windthread

recent posts

about

conflicted

so i woke up in the middle of the night and deleted yesterday's post.   stayed up quite a while thinking.  i miss staying up during the night in these cold months…it's not all that comfortable but i sometimes need the darkness and the silence of the world.

and i went back to sleep for a while,  waking to find self pretty much just as conflicted.   What is a real and useful response to this world Out There?  What is worth writing here?  Stuff is not pretty and lovely.  Is it being complicit by not mentioning things?  By staying with the NICE?  

and i googled the word complicit and the example given for use of the word was:

"Chokehold victim complicit in his own death by being overweight, in poor health and a nuisance…"

IMG_1366ff

 

IMG_1395g

a couple of the pics from yesterday.

EVENING NOW, barely and it's so so dark……………

So i thought about it all and really,  this blog is like another room of my house.  I live here too.  So it's just how it is.  Sometimes there is grief.  Wendy of Grace and Mending emailed because of the disappeared post  and said she had read …..despair…before it disappeared and i thought yes.  Despair.  yes.  that is the correct word.  

The reason i deleted it in the middle of the night is really,  that i didn't say all that there was to say.  As usual,  i wanted to be lazy about it and in this particular case,  that won't do.  It is not enough.  So until i'm ready to speak about how it feels to me in a way that honors the grief,  the despair,  i will just sit with it.   Like Milarepa,  invite the deamons to tea.  

IMG_1396

very early this morning

IMG_1401f

a wierd tweaking because it is so dark in the Room at not even 5 oclock tonight…you couldn't see…that i am filling in the kantha,  beginning at the bottom.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in

45 responses to “conflicted”

  1. Dana Avatar
    Dana

    I am holding you in my heart.

    Like

    Reply
  2. patriciaspangler47@gmail.com Avatar
    patriciaspangler47@gmail.com

    speaking for myself–although i bet others concur–i don’t come here for “nice.” i come here for REAL. and that’s just what i find every time i open windthread. nice and pretty are overrated as far as i’m concerned. still, i think i understand part of what you’re questioning–what to say, what to edit, what to include or overlook? and clearly, there’s no way you–or any of us–could paint the entire picture in its entirety. but i love the snippets you focus upon, the beauty and the warts–i love the earthiness and rust–i love the rawness along with the exquisite turn of a phrase. and i love walking with you, marveling at the thoughts you conjure–there’s such magic here, Grace. please don’t muck with it!

    Like

    Reply
  3. Marti Avatar
    Marti

    In total agreement here with Patricia, could have practically written these exact words myself and I have many times about the REAL of what windthread gives us. Come on grace, you don’t do NICE, you do honest, real sharing of the life you have chosen and you did choose it, hard as it is, amazing as it is, worthwhile as it is…and we learn.
    To me there was no need to delete your post of Dec. 5th, you needed to write what you wrote, you needed to share it because in this place, we come together when it seems that the world, to quote a phrase, “is too much with us.” What can we do in the face of this relentless hurt? One of the things we can do is to tell it, tell it from how we see it, how it makes us feel, share it: I will repeat here the quote that was in my comment from Martin Luther King to your Dec. 5th post:
    Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”
    ― Martin Luther King Jr., I Have a Dream: Writings and Speeches That Changed the World

    Like

    Reply
  4. Michelle in NYC Avatar
    Michelle in NYC

    …I got to that F-it post too late–but this remnant remains “that’s crude, isn’t it. yes it is. but at the end of this day i just feel like crying. Actually, i am crying skinny almost nothing tears cause that’s how i do, never much one for excess. i used to kiss Nogal on the mouth when he was a baby….” and I want to know the more…but don’t really mind that it’s been deleted. Better to move on from those moment once they’ve been felt…slash and burn. The world can get so filthy ugly and mean sometimes, it’s hard to look away and impossible to keep staring at it. But, people have survived for millions of years despite the rough of nature, the rough of others, the rough stuff of living and dying, despite injustice, stupidity, greed and cruelty, despite the fatal flaw of hubris. There is still beauty, truth, gentleness, simplicity, love, generosity and kindness. Worth looking over in that field for balance. it’s a danger to get sucked in to the void, the black hole, the bad news, and a challenge to resist that.

    Like

    Reply
  5. Deb G Avatar
    Deb G

    I want to say that you may not share the “all” in your life or of your thoughts, but I don’t consider what you share to just be the “nice.” I see real life, in it’s smallness. I think that smallness is what we need to share to change our world. We need to share, this is who I am as a human being. This is what matters to me as an individual. We need to share the beauty too. We need places to rest. I think we are complicit when we don’t question ourselves, our believes.

    Like

    Reply
  6. Mo Crow Avatar
    Mo Crow

    I love watching the subtle changes in the cloth!

