windthread

recent posts

about

witnessing

IMG_0222f

i went to a funeral this morning in St. Louis, Missouri, USA  via this computer screen.  Sat.  Drinking tea.   Watching.  Listening.   My beingness drawn to the face of the mother.   

i went then to my Monday work and did that,  came home,  fed Goats,  fed dogs.  Gave water.

all along i thought that no matter anything else,  What kind of people would let the body of an eighteen year old child lie in the middle of a street for over 4 hours?.   Would not let the mother of that eighteen year old child come to him,  hold him in the first hours of his death.

if nothing else,   i want an answer,  a Real answer to this.   How do "they" legitimize this?  In all cultures,  all societies spanning the globe,  death is honored in certain ways.  Only in War do bodies lie in the  heat of the sun.  Only in war.

Posted in

59 responses to “witnessing”

  1. LAB Avatar
    LAB

    Really, what child? He was an aggressor on a very small man. Not a license to kill, but food for thought…

    Like

    Reply
  2. grace Avatar
    grace

    well…hey, LAB….
    hey and who are you? wanna Tell? aggressor? a small man?with a
    badge of authority and a
    gun?
    tell me. How is this food? How does this feed anything? and size,
    i thought that guns were the equalizer? how does being a BIG child
    make it more possible? Have you had an 18 year old child? Brought
    that child to that point of being 18 years?
    i don’t know you. so am wondering. but i appreciate that you
    showed up. another part of the witnessing for me. but i would need you to say more….to know how we can talk.

    Like

    Reply
  3. LAB Avatar
    LAB

    Yes, I have had two sons & would be delusional to say they were big children @ 18.. They were men who could vote & go to war in Afghanistan. So, did you watch this HUGE man push around the very small store employee?

    Like

    Reply
  4. grace Avatar
    grace

    i did. and i am sad to see that. What set up that sadness that day?
    Why did he do that? i thought, seeing that…what is this. How is
    it that there seems to be such Timing of events.
    and it would have been perfectly appropriate for that police man to have stopped the 2 boys and held them, with his GUN until other
    police with even more GUNS came and take them to the jail and charge
    them with petty theft, and whatever else.
    a short while ago i was in the check out at the grocery store here and there was a very beautiful young woman and she called me by name as she rung up my stuff and i had to really think, but then i knew who she was and how she had been a real hellion around here and had been arrested for such a similar crime as this boy, Michael Brown, and then i knew also from GOSSIP that she was deep into drugs and then i didn’t hear any more for years until here she was checking me out and smiling at me and calling me by name and we both were in that single moment knowing so much but also being so GLAD for so much. If you are not DEAD you can switch things around. If you are DEAD…well….maybe you can too…i think so, but who really knows. My bottom line is DEAD is too much.

    Like

    Reply
  5. LAB Avatar
    LAB

    Life is about choices & we all make ours. I was not there, nor were you. What would we have done given the violent circumstances of the events. You & I will never know. How can we JUDGE when we were not there for the events involved? We can only look on from our SAFE havens. I would not give anything to be a policeman today. How’s that judgement going for you from your safe armchair? Works pretty well for those who JUDGE, but were not involved. Put yourself out there & become a police”person” & then give me your judgement. How would you have felt being pushed around, like the store employee, by that “boy”?

    Like

    Reply
  6. grace Avatar
    grace

    you come back. This is good. OK.
    My daughter says that a lot. Choices. I never had to say that
    in the days with my kids. They were what they were, but it was never
    life threatening. Just their LIVES. not threatened.
    so…OK.
    Let me think.
    I would not be a policeman/woman today either. Nor would i be a school teacher. Both those professions are beyond me. and yes.
    you are RIGHT. Safe Havens. i think of this often and it pulls at me. my Safe Haven. Right now, i am writing this from my Safe Haven. Nothin going on out there. Goats are fed and content. Dogs in/out happy. Cat sleeping somewhere. The Plant People have Enough. Safe Haven.
    so…lets look at that image, then, Safe Haven. Lets look at that.
    maybe what i have, to compare to the store employee, is those kids.
    one of which really isn’t a kid, but a young man, maybe i have them to compare a LITTLE with them shooting their BB guns into my SPACE at my BIRDS, they said…they were only shooting at my birds, they said. and well…my Birds. who i watch constantly, but who
    are just Above the Goats…sitting ducks, really. If you feel the need to shoot moving objects, anything will do. Birds. Goats.
    Anyway…
    But i YELLED at them. i used words i wish i hadn’t, but i did.
    but i was full of a sense of the unfairness of GUNS, even BB guns.
    What can a Goat do? What can a kind of old woman DO, but yell?
    So i yelled. I said
    GO HOME
    shoot your own birds.
    This is all i have to compare. But really, LAB, i am gratefull
    that you have shown up. Thank you. and Love to you and love to
    your sons who laid their lives on the line.

