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no need to Romantisize

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a journal entry from Their First Winter here,  2012   I notice the little Goat has 5 legs,  the old lizard woman has two tails.  

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from last night,   Their 3rd Winter here.  11/25/2014

More words later,  maybe.   Want to say something about my Conflicted Selves.

OK…HERE IT IS ,  "LATER",   and i have been thinking about all this all day while Just Going,   and

I  want to say that i really don't like bringing any inner turmoil here.  I try not to.  There is no good to it because it almost always passes in a day, even.  But soon.   Here tho i have a kind of chronic conflict…..the Urge to participate in my immediate community and the Urge to remain very solitary.    I think all this rose up because of Betty's Memorial.   There were maybe a hundred people there,  most of whom i knew.   And when i thought about all of them,  this Community,  where i live,  i could see so many ways that i was NOT participating.  There's no good to mulling through all that in any detail,  but just to say I DON'T.   And then the little things rose up about Community and gave me Pause.  Why don't I?   Things might be Easier,  there might be More if i did.   And i had to take some time to think about that.   That the reason why things are how they  are is because of my Choice.   That Choice to remain solitary and really,  hidden in a certain way.  

Well,  this is not working out very well,  this writing about things.  So i am just going to make a cross reference on the rolodex under K for known and H for hidden.  That will do for now.

And i haven't responded to comments very well in a little while,  so tomorrow i really want to go back and do that.  Tomorrow.

 

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39 responses to “no need to Romantisize”

  1. Dana Avatar
    Dana

    Sometimes looking back is a good way to see forward. Could the extra limbs be unacknowledged resources?

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  2. jude Avatar
    jude

    the fifth limb is a bit of design mending,

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  3. Mo Crow Avatar
    Mo Crow

    love those rectangular pupils !

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  4. Jan Avatar
    Jan

    owl. . . .recalling the owls as message carriers in the harry potter books. . . .your drawings are evocative and true, grace. . . . .

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  5. handstories Avatar
    handstories

    your recent sketch is full of volumes and volumes.

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  6. grace Avatar
    grace

    a wonderFULL thought, but i think just Mistakes in how it felt

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  7. grace Avatar
    grace

    all the better for Just Going

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  8. grace Avatar
    grace

    GOAT

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  9. grace Avatar
    grace

    owl…interesting….there’s been an OWL calling these nights.

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  10. grace Avatar
    grace

    i like it. it needs HORNS.

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  11. Deb G Avatar
    Deb G

    Two tails for balance. And two (or more) tales… It’s good to file things every once in awhile.

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  12. Mo Crow Avatar
    Mo Crow

    is there any other animal with those rectangular pupils besides goats?

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  13. Saskia Van Herwaarden Avatar
    Saskia Van Herwaarden

    there are several thoughts/feelings I recognise here
    first: how fleeting a thought and/or feeling can be: up one minute, down the next (I often blame hormones)
    second: wanting to be Solitary AND the desire to participate, because I tell self I want to share, it is a basic need within….and how badly I do that on a local scale, I do more sharing in my blog community than in real life, but I am remedying that as of late…will report on my findings (haha)
    third: I’m sorry I do go on about myself here, to continue: as I have an office job besides all the stuff at home, I am in fact participating in a small part of society (the outside world as I like to call it) at least three days a week; I have discovered not only do I enjoy taking part in a small way in other peoples’ lives, I learn….learn beyond what I could have hoped for or imagined
    conclusion: am afraid I have none, i.e. nothing definite, but thank you for this exercise!

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  14. julie Avatar
    julie

    Either/or ….or AND?

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  15. jude Avatar
    jude

    I know this. this conflicted self, i am this. solitary. even though the man is here. he is too. but not like me. yes, i share and have this online community, but in the real physical world, i am not present among people. in a connected way you might call social. in a real way. i am not good at that. but then i do believe there is a balance in that. i am a part of it, maybe just a kind of glue the kind you can’t see, holding the rest of it from falling apart. one of the layers. part of the cloth. an invisible stitch perhaps. at this point, happier with that after all these years, even more of that. i can see the beauty in that. in your solitary usefulness.

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  16. beth Avatar
    beth

    I understand this too.

