Woman.
    so…interesting here, is….What if she had somehow chosen to do that before i LEFT? Would that have changed my
    LEAVING?
    and i think honestly, most likely yes. i would NOT have
    left. it was beyond painful to leave that baby daughter
    of hers. Her, i could say…ok. but the baby…ah. so
    hard.

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  13. Laura R Avatar
    Laura R

    Oh, Grace, so much love still, and respect. It’s good to have the connection.

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  14. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    yes it is.

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  15. mimmin Avatar
    mimmin

    every creature has its rightful place
    and in its rightful place, it becomes beautiful
    grey owl

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