but it's true. Monday again.
so when i got home from work…more Kantha. and took off all the scraps to make it easier….now, in this evening, looking at it naked, pretty much…..
i love this point. when you can still take away and put back. when you still don't know. when it's all still in Question….
some of the tomato plants have outgrown the Window. they need to go OUT. take the Risk. La Chance~a, in phonetics… Things can still HAPPEN. April 9th last year there was HAIL. but…when you outgrow your window, you just outgrow your window. so…ok. tomorrow. Out.
lilac
the second incident. it was exactly a week ago that Sunny Ray and Gideon had an altercation. Gideon ended up knocked over and was struggling to right himself and Sunny Ray standing over him, confused. it was about pellets. so i put in another tub. my theory had been that if they eat from the same tub they will be kinder. maybe not. and when that happened i came away from it thinking ….I CAN'T DO THIS. but then, it all settled and was peacefull again. and that moment of I CAN"T faded quickly. late this afternoon, pellet time again, there was screaming. terrible screaming. i ran. little Nogal was on the ground, Sunny Ray again standing over him…his single dangerous scur pressed…and he had somehow gotten hooked on little Nogal's front leg and couldn't extricate his scur horn and Nogal was just lying there, totally Caught. Neither of them had a clue. but by the time i got the gate unhooked and ran in, Nogal was free and lying down behind the Airstream with that look that goats get….when they just Don't Know What to Do and i pulled him to me and held him, trying to feel his leg. But finally left him. because it was all too much and i went inside the house and thought…What Can I DO?….and the answer was ….Nothing. so i took the mantra beads off the wall and went through them…Om Mani Peme Hung…may all beings be free from suffering and i continued on the Kantha and after a while when things were breathing again i went back out and there was Nogal, all ok. Sunny Ray, all his same just 2 1/2 year old self, not having a clue. and so this was the Second time that my immediate response was I CAN'T DO THIS
and i looked at this
can you see the brown dry morning glory vine…? …. so this is ME, who can't even manage to pull off morning glory vines. who finds it almost so impossible to "thin" small seedlings in the garden…because HOW DO YOU CHOOSE?, which ones to "go", which ones to live and here i am with all these GOATS and their complex lives….and in those moments i think I CANNOT DO THIS but then, i do and maybe that's exactly what i am supposed to be doing, living with ambiguity, living with so much i can't control and
Just Going 
does anyone know…Is this Woad? i had planted some in the small garden bed with Patricia's marigolds and Deb Lacativa's zinnias…and the marigolds swept over everything…fierce….but here is this one plant. i wonder. Woad?
windthread 
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