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  17. Marti Avatar
    Marti

    I think many of us feel this pull of being outgoing and being an introvert. The need for both solitary times and participatory times has always been strong in me and I am fortunate in that my husband is the same. I am a woman who seeks solitude as well as a woman who seeks out events of interest and who loves going to fairs, fiestas, feeling equally at home dancing with and among total strangers as I do curled up at home in my comfy chair with a good book or quietly experimenting with my dye cauldrons in my back yard.
    Those of you who have read grace’s blog for a while know that prior to moving to New Mexico, my husband and I roamed about this country for over 11 years. Moving into communities where we knew no one was a real challenge for me and sometimes, communities were welcoming and sometimes it took a lot to feel a part of a place. During those times, being a solitary woman helped.
    Someone who knew both myself and grace said that when I moved to New Mexico, well we would be together all of the time. We both had to laugh at that because I can count on the fingers of one hand, the number of times that grace and I have actually been together since we moved her over a year and a half ago; it suits us,getting together once in a great while.
    The question though that has arisen for me now that I know that unless something unforeseen happens, here is where we will stay is this: will my need for solitude change and my need to feel a part of the local community rise to the forefront? Many volunteer opportunities exist here in many areas that interest me. It will be interesting to see how this will play out in the coming years because I do like feeling a part of something that is more than myself. Feeling part of something is why I engage in commenting on blogs that interest me, even though I have no interest in blogging at this time. And there is a perfect example of outgoing and introvert!!!

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  18. Liz Avatar
    Liz

    But this blog community IS real … all the more precious because we know each other across vast expanses that would otherwise be unbridgeable.
    And being solitary … this is something to be treasured, even though the extroverted world at large may not value it.

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  19. Dana Avatar
    Dana

    These opposites are always in play; everybody needs to find the balance point between their inner and outer selves, but sometimes that point changes. I’ve been sensing a change coming for you Grace, although I can’t know just what kind. I think you are getting ready to expand in some way.

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  20. ² Avatar
    ²

    looking back O.K.
    but staying there is looking for problems
    because we are changed in that time
    isn’t it ?

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  21. grace Avatar
    grace

    maria, YES! YES…this is a very interesting way of
    putting it. looking for problems….ahhhhhh, and hmmmmmmm.
    Thank you for this combination of words…..

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  22. ² Avatar
    ²

    aren’t we not a bit the same people
    those who come on this blog relationship
    extravert / introvert
    ill understand all of the reaction of
    this moment here
    and recognize myself in it

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  23. linda morris Avatar
    linda morris

    and me as well

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  24. Mary Avatar
    Mary

    I would like being invisible stitch…strong to hold things together but no one notices me.

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  25. Cynthia Avatar
    Cynthia

    will write more ..thoughts of community swirling around..ut at least wanted to say how totally grateful and thankful and simply happy i am for the community you have created..and kept and grown so wonderfully here..it means more than you can ever know..gentle day

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  26. grace Avatar
    grace

    am finding out…i think ungulates

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  27. grace Avatar
    grace

    i love how they are when they are just spontaneous in comparison to
    when i “try”…so different

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  28. grace Avatar
    grace

    two tails, yes.

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  29. grace Avatar
    grace

    Saskia, you are still at a point in your life when it is very FULL,
    and there is less a SPACE for this wondering i can now do because i do not have family in my every day. It’s not time for you yet. It will come tho

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  30. grace Avatar
    grace

    have been thinking about “and”….it’s the day after Thanksgiving

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  31. grace Avatar
    grace

    Solitary usefulness, i am looking at this very looong. Thinking.
    My problem is that i AM good at it. I can GO into it and be
    but i need to come back to the Solitary Space soon. I can go Out
    for short times and do well. But the older i get, the more i
    long to come back and remain.

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  32. grace Avatar
    grace

    yes, i know you do

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  33. grace Avatar
    grace

    i know this of you, too

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  34. grace Avatar
    grace

    i am seeing this as a time of evaluating for you too. I can
    see changes in your future, maybe. I will watch and learn.

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  35. grace Avatar
    grace

    it’s wanting to GIVE something of Value to the world around me.
    Wanting to GIVE

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  36. grace Avatar
    grace

    Dana…i don’t know. but something is afoot

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  37. grace Avatar
    grace

    we look, always, to recognize ourselves in OutThere

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  38. grace Avatar
    grace

    the community to which you now belong can tell Us
    SO MUCH

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  39. Michelle in NYC Avatar
    Michelle in NYC

    having just returned to my solitary Queendom three flights up from the lives of others (many) where I join myself in for a time (many times over many decades) and happy to be solitary again. I have the same sort of divided self. I jump in to others lives, can be very social when I do, but must have the solitary back…the nest, the roost, the rooms and wish there was more sky to it. Well, my friend up in Massachusetts would also prefer to just be within her small space and perhaps we find our way to this duality of being…if we are fortunate. I am not quite a joiner but do join in. I like the space near the exit, the always path to departure, retreat. I like my cake and eating it too. I manage mostly.

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