by the time i got Out this morning, the snow, which had been Pure and Untouched looked like this. This is a witnessing of what Tay's mornings are like.
the Raft
and i know that people in other parts of the world have SNOW, still…this is south central Rio Grande Valley, New Mexico. wha.
i woke at about 2 something a.m. and the fire was out. Though i knew i shouldn't, i looked Out Side and saw the world illuminated by a moving veil of falling snow. So i twisted newspapers and started the fire again and looked Out more. Just standing there looking. I could see that it was falling in a direct slant from the North East. This meant directly to the un covered part of Gideon and Sunny Ray's rudimentary shelter. I alternated between tending the fire and Looking Out.
I thought about the dream i'd been having where i am trying to get my mother's attention about my concern to do laundry, about needing to go to the laundromat, but she is ignoring me, as if she can't even hear me, see me. And i am going on and on when suddenly i realize there is a washer and dryer There, right there in the house and i could do my laundry there, and i am happily telling her this as she continues to totally ignore me, not be aware that i am telling her this good discovery and then suddenly there are these two men, one totally shadowy and in the background but the other a kind of Mickey Rourke kind of guy although i can't see his face clearly, but there is that sleazy kind of crazy and maybe dangerous quality to his friendliness and he tells me he is taking my mother for a few days "vacation" to Cypress (?) and he takes hold of her arm and she is moving off with him as if she is anesthesized and i'm trying to say this is not ok but my voice only has sound Inside myself, not Outside. So they go out of the house and this is my old house from my other life in Ann Arbor, Michigan…same house…and they are getting into the car in the driveway when suddenly Mickey Rourke's friend brings my neighbor Margie's 11 year old grandson to the door who has a very large piece of luggage on wheels and says he is staying with me while they're gone and i am protesting and put my hand out against the boy when he bites me…has a very round small mouth with sharp pointed teeth and he bites my index finger. And then the scene changes, must be some time later, and Adrian, the neighbor kid and i are coming down the street toward the house, exact same house i used to live in, and it's snowing and windy and i am carrying a Very Large metal pizza pan and the wind is catching it making it hard to control it and my self and i see that there are some things in the street, the very very snowy street, lit by the street lamp on the corner, and realize they are stuffed animals, medium size, and i wonder about this but go inside then look out to see motorists slowing, being confused by them, stopping, getting out and checking them out then just going on. This happens a few times. This is when i woke up to find the fire out and the snow falling. And i wish i could say that i found the snow globe scene OutSide beautiful but i did not. There just was this sense of anxiety for the Goats, particularly SunnyRay and Gideon that was maybe a 5 on a scale of 1-10….which is my kind of mean for anxiety when i experience it. So i took this 3 component cloth off the wall and got an already threaded needle and invisible stitched it all together. I will say that i am still a little lost and preoccupied in the New Years thoughts of child wound, of shame, of my different sense of all of it as the person i am in this Here and Now. I am working with this. It's work. Back to doing the ReView , but of Everything now.
And because i agreed with self that i cannot begin a cloth until i finish those Windows, and because there was no way i could paint the primer today with Tay spending a lot of the day inside, i just looked at things. I think this is ok and maybe even good.
i have folders of these scraps of image torn from magazines and catalogs. I like them because looking at them like a slide show sometimes frees an image of my own…just the colors and shapes…
scraps on the wall
this was in the torn page folder
so, i'm Somewhere. And everyone made it through the night and through the late morning of dumping snow from the feed bowls, breaking the ice. We made it. We were startled and unsure, but SUN DID RISE, strong and warm and some of it has melted away. Tomorrow i will need to shovel away what's there from around Gideon's small shelter. And try to find someone who i can hire to drag in the FreeCycle solid wood doors to add to the existing structure. "They" say that February this year will be FULL of Weather. I don't want to repeat last night.
windthread 
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