    Like

    Reply
  7. grace Avatar
    grace

    ok, LAB. it’s been an hour and i’ve waited. I’d planned on spending that time Out There with the Goats, hanging around with them…talking to them, humming, touching. But i waited for you.
    oh well.
    i hope you come back. i do. I hope you come back and we can continue the exchange, because for me, it’s all i have. so it is important to me.
    Love,

    Like

    Reply
  8. grace Avatar
    grace

    i am going to sleep. But a question, LAB, ….What brought you
    here? What brought you here in the First Place? I really don’t
    quite understand the whole of the computer stuff. How did you
    find this small place of windthread?, this Wondering here? How did you come here? This is very very interesting to me

    Like

    Reply
  9. Jan Avatar
    Jan

    witnessing with you, grace

    Like

    Reply
  10. Micael Avatar
    Micael

    Me too. May the light shine within you and around you, Grace. And may Kali have your back.

    Like

    Reply
  11. ² Avatar
    ²

    war on the frontline
    war on the streets
    war between people
    war in our own head
    dead
    be killed
    beïng allone
    beïng ambraced
    by someone
    by mind
    killing a spider
    because i’m afraid of them
    a wasp because i’m afraid of the stick
    a ….. because i’m afraid
    a snail
    because they eat my vegetables
    dead…. killing
    young …. old
    i’ll think about it
    ( the survival instinct deep in me
    survival wath ??? )
    witnessing each other

    Like

    Reply
  12. Mo Crow Avatar
    Mo Crow

    white light

    Like

    Reply
  13. Michelle in NYC Avatar
    Michelle in NYC

    Woah.
    Loss is an emotional thing, personal loss is very emotional thing.
    keep in mind the huge event this situation became, and the media build up to it, and also that it has come to stand for a long history of black/white racism in particular, and human rights in particular, and all the conflicts over power, and people vs police for a hundred plus years. By the time this funeral took place the event basket was full to overflow. Pull back and get some perspective on your personal feelings you who share here.
    1. Review all the facts and speculations, and especially review the time line from the convenience store incident through to the highway incident where the shooting took place. review evidence and eye witness reports. And remember to wait. Hold back and consider calmly. http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-28924099
    2. I truly feel that anyone who visits here aught to be identifiable. My own settings say the blog can be commented on by anyone with an email address.
    3. To all who come here respectfully, and to she who shares her feelings and thoughts, I send love, support and the powers of discernment. When I write for myself or respond to others I consider my motives and make choices. We all do. I have feelings about the situation being discussed, and the larger issues that it points to, and I know my own personal history in this regard, and the history of my country. But I am no scholar, or political theorist. I know that the Browns no longer belong to just themselves, that their son no longer belongs to them even in death. This I mourn in sympathy with them as they become the names that others use.
    4. Take it easy all. Take it slow. Detach just enough to not become just another flapping voice on the band wagon of what is beyond us here at this ‘Windthread’ place–way beyond. When you speak of feelings, just own them and let go. Let go.
    5. Love each other.
    6. (I sent this to Jude and now copy paste it here)
    I looked in my heart while the wild swans went over.
    And what did I see I had not seen before?
    Only a question less or a question more;
    Nothing to match the flight of wild birds flying.
    Tiresome heart, forever living and dying,
    House without air, I leave you and lock your door.
    Wild swans, come over the town, come over
    The town again, trailing your legs and crying!
    (Wild Swans by Edna St. Vincent Millay)

    Like

    Reply
  14. Michelle in NYC Avatar
    Michelle in NYC

    And–Oh!–to those red RED hollyhocks–for how they are so unabashedly themselves–LIVING, fulfilling the promise of their seed–innocently, unknowingly, coincidentally brightening my life, I send my thanks.

    Like

    Reply
  15. Patricia Avatar
    Patricia

    whoa is right. this exchange–these exchanges–so polarized.
    grace, i don’t see you sitting in the luxury of your arm chair, judging. i see you trying to understand how this can happen. trying to understand cause and effect. yes, this “big” kid pushed a littler guy but apparently the police office didn’t know that and anyway, do we now kill for pushing? how one can lead to the other i don’t know.
    all of the actions that lead up to that moment–an accelerated trajectory. is that karma? is this all about karma. is karma cause and effect? and if it is, all of the players begin with the core participants in Ferguson and ripple out to the rest of us– we’re all participating in this, one way or another.
    and i think it’s clear the role each of us choose to play. i hope LAB comes back. i want to understand that position more. if i can.

