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a day

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this is it for today.  It was work away at the Old Cowboy's who knows  that Alz B has died and knows that i have now  "free time".   When i said i was ready to go, he said  
"what's the hurry?  Where are you going?"   I said

"home".

He said  "What's going on there?"

I needed to breathe through that one.  Innocent on his part,  but really,  in a way, a fair question.  Not a lot of people think there's anything much going on here.

So i came home in that mode and worked at getting the far back pen de-weeded of the 6ft tall pig weed and got the pallets ready to receive this load of grass hay then went and got it and brought it home and unloaded.  

What's going on here?  ,  Well…….

 

 

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22 responses to “a day”

  1. Michelle in NYC Avatar
    Michelle in NYC

    wooohooo laughed out loud when he asked the question….reaaaaaaaaly, folks got no idea sometimes….whew that WAS FUNNY….poor old guy, stumbling in to ms. non-stop effort….she who has to be reminded to sit on the porch and just be…(when possible). I’m still smiling.
    Just checked back to yesterday and adore the new elements in the cloth.
    By the way my trip is changed from tomorrow the 8th to the 21st. So “August” will have to be patient in New York City a while longer. She is looking forward to a change of scene, and some new eyes to show herself to.

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  2. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    well…what to say about it all? He doesn’t think much at all about Goats.
    He is beef cattle. And then, he doesn’t think much about much. So why
    did i feel everything in me drain out the bottom of my feet?
    i could have a lot to say about what MATTERS and what doesn’t MATTER in this
    world. About WHO matters and who DOESN”T matter in this world and what it IS
    that makes somethings MATTER and something NOT matter
    but i am just going to go to sleep and dream the crazy dreams and get up
    tomorrow and
    Just Go.
    Maybe in the next life

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  3. jude Avatar
    jude

    ha

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  4. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    yeah, really. ha. Ha says it.

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  5. Nanette Avatar
    Nanette

    My ex’s mother would do that, a sharp “why, what for” when I told her I was off home…the same odd feeling of thinking I had to explain somehow that my life at home was valid. Until I got over it and would just say “it’s time”
    I’ve just returned home from travels, and Grace, I have a couple of snippets of fabric I found along the way that I’d love to share with you ….just email me with your address if you’d like them.

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  6. Patricia Avatar
    Patricia

    all of this unfolding of inner response. the need to take a deep breath and let the question settle. the inclination/ability to look at the question. “why? where are you going?”
    and the inclination to look inside and identify the source of the response. this post is clarifying for my un-tethered feelings from yesterday. why the need to justify, i’m wondering? and i see pretty clearly that this “need” comes from some amorphous attachment to xternal eresponse. so. again. another stuck place of attachment surfacing.
    i’m really sleep deprived. this comment may make absolutely no sense. non sense. but i think i see something here that’s important.

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  7. Marti Avatar
    Marti

    I don’t know why you felt the drain, you know OCB and how he is but still, you are human and the comment stung but then you went home and did what needed doing, presented the “wart” of the day to us here, while doing what needed doing.
    You’ve mentioned this before, why anyone would get your simple life and I know that you know this but I’m gonna put it here again:
    You have a life that is rooted in caring, love, understanding, generosity and nurturing: you give your all to those who have been put in your care- human and animal, plant, etc. You can do no less for yours is a huge heart with a deep consciousness and concern for all living things. You also dig deep into your well spring of creativity and move beyond to put on cloth, this life of yours, this simple, rich life that gives all of us, so much in so many ways. You bring all of this to this place in cyber-land and in so doing, we have become enriched for in your “simple” life, we find nuggets of wisdom and similarity that connect…
    In other words, you share and show what matters and within all of that is this one simple fact: You are a treasure in our lives and THIS is what MATTERS most*

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  8. ² Avatar
    ²

    Marti i’m agree with your words and toughts

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  9. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    Marti, i know you love me. And i know i love Just Going.
    and sometimes it drains out and i make no effort to deny that
    draining out. Just is. Sometimes helps me to say it “aloud”,
    hear myself and then
    go.
    and also, maybe, it’s somewhat of a cautionary thing…i have
    heard similar things recently…the “now that you have so much
    time” thing….

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  10. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    Nanette…was just over at your house and i CANNOT wait to
    listen to the stories of your travels…CANNOT WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!
    xoxoxo

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  11. beth Avatar
    beth

    Loneliness and wanting/needing someone else to Fill that place for you… I don’t know that feeling and I hope I never do.

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  12. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    it’s up to each of us to “do the homework” as we go.
    i’ve worked for him for 19 years. He has ignored knowing
    anything really, of who i might be, aside from She who does things
    for him. So…here we still are. But now i still just want
    to go home. and won’t stay. And i guess it doesn’t keep him
    from trying and doesn’t keep me from going.

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  13. Mo Crow Avatar
    Mo Crow

    the Full Blood Moon Eclipse in Aries, The Ram

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  14. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    we all have stuck places. taking responsibility for them
    is part of the work of the Long Haul.