    Like

    Reply
  7. jude Avatar
    jude

    I suppose you just write or say what you want people to hear. based on what you have to say and what the blog is to you. and what you want it to be for others. maybe the conflicted sense goes beyond the blog.

    Like

    Reply
  8. Jan Avatar
    Jan

    I understand the writing of the crudeness of it. . .as well as the screaming and crying of that. and I also understand editing it afterwords. Putting it out for your ‘first responders’ and then not wanting to hold onto the fire of those words. choosing to turn off their power yourself. over the past few years I have written, privately in my journals, in order to honor what I was feeling. to do something with the energy of that.
    and in more recent time, as I have gone back and literally burned those pages, it doesn’t erase or invalidate those feelings. . .but it does allow me to choose what I present to the world. to track the process of healing and moving on. I see it as being in dialogue with ourselves. . .with your self. love to you grace. . .

    Like

    Reply
  9. Mo Crow Avatar
    Mo Crow

    I just googled chokehold victim and saw the video footage of this murder… I don’t have a television or read newspapers, this is a deeply shocking violation.

    Like

    Reply
  10. kathy dorfer Avatar
    kathy dorfer

    i come because you speak to me … i am in your corner .
    maybe our path is different but the feelings are close to mine.
    thank you for your being you .
    xxoo

    Like

    Reply
  11. sparrow Avatar
    sparrow

    you pinned a piece of fabric on the evolving cloth, you lived with it a bit, and then you un-pinned it…?

    Like

    Reply
  12. sparrow Avatar
    sparrow

    thank you so much, grace, for your consistently evocative blog-cloth. the fact you share your process is invaluable

    Like

    Reply
  13. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    i nod. Thank You.

    Like

    Reply
  14. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    i smiled. “don’t muck with it”. don’t muck with it. hmmmmm.

    Like

    Reply
  15. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    as i said above…i was being lazy. I need to quit that.
    i did need to delete it. it was, in its own way, disrespectful.
    love to you…

    Like

    Reply
  16. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    yes. survived. but i’m still imagining Evolved.
    and sucked into the void?….no, but back to the Pinkola Estes
    paraphrase: to Stand and Face What You Know.

    Like

    Reply
  17. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    Watching Democracy Now yesterday for the first time in a while,
    and seeing for the first time the Video of his last moments alive,
    i was just stricken. I think there are many places to just rest,
    to look at beauty. And that is as it should be. But yesterday,
    there was a deep sadness here. and again, i didn’t honor it.
    that was the problem.

    Like

    Reply
  18. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    yes. the conflicted sense goes Everywhere here in the country i
    live in. it’s all over the place.
    and more and more, i don’t write what i Want the blog to be, i
    just say stuff. I just say the stuff that is stuff of the day
    as it occurred. It’s for no one in particular that i would
    pick and choose…just a reporting of the happenings here in the
    land under this sky. I guess just telling this story.

    Like

    Reply
  19. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    what i present to the world. i am thinking about that. i think
    i might have too much concern about that. the world can say yes or say no.
    i receive your love and send back

    Like

    Reply
  20. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    yes, Mo. and it’s not a single instance. it is shocking.

    Like

    Reply
  21. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    and you, kathy, for being you……..
    i touch the Crow Eye

    Like

    Reply
  22. jude Avatar
    jude

    and she stitches herself in

    Like

    Reply
  23. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    oh, dear Sparrow, you, no…i deleted a whole post in the middle
    of the night. Those that were still up caught it. A whole post.
    it’s the first time i’ve done that

    Like

    Reply
  24. jude Avatar
    jude

    and that’s what you make it. that is what i meant.

    Like

    Reply
  25. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    sharing process. sharing process.
    sharing
    process.

    Like

    Reply
  26. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    yup.
    you taught me Kantha. i never knew it before. Now it holds
    so much together

    Like

    Reply
  27. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    Love,

    Like

    Reply
  28. .cynthia Avatar
    .cynthia

    i realize that there is little humor in these events..and much going back and forth in thought..but oh i am smiling at least a little bit because i woke up in the night with a bad dream..and read the 12/5 post and was thinking about it and fell asleep..and then it was gone..and strangely enough it did not occur to me that you had deleted it..so i wrote briefly that i had lost it…and never checked back..
    it has been a slippery snow filled day and only now did i sit down and discover what had happened..and i don’t know why this strikes me as funny..that i could somehow lose or imagine ..or simply dream..it was a bad yuck dream that woke me up…anyway dream such a post..but all day that is how i felt..and to come back now and find such a simple and obvious answer….deleted..i feel ridiculous..but on the other hand i am smiling at the absurdity..
    because i do come here for real..