    Like

    Reply
  16. Patricia Avatar
    Patricia

    and i’t thinking about fear…and wondering if fear and the possession of firearms might be a horrible combination.

    Like

    Reply
  17. Cynthia Avatar
    Cynthia

    oh grace..just back from woman’s herbal conference..and of course. well .this was such an unexpected post response..i am still processing the past few days..and cannot quite form an answer to contain the thoughts that are forming. the feelings that emerged…so slowly..i will be back later…but much love and
    and calm places to take your heart..and always gratitude for what you provide here..blessed be grace and gentle day

    Like

    Reply
  18. beth Avatar
    beth

    I have no doubt. If you have a hammer everything begins to look like a nail.

    Like

    Reply
  19. beth Avatar
    beth

    I’m just going to follow the “do not add” maxim for now. But I am solidly standing witness.

    Like

    Reply
  20. Saskia Van Herwaarden Avatar
    Saskia Van Herwaarden

    I’m gonna come and stand next to you (not adding, just witnessing)

    Like

    Reply
  21. Karen Avatar
    Karen

    Here too …and those holly hocks are just wonderful!!Blessings Grace.

    Like

    Reply
  22. jude Avatar
    jude

    thank you again

    Like

    Reply
  23. jude Avatar
    jude

    no words have formed.

    Like

    Reply
  24. KAMFreeman Avatar
    KAMFreeman

    grace, dear Grace….yes it is the grace of witnessing, sharing, feeling, touching and believing that all is a part of the whole. Words openly put to the page, with the freedom of spirit and heart flowing endlessly for ever so many moons…there is only our truth as we feel it and I stand with you as friend, listening to sounds that are foreign to my being and holding those foreign words and pictures in the light of all that is good, all that has heart, all that feels. Bless you sister for being open, being “transparent” as you move and explore the wonders of the earth and all of the inhabitants thereon…yes, holding you in the light. Kristin

    Like

    Reply
  25. KAMFreeman Avatar
    KAMFreeman

    LAB…in the words of all faith keepers, of all faiths, we are all but children…literally and figuratively…yes we are children.

    Like

    Reply
  26. Michelle in NYC Avatar
    Michelle in NYC

    had to jump back in—made me laugh–sounds so like an ancient precept or something Mark Twain might have said :->

    Like

    Reply
  27. handstories Avatar
    handstories

    wow. well. I love this place & I love all of the differents kinds of grace within you, & I love you, grace.

    Like

    Reply
  28. grace Avatar
    grace

    that is very very important. Thank you for bringing it
    here…to lay on that table in the middle of us…thank you,
    Kristen

    Like

    Reply
  29. grace Avatar
    grace

    we need to. i feel your presence.

    Like

    Reply
  30. grace Avatar
    grace

    yes. and may Light Shine Upon Us All….
    and Kali dance.

    Like

    Reply
  31. grace Avatar
    grace

    this is BeautyFull, your words, Maria….we have that
    reflex
    reflex
    to kill what we fear.
    and the question you pose…survival instinct….
    survival What????
    witnessing each other…this is what it will take.
    Love to you…

    Like

    Reply
  32. grace Avatar
    grace

    a Bubble of it

    Like

    Reply
  33. grace Avatar
    grace

    just own them and let them go.
    maybe we are making a clumsy effort to do that.

    Like

    Reply
  34. grace Avatar
    grace

    important to Thank the Flower People

    Like

    Reply
  35. grace Avatar
    grace

    i can’t speak to the karma of it. i am too dumb for that.
    but i do know there are personal karmic obligations and
    then much larger ones…Archetypal ones….It’s the Time. I sense that but know nothing of worth.

    Like

    Reply
  36. grace Avatar
    grace

    it is. that i am sure of.

    Like

    Reply
  37. grace Avatar
    grace

    yes.

    Like

    Reply
  38. grace Avatar
    grace

    stay in the herbs. Stay there. This is where you are
    needed now. Tell of the herbs when you can.

    Like

    Reply
  39. grace Avatar
    grace

    you are a solid woman.

    Like

    Reply
  40. grace Avatar
    grace

    i love the image your words gave me…All of Us, standing
    not yet in any kind of Circle, but standing around,
    watching and feeling and how great that is. and LAB too
    who has the courage to speak her own truth and as i write that, i think, funny, i assume LAB is woman…maybe not?
    and how interesting is that? if it is that “she” is woman then i am softer. If she would be a man, i would ask
    HEY….how is it that you come into my home here? Interesting. Very.

