i wish i could make some things in Neon.

It was an odd day.  The day itself was very Beauty Full and Excellent but i was going along in an unusual space for me,  i was wishing i had someone to Talk to.    I don't know why.  Ordinarily i am so Glad that i don't need to talk.   But today…there was the urge to Talk…to say stuff,  with my voice,  to hear my own voice,  listen for those places where it "cracks" because something of importance is being said.  And i

thought about Who i might Talk to and realized as my Granddaughter has pointed out now and then,

i just want a clone of mySelf.  And,  i  guess this is true.  If i really wanted just someone to talk to,  i could pull that off relatively easily.  But that's not it.  I want someone to talk to about the specific things i want to talk about.  and that gets tricky.  So the day kind of went along with this theme.  And i kept looking at it.  Closely.  Thinking about just what would i want to TELL,  if there were a clone here.  I stitched.

IMG_2599fff

 

IMG_2600ff

both these are darker than they really are,  but i do this in hope that if you double click you might see the oh so small stitches that are Holding Place.  I think it's working.  and the sense of satisfaction in putting them here is immense.

And then…the cause for Celebration.  I'd tried to get hold of Travis, the young Certified Nursing Assistant, CNA from the old folks home,  tried to get him on the phone and left a couple messages.  And he called.  He called AFTER  having gone to the Old Cowboy's and HELPING HIM WITH A SHOWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    he called and it was DONE.  he said that they had a great time and everything was OK and that OCB needs a cover for his toilet seat to sit on when he comes out of the shower and that they need some Eucerine Lotion for his skin that is in pretty ify shape and that  instead of going every OTHER week as i had imagined,  it would make more sense for him to go EVERY MONDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  oh YAY and beyond…………YES!  He will go every monday and shower and shave the old guy's head and set the scene for whatever is to come.  He EVEN will trim his toe nails!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!  Trim his toe nails, which had me covering my face….oh!  It can't get more great than this.  It really Can't.

and so we are just going.   This is what is so much HUGE goodness for now.  And good and dear Old Cowboy said to him that this is the easy part,  that it's going to get ugly.  Oh Hooray for Old Cowboy to be able to say this.  And he LIKES Travis,  as i knew he would.  And Travis is so used to people so much more lost than the OCB that he seems like a piece of cake.  

So Here we Go.  I have a partner.  Between the two of us,  i am confident we can do whatever is on that Horizon.  We can Do It.   o.    just o and o so so great!

 

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26 responses to “a Day for Celebration”

  1. Tina Avatar
    Tina

    So wonderfully great…I get it! We are at the very end of my husband’s mothers life journey and without the help of the wonderful hospice workers things could and would be so scary and so much more difficult. Sounds like OCB is going to help you and Travis…help him. Together….togetherness is what times like this need. So happy that things are falling into place for all of you!

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  2. judykeathley@cox.net Avatar
    judykeathley@cox.net

    oh dear grace–
    this makes me want to weep —
    that EXTRAORDINARY feeling of —
    i have a partner in this !
    i felt that way with my mother when hospice stepped in.
    HOSPICE !
    so radical! how can this possibly be mainstream ?
    medicare pays for it!
    but really not radical –just normal–considering death as a part of life—
    altho i remember once reading that radical means something like –to the root-
    the root, the core—
    i’m not making much sense —
    but i think i have at least an idea of what you might be experiencing ..
    maybe……
    love to you.

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  3. grace Avatar

    YES…that he is still able to Participate…this is the BEST.
    As it continues, he is able to Participate. This is a great and
    huge gift.
    Between us, we will Just Go and do what Comes, as it Comes.
    Yes.
    To you…your husband, the Old One in your world,….much love

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  4. grace Avatar

    i am thinking about how this all went before there was a thing called Hospice. How DID people deal with the old and dying? Thinking a lot about that. How they just Went. Day to day, doing what arose as
    necessary.
    in a certain way, this is how it will go for him. Just Going. Day to Day.
    but yes. this HELP in Travis. And this HELP because OCB has the MONEY to pay for the help.
    Back in the Old Days, people did not have money for help. What did they then do?
    i like looking at this stuff.
    love back, Judy

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  5. Dana Avatar

    Alone is so often the subtext of what you write about yourself and the people around you. You are able to interact with so many other forms of life, from dog to goat to grub to sunflower, that being alone for you does not necessarily translate into loneliness, but I’ll bet you would occasionally like to converse with someone atuned to your sensitivities, as opposed to chatty generalities that touch nothing you really care about.
    The Old Cowboy seems both lonely and fearful. He has chosen you over his family to accompany him to his death because he trusts you (probably on an instinctive level) and because he doesn’t want to follow the trail by himself. That unfortunately puts you in the caretaker role, which is a heavy burden to carry alone. Having Travis to help, especially with personal maintenance, must be like the sun coming out from behind the clouds. I am very happy for all three of you together, un-alone.

