And it might feel like that for a while, i'm thinking. Just later of the Same Day. This Day might last a while. Like be elastic, stretching on. For a While. There is so much. First, the Death. Death. Here one minute, gone the next. Just that sudden. Like Jude says, Poof. I actually said that to her when i first got there last night, she and i in their "Chapel" just one of the rooms they set aside for such moments, and i sat in there next to her, stroking her hair as i did a lot, and i said that. Hey, Betty,
Poof.
I had been there, earlier in the day because i had been forgetting to bring her new pants and socks and i had remembered and thought, OK, no time like the Present, and drove into town to Walmart, the only place we have here for such things, and got her 5 new of those pajama kind of bottoms the kids wear which are the best for her and then took a long time picking out socks. Took an index card with her name on it and my stapler with me and left the bags in the Nursing Station to give to the woman who puts name labels on clothing…the iron on kind….on Monday, which is tomorrow. I hung around with her for a while. She was mumbling as usual, a kind of constant string of pretty much syllables, not many words, really, but i gave her a glass of cranberry juice and cheered her on to " Just Chug it!" until there was that gurgling sound at the bottom of the straw and she did. She got to the gurgling sound. She was her new usual self. How she's been for months now. Nothing remarkable.
They, the night staff, had done her regularly scheduled catheter change some where in the night, nothing remarkable there either. She was feisty and pinched Travis, the much loved CNA, certified nursing assistant, as she often does. He's a big guy so there's a lot of surface to pinch. Her pinches leave marks. sometimes draw blood. Anyway…nothing unusual. and then, the next time Travis did rounds, within the hour, she was gone. She shared a room with 3 other women, one being Virginia who i've mentioned before who i love, who would have known if there'd been any kind of struggle and have called the nursing staff. So i think she just died in her sleep. Or died in some quiet state. She just died. This is a mystery. How suddenly, it's the moment. And you let go. How prior to that moment, you are as fully Engaged with Life as you can be. But then,
you are not.
So her son got there, who i have acknowledged to him that i think of him as a brother sort of person, and we waited till the funeral home person came and placed her on the guerny and followed them to the Funeral home. Some paperwork. Then her son and i decided to just walk.
it was so peacefull. Nothing going on at all in Socorro New Mexico at 3 something A.M. not a single vehicle. And we walked all our "trails" that we had walked with her over the years before she ended up in the Old Folks Joint. We told stories. We went to her house which is a couple blocks away from the Funeral Home. and stood outside. because it's rented now. and we talked about her Rose Bushes. We talked about stuff about her that was good and stuff about her that was not so great, but so totally her. And it was almost dawn when we were done.
Up until just recently, Alz. B. was 3 times a week. She started with every other week, cleaning her house and doing gardening for and with her 12 years ago. Then became more and more. Till 3 times a week at the Old Folks Home and then because of my request, twice a week.
Betty and i had a little of a contentious friendship from the beginning. Lots of "debate". Betty was, in my opinion, a snob. I didn't mind saying that to her. And one of the examples of that was her constant harping at me for being a "cleaning lady", when my intelligence and education were "beyond" that. I would point out to her that i made the most money for the least amount of time being a cleaning lady. And that was my reasoning. I wanted as much Freedom as i could glean. I could have worked 8 hours a day at Community Mental Health or cleaned her house and hang out with her, which her son paid for, for 2 hours and end up with the same amount of cash. But she would say "where's your Pride?' So things like that. We would argue a point and then later in the day she would call on phone to see if i was mad at her. No. never mad at her. Just standing my ground.
But that whole chapter of my life is over now. 12 years. So many days a week but constant Awareness and Thought.
And according to the Understanding i accept as Real, she is working her way through the Bardo.
So, I remain with her for that.
and i fooled with these so random scraps on this piece of cloth off and on all day. Stitched those very few stitches, really nothing much at all but they felt so good, the needle going in and out
and this is what this all will mean to me in the not too distant future…Time. This will be the LEAST amount of TIME i have ever worked. I will have FIVE DAYS of being able to stay here. Stay HOME. FIVE DAYS. I am going to be 69 years old this year. It's about TIME. Don't we
think?
and as to the silent/not This is the place where i am the most of who/what i am. This blog. There are people in my everyday world, children who are in my Life but from a distance. This is the place i am most Myself. Me. grace. and ALL the comments here, are from my family of sisters. That is REAL. and i wouldn't trade that for anything. for Anything. I KNOW you, those of whom i have met through this cloth stuff. I know you like family. Like sisters. and in many ways, Better than sisters. I do not filter here. This is it. Boring or not. It's what IS.
and i am very very grateful to it all. It's kind of Amazing, really,….Yes? Yes. Yes it is.
Love,
windthread 
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