    Like

    Reply
  41. grace Avatar
    grace

    Flowers always Bless one and all, one and All.

    Like

    Reply
  42. grace Avatar
    grace

    ok

    Like

    Reply
  43. grace Avatar
    grace

    We All live here. We all live Together. How do we not
    agree, yet manage to Allow the Life of All Things?????
    A BIG challenge.

    Like

    Reply
  44. grace Avatar
    grace

    we all have Grace within us. I am sure of that. Look at
    any baby.
    and I love you, Cindy.

    Like

    Reply
  45. Mo Crow Avatar
    Mo Crow

    lots of bubbles of light bouncing around shining & illuminating in even the darkest corners

    Like

    Reply
  46. beth Avatar
    beth

    Actually… paraphrasing Abraham Maslow…

    Like

    Reply
  47. grace Avatar
    grace

    i will think of it as “Beth said….”. I know you. Don’t
    know Abraham Maslow.

    Like

    Reply
  48. LAB Avatar
    LAB

    I found you through Jude’s blog. I don’t know how I found Jude. The art draws me, the impressive creativity, the goats, the dog (so like an amazing one who shared our life while living on the Navajo reservation years ago), the fabric & stitching, the garden and yard, the peek into a simple, gracious everyday life, but alas, not the controversy.

    Like

    Reply
  49. grace Avatar
    grace

    o!!!!,,,eeee…you are BACK! oh HooRay., you are back!!!!
    But, LAB, what are we supposed to do with the “controversy”?????
    we don’t need to address this now. We can first find common ground. the art. the dogs. the Space. that. your experience on the Rez. Simplicity of Every day.
    First the common ground. We ALL have common ground. This
    i am SURE of.
    Really. I just got the biggest GRIN, the happiest feeling that you came back. Welcome, to this place, where i really don’t know much of anything, but am lost
    in the wanting us to be KIND to one another, if we can.
    However we can.
    Blah Blah but, really. I am so glad you came back.
    OK. so tell me. Tell me about that dog. The dog here continues to be a force to be reckoned with. She is HER
    SELF. Very much and i am trying to understand Her more, even than my own comotion about her. Tell me, then, about your dog.
    Thank You. Thank You deeply from my Heart.

    Like

    Reply
  50. grace Avatar
    grace

    ok. it’ gonna have to be tomorrow. i am crapping out.
    Tired. a BiG day. Tomorrow, then.
    Thanks

    Like

    Reply
  51. LAB Avatar
    LAB

    I agree, we do all have common ground, which is probably how we can negotiate our controversy.
    The dog found us shortly after we moved to the Navajo reservation. He wandered into the yard of our single wide trailer, all ribs and tucked tail. I was still young and sure I could save the world, and knew I could save him. Luckily, my husband was supportive of feeding him and taking him in. He suggested naming him Rudy Giannatti, not sure how that name popped up, but it stuck. Rudy looked like your dog in coloring and size. He was a stray that was shunned by the Navajo because they said he had a bad spirit. Their fear of him seemed to be based on his coloring and bright amber eyes. I only saw that he had a gentle, but independent spirit. He was a proud dog despite his mistreatment and starvation. He was very intelligent and knew his own mind. He was aloof, remained on the periphery of our life. He and I bonded with each other and he became my committed companion. I walked everywhere and when I went in a building or store, he would wait patiently outside for me. There was another dog in the area that was vicious and would charge people all snarling and snapping teeth. He always defended me against that dog.
    We had a busy house with two toddlers, two dogs and a cat. Rudy would stay outside in the yard, or quietly slip in the house when I’d leave the door open for him. He got along well with our dogs and cat, but not in a playful manner, more of respectful coexistence. He was gentle with our sons, but I seemed to be his main focus. He was quiet, rarely barked.
    When he had been with us about a week and was showing trust, I decided it was time to give him a bath as he was battling fleas.
    I put a collar and leash on him to handle him for the bath. I put him in a tub of warm water to begin the bath and I have never heard any creature scream such a heart wrenching scream in all of my life. It was the most unearthly sound I have ever heard. You would have thought I was disemboweling him alive. He didn’t fight me or try to bite, his sides just heaved as he screamed. That was the end of that bath. I took off the collar and leash and in future, brushing and flea power were the only solution I could humanely use.
    Thankfully, he had a forgiving nature and we learned what worked and didn’t work with each other.
    Rudy was truly one of a kind. I have never experienced another dog like him before or since.
    When you talked of your dog and I saw her coloring, she reminded me of Rudy. Perhaps, as you suggested, they are closer to their “wild dog” ancestors than most domesticated dogs.
    I look forward to continuing to read your posts.