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  15. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    YES YES YES
    how we are so tuned in without knowing….
    that scrap of cloth
    Cynthia said eclipse
    Liz said Moonbow
    and now you say Aries, the Ram Blood Moon
    and i have been being “pushed” to doing Buck work for some days now,
    today being THE DAY to do it rather than THINK about needing to do it….

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  16. Liz Avatar
    Liz

    I worked for so many years for people who didn’t “get it” … it can be soul-sucking. So please know that you give much happiness to those of us who do get it and read your blog to share in that which you value (convoluted phrasing, but that’s how it came out)
    Peace

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  17. Joan@CopperCreekers Avatar
    Joan@CopperCreekers

    what marti said
    Big Love and (((HUGS))) Grace

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  18. handstories Avatar
    handstories

    plenty.
    or more than words can say.
    or enough.
    or…

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  19. Michelle in NYC Avatar
    Michelle in NYC

    Forget the next life…..in THIS one, we, the humans of planet earth, raised by the other humans of same, are HUMAN beings being human, which is to say, all of us have these IMPRINTS (Freeman in the Introduction to the Tibetan Book of the Dead, called them Karmas). They are the dust we dust off the mirror when we meditate, the dust of all that stuff we might also call ‘the shadow’….so, it’s like–the ‘imprint’ doesn’t just dissolve, it recedes, becomes less dominant as the origin of our actions. The ‘shadow’ is dormant until something, some event, some scenario, presents it an opportunity to gain back it’s dominance. Any way…I think that’s what happened with the old cowboy…his ignorance presented your shadow with that opportunity. it’s a marker of the strength of all your years of practicing that you didn’t respond, didn’t feed it. you felt it, acknowledged it, and went on with just going. Happens to me all the time….and sometimes I slip…so I just feed the meditation more and correct back to balanced. They say we should be grateful for these opportunities that challenge our practice…they show us where the weak parts of our cloth are, and ‘practice’ is like the needle and thread we use to repair ourselves.

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  20. grace Avatar
    grace

    this is really so beautifully put, Michelle….skillfully put.
    Yes.
    and sometimes it’s all just to not FEED it. yes.
    it’s the frustration of just year after year after year
    of CHOOSING to misUnderstand, or worse to me really, needing/wanting
    to maintain a verbal misunderstanding, even if you have “gotten it”
    …but to keep repeating the same same things.
    He is not dumb. if he were, it wouldn’t hook me.
    He chooses, for whatever reason of his own to repeat certain
    exchanges and and although i respond less and less, ………
    You are right. opportunity for Practice.
    At this point in time there’s no way i can just walk away. He’s
    too much a wreck. It’s that Long Haul thing. Deep breath/Long
    Exhale.
    Thank you for these words, love

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  21. Michelle in NYC Avatar
    Michelle in NYC

    He may not be ‘dumb’ but he IS IGNORANT and it’s too late to do anything about it but to recognize it. In my fertile imagination when i meet such folks on the road of life, I am silently writing the dialogue down and concocting Monty python like responses to shock them out of their cages…an enlightened one would certainly do something shocking and brilliant because they are dedicated to destroying delusion, and skillful at it too. But, when we need to stay in a situation with one of these ones, it can be like water dripping on a rock….I think until we are at the point where their delusions no longer activate our delusion we are stuck with the ‘lesson plan’. Right up till the day she left town, for example, I was always ‘hoping’ that Emily Leonard (church garden lady) would appreciate me for what I really am…so I suffered. Some bit of something like a compliment would lull me into my delusion and every time, the next event would be a soul crushing slam. She was a master of the trap, though I doubt she viewed it as such. If she perceived me ready to walk away, she’d shift approach, sometimes even apologize! But it never changed anything. The last insult was the best…after dedicating an entire month helping her get her apartment cleared out and packed for the move to assisted living…on the last night, when I was so exhausted i could bearly stand…she told me that her pearls had been missing and it was either Devi (her maid) or me….!!!!#@!@AURGH…..I said I knew Devi was a religious Hindu and would NEVER, AND that I would rather be dead than steal. What I didn’t say was that her grown son, who was dependent on her money, and had stayed there during a time around when she discovered the missing pearls might have taken them. Anyway…having completely eviscerated my balloon of false-ego hope…she left. Later she emailed an apology, and thanks for being a good friend over the years. Done. The ignorant are our teachers too. The confusion comes in when they are also a bit sadistic. That trap he lays for you is one of HIS games. It makes him feel better to know he can get your goat (Freudian pun). his suffering is momentarily relieved when he feels like he has some power, but the real need is never addressed. The need to be loved is too hard to bear, and the grief and loneliness too dangerous for him to allow. It’s terribly sad really. In fact I just got really sad thinking about him. it occurs to me that your anger might just be a reaction to your grief. it’s sad and you don’t want to be sad. I love you Grace.

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  22. grace Avatar
    grace

    it’s ok Michelle. It’s nothing new. and maybe that’s what
    wears me out.

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