windthread

Maybe it was that the 3 women who usually play and sing on Music Thursday weren't there… Shirley who plays mandolin and sings old celtic and Appalachian melodies,  always straining a little and breathless a little (she wears a nasal canula often, not all the time),  Beth who is a BeeKeeper and has hair like Judes and plays guitar/bass and tambourine,  then Mary who plays the ….Slinkey…..yes, a slinkey that she holds in both hands and has learned to do tricks with…pretty amazing, really, and she also is a modest back up dancer to it all.  Anyway, they weren't there so somehow that caused  us in the audience  to feel like we could sing  along Loud…usually we tone down.   So there was me and Alz. B and two other ladies singing.  kinda loud  and i watched two of the gentlemen residents softly mouthing some of the words…no sound coming out,  but they knew the words and  i guess because they were missing half of themselves,  the 3 guys played some of the usual songs but one of them who is relatively new to the group did  Crosby  Stills Nash and Young and the other guy who reminds me of my son did some Johnny Cash and Als B was in the mood so we "danced"  in the way she and i do …..we are sitting next to eachother,  her in her oversized wheelchair thingy, me on a diningroom chair  holding hands, all four and rising and falling and swaying our arms  as we dance in our minds and sometimes i'll say   Spin me, Betty!  and we'll let go one hand and i'll lift  one of hers and mine up over my head in a circular motion and yesterday that made her laugh twice.

So it began that way and when i got back home,  SUN was just doing something that only happens in August and EVERYTHING was standing out from EVERYTHING ELSE and yet there was such UNISON of BEINGNESS.  and Tay was FLYING.  Sometimes she does that,  she runs  at high speed,  i can say in figure eights,  but not really,  figure somethings,  a pattern that she knows well and can accomplish deftly at very high speed and this includes sailing high over wood pile and clump grasses that are right now around 4 ft tall and into the Albatros and out,  all the while carrying her elk antler that is about 2 1/2 ft long and i realized that i really wasn't watching her directly,  but that she has somehow come to just blend in to the whole scene out there and this made me realize too that she really hasn't changed her behaviors a Whole lot from the craziness of the beginning, but rather it's that i have just gotten used to her and they no longer surprise me. 

And the buck Goats were ALL  practicing their Love Language and it sounded like some kind of zoo  and i came in for a little while and got on my Hundertwasser bracelet that Maria  ( 2)  made for me because it was really such a Hundertwasser kind of Day and i thought about the 5 Skins

 

Then into the house and she was in one of her moods where she goes from one thing to another, kind of non stop…and i tell her to stop so she does in that moment but just moves on to the next thing…these things are poking at Chinche,  sitting ON Chinche,  poking Tazmeena who was lying on a chair cushion,  poking me.  Around and around and around stopping for the second she's told to but continuing really and i was noticing how again Deft she is at poking with her nose…just hard enough but so Care Fully,  not too hard and how even when she runs in the house,  she never runs into anything or disturbs anything as in knocking it over.   Her control over herSelf is really astounding.  And yes,  that would be agility and consentration of herding breed.  But there's something else too, with her.  Somethings she just keeps on keeping on doing tho she knows i'll tell her NO!,  she Chooses to continue doing day after day ….and here it is….Chooses to continue doing because i think she really doesn't agree with me that they are problem behaviors.  She really doesn't see them that way.  Even tho she knows i do.   And to be fair,  there are several things that she has done Once and then never again…like taking one of my shoes.   Or sticking her head around the shower curtain when i'm in there.  She WANTS to do these things but doesn't.  Because i guess she thinks it's fair that i don't want her to.  

But back to yesterday,  at one point she began playing with Chinche's food bowl that's always on the kitchen floor,  is a relatively small ceramic bowl and she was manipulating it around the floor with her feet,  like playing soccer with it and then holding it with her feet and gnawing it, just a little,  just to make a sound that she seemed to be enjoying  and kept it up when told to Cut it Out.  And finally i just YELLED at her,  REALLY REALLY LOUD     STOP ITTTTT!  STOP EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!,  NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!   and she did.  and layed down her head pressed to the floor.   And then from in the Living Room i could feel her "pulling my attention"…she  was at their water bowl,  a large glass bowl and she put her paw on the rim and tipped it slowly  over and an entire bowlfull of water flowed all directions over the floor and she 

looked at me,  so surprised and really with  such a human look of oh shit,  i really did it now and i just stood there looking at her from a distance and did not say a word than sat down on the rocking chair my back to her and she very softly came around and sat in front of me very very close and stared into my face which was even with her face and just stared into my face stared into my mind and then went back to look at the little streams of water still flowing across the floor

and then she went outside and layed down under the Apricot Tree which she never does by herself, only with Chinche or if i am out Side too….and she stayed there for a couple hours all while i was working on the Grass  coming in every now and again to look at me from the door way but i was not willing to look at her yet.   So i didn't.  and i didn't for most of the evening till the end  when  i finally did but still wouldn't speak to her or touch her.  Which she accepted too as Fair.  

and  i read that poetry in the book of Grasses which always totally does me in, those words, so beautiful to me   and i realized how i feel so Helplessly Open sometimes and how her staring into my face heightens that feeling of not being able to find a Filter that will ease the intensity of what i'm seeing