    Like

    Reply
  29. Deb G Avatar
    Deb G

    Yes I saw that last night. Sending you a big hug Grace…

    Like

    Reply
  30. grace Avatar
    grace

    it’s making its way toward where it needs to be

    Like

    Reply
  31. grace Avatar
    grace

    there is ALWAYS HUMOR, always….and i love how this went for you
    and reading it now, for me, i think about it. I knew it would
    be weird to delete but it seemed the only thing to do at 2 something A.M.
    and i love so much your response…it give me a strong sense of
    Just Going, no matter the mess of it. We Just Go., don’t we.
    Yup.

    Like

    Reply
  32. KAMFreeman Avatar
    KAMFreeman

    Grace..every day I read and appreciate your words, your presentation of the world where you live and beyond, before and behind times… always there are thoughts that stir something within….often I write some of those feelings in the journal with times writings and sometime those thoughts, words find themselves taking space in a work of prose or poetry…and whether rough or smooth, starchy or or soft, happy or sad, always there is something for me to think on..and Always I know that your writing flows from your life as sit is lived and I appreciate being able to sit in circle with you and hear your words…and how much appreciation I have for the photos of space, and the photos of stitches and cloth…truly love the woman who is getting kantha….and the sky is something of such breathtaking beauty, thank you for that. Written, read by many, taken down…all part of the journey….and on the life goes in all facets sparkle and shine with their own light. Appreciation for your open sharing on your blog…..Kristin

    Like

    Reply
  33. handstories Avatar
    handstories

    well, I missed the boat/post, so now I’ll imagine, & the prompt to imagine is a gift, just like the sharing of you and your world is- whatever it is looking like to you at any moment.
    and she, that you are stitching, is so very grand.

    Like

    Reply
  34. Michelle in NYC Avatar
    Michelle in NYC

    You know I didn’t mean ignore the dark side, only that a visit to the light side is a wise balance (assuming there is a light side)

    Like

    Reply
  35. grace Avatar
    grace

    i realize now what you are saying here…and yes i did…
    pin then unpin. No way to See, but look , is there….
    xo

    Like

    Reply
  36. grace Avatar
    grace

    light and dark, always. and yes, i know your meaning….
    sometimes tho it seems right to just sit still for a while

    Like

    Reply
  37. grace Avatar
    grace

    and thank you for sitting in the circle…it’s been many years now,
    hasn’t it.

    Like

    Reply
  38. grace Avatar
    grace

    it was an ok boat to miss.

    Like

    Reply
  39. KAMFreeman Avatar
    KAMFreeman

    Oh yes dear friend, it has gone past the ten year mark… and there is always something new to consider, always a voice that sings the song of just going with whatever comes and reaching out and exploring the unknown as well. If we looked back at those beginning we never spoke nor wrote the word goat, for example, and now, well it is a piece of the reality and every day. Many smiles as I remember so much, song long is the story of being present to one another. Thank you for ever so much.

    Like

    Reply
  40. beth Avatar
    beth

    (((Grace))) I have been flitting in and out–just not much time to sit with things lately. I didn’t see the deleted post but I think I can sense the gist of it. I love you and trust you, want to hear what is in your heart and see what your eyes see. So when you are ready the youmeus will be here.

    Like

    Reply
  41. Liz Avatar
    Liz

    I’m glad I was able to read it when you posted and I’m glad you followed your own heart’s truth and took it down. There are too few “do overs” in life, so when it feels right to take something back, to reconsider and reshape what needs to be said, then that is a good thing.
    Which reminds me of something I heard on NPR about PEN America’s First Editions/Second Thoughts … 75 books reconsidered and annotated by their authors http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2014/11/06/style/tmagazine/first-editions-second-thoughts.html

    Like

    Reply
  42. Liz Avatar
    Liz

    My comment just got eaten alive by the cyber-gremlins, so I’m trying again. I think I said that I was glad to have read your post before you took it down, but equally glad that you followed your heart’s truth in doing so. There aren’t enough “do-over” opportunities in life, so we should seize them when it seems right to.
    I also mentioned the PEN America collection “First Editions/Second Thoughts” … 75 books reconsidered and annotated by their authors … http://pen-auction.org/

    Like

    Reply
  43. Liz Avatar
    Liz

    Oh good grief … an echo

    Like

    Reply
  44. Michelle in NYC Avatar
    Michelle in NYC

    before I move on to the next post, I want to share this article from the Atlantic with you Grace-It’s calling for truth and reconciliation process for this country–“As a civil rights trial lawyer, I’ve spent much of my professional life protecting people from racial discrimination. In my early twenties, I devoted myself to organizing an international movement to defend my sister, Angela Davis, from politically motivated capital murder charges aimed at silencing her calls for racial and social justice.”-http://www.yesmagazine.org/peace-justice/this-country-needs-a-truth-and-reconciliation-process-on-violence-against-african-americans

    Like

    Reply
  45. Michelle in NYC Avatar
    Michelle in NYC

    sorry–from YES not the Atlantic.

    Like

    Reply

Leave a comment