    Like

    Reply
  52. Dana Avatar
    Dana

    This is an amazing thread that lights my heart. Having been clear about your feelings around the events in St. Louis, Grace, you were confronted by LAB who has a different view and different feelings. Although the underlying issues are huge, long-term societal problems loaded with history and emotion, you were able to defuse your natural defensiveness enough to welcome LAB’s comments. She was brave to offer her initial dissent, but you made it possible for her to come back and engage with you in a real, personal way. Even if agreement about Michael Brown et al is never reached, a connection was forged here where there might easily have been only rancor. This is how we must all learn to behave, rather than shouting at each other from behind walls of righteousness. You are truly well-named, Grace. Thank you.

    Like

    Reply
  53. grace Avatar
    grace

    Dana…i am learning so much from this. It could not be more
    beautiful to me, the exchange, and i am trying to find words
    for it, the learning, the feelings flowing from the learning.
    I will say it directly to LAB, but will just say now that
    i deeply respect her for Standing and speaking and Staying and
    the willingness to keep just going. It’s the Best. just the Best.

    Like

    Reply
  54. hermosa-beth Avatar
    hermosa-beth

    I thought there were other (unknown) reasons why I am pulled to your blog Grace. This dialog is it. This realness is it. The way you show up in Life is it. I quietly witness your everyday practice of showing and expressing your Life to all us named and un-named watchers. You are Beautiful. Everyone here is Beautiful. Being real is complicated and it takes patience to unfold. This is most amazing. may all be well.
    hermosa

    Like

    Reply
  55. LAB Avatar
    LAB

    And do children bully men 1/3 their size?

    Like

    Reply
  56. grace Avatar
    grace

    i have a thought about this but i will leave it to
    Kristen since it is addressed to her…

    Like

    Reply
  57. grace Avatar
    grace

    reading this, i thought about Story. About how Story tells so much more than Thoughts Expressed Formally. Some
    nore talk about story over at Spirit Cloth today and i think.
    How much more i feel like i know about you from this story you tell me about Rudy Giannatti than from your thoughts
    expressed about Michael Brown. Really, it feels like a
    second you. Two You’s. The Thought Form you and the Story you. and i have to assume that it is the same of Me. The Thought Form Me and the Story Me. ok.
    and i know something too, of your husband, that he had/has an imagination. I know that those two sons of yours grew up some on the Rez, which is unique in itself, i wonder how that “formed” who they came to be. I remembered the time i spent on the Hopi land, the dogs there. I know exactly who Rudy was, except for his Spirit, by my time there….how dogs live in a world of their own deep in the Reservations….in their own and ON their own. The fleas. I picked up a young dog along the road in 4 Corners and was instantly innundated with fleas as was my then dog Lucy. I took her to the only vet there
    leaving her, the stray, asking them to de flea her because none of the small stores had flea stuff, and left a message for them to wait till i came back on Monday for her, it was a Saturday. When i came back on Monday for her they had put her down. How it is sometimes. But writing this i get the same sinking feeling i had at the time. And then you describe Rudy’s scream. So i know you know Scream. I know this about you for sure.
    All this to say that maybe, over some time, we can find more of who we are through story. OR maybe NOT. But,
    for sure, i will find more about who i am by the Story that is rising up between us. What will the story BE?,
    i wonder? We will find out, yes?
    and just a last thought…sometimes i think i am more like my wild ancestors than most domesticated women. i have this live and let live thing. if i don’t need to eat you, i won’t kill you.

    Like

    Reply
  58. LAB Avatar
    LAB

    Yes, I do know how it is sometimes…
    The other story is of the stray puppy that also came to me on the res. The one that I could not save, despite my youthful good intentions. She was completely hairless with mange. The vet said it was time to put her down. I really could not believe that there was nothing I could do. That was the first time I realized that I could not save the world…

    Like

    Reply
  59. grace Avatar
    grace

    youthful good intentions.
    i don’t have any way to know where you are on the CURVE
    but i am on the downside of the curve, i am on the OLD
    side of it and soon to be on the tipping side of Down
    Saving the World.
    i won’t be able to have what it takes to save even much at all. Sometimes i wonder if i will have what it takes to go the distance with what i live with here. But Who Knows?, so i just Go as i have learned from hanging around with Jude. Just Going.
    but i have old lady good intentions. Stuff i’ve lived through. old lady good intentions. They won’t save anything but they are what i carry in my bag.

    Like

    Reply

Leave a comment