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  6. julie Avatar

    Ok, everybody, run don’t walk to pick up a most profound look at dying in America. Being Mortal by Atul Gawande. He explains how it used to be, how it wound up so screwed up, and what we can do…both as a nation but more importantly, as the sons and daughters and caregivers of the dying, and then as the dying ourselves, to make a transformation,
    End of commercial.

    Like

  7. Judith in N. CA Avatar
    Judith in N. CA

    this is a blessing…it’s that good karma coming back around. I think maybe we’re all grinning along with you, Old Cowboy and Travis.

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  8. Mo Crow Avatar

    Aaaarrrkkk! AAaaaarrrrrk! AAAAArrrrrrrrrkkkkkk!

    Like

  9. Michelle in NYC Avatar

    All of the above. ALL just swell. The best part, beyond the relief for you is that OCB LIKES Travis and Travis LIKES OCB. Couldn’t be better. WHAT a relief. I think about hospice care a lot. The state of health care here just now is so in flux, and I wonder (for myself to tell the truth) how it will be going forward. But, I comfort myself by sitting with the Zen care group, and, though only chaplains, they are dealing with doctors who are dealing with the issues within the health care system (http://zencare.org/), and it gives me hope an comfort.

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  10. jude Avatar

    i remember all of this. folks didn’t live as long when there were less options. Mom kept saying “this is awful, I am living too long”.

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  11. Liz Avatar

    So glad you and Old Cowboy won’t be going it alone … Travis sounds like a true helpmeet

    Like

  12. Michele Bilyeu Avatar

    Blessings to you for just big your heart is and how open to nature, your goats, all animals and those humans that you love. Your is one of my most favorite blogs of all, and you’d never guess that by who I am perceived to be and do. But there is the dimension of so many levels of self and what we do in the world and I connect with you there and you speak to me more eloquently than you could possible realize. I have done a lot of caretaking of family, my parents hands on, no help, others in care homes and I know how wondrous it is when they participate and understanding and help honor that hard process. Bless you for how you care for this cowboy and do what you do for him.

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  13. handstories Avatar

    oh, relief and breathing… and radiating in cloth.

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  14. Michelle in NYC Avatar

    Actually people lived a lot longer when there were larger families and viable communities, that is, if fortunate enough to have avoided early death by disease. Or, so I think. Our own cultural moment has so shattered communities, and scattered families, as well as making large families simply not economically possible, that huge systems have been erected by the health care systems, and aided by the Insurance Corporations, have relegated care and aid to under paid employees working for those systems….or so it seems to me. I do agree though, that if the end of life becomes so miserable as to be a burden, we aught to be enabled to help usher death in compassionately. It’s a hard subject.

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  15. jude Avatar

    statistically folks have never lived longer, in general, than now. The sense of community, support yes, down-graded.

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  16. grace Avatar

    Dana…i am so grateful to you that you see this clearly, the
    difference from alone and loneliness. There ARE acute moments
    when i am very aware of the Alone, of what it means, yes
    but it’s something i so much need too.
    there are so many things that the OCB cannot do himself and this will increase with time. and he IS lonely. but it is also as he has chosen. He did not ever develop the need to feel able to be with others, and never developed a way to feel comfort with himself. So here he is. He isn’t really fearful. Any more than any of us will be at that point in our lives, facing the Unknown. He is Ready. He does fear lingering on. What that might be like. And he MIGHT linger on. This is where my GREAT relief comes with having Travis to share that possibility with. We can do it. We can do whatever is necessary. And i am very very clear with OCB
    about all that. i never mince words. Not much of a mincer.

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  17. grace Avatar

    EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE OK!
    THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    eeeeeeeeeeeeee AND this IS SO GREAT THAT YOU OFFER THIS!!!!!!!

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  18. grace Avatar

    yES. we are so so good now.

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  19. grace Avatar

    Every day, They fly over head, every day they say this to me

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  20. grace Avatar

    yes. this is what we CAN do. Find community and you are
    extremely LUCKY to have this close to you. Extremely.

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  21. grace Avatar

    yes. OCB says Why am I still here? But…it’s not just options.
    He is still here because he has not died. His body is still Going.

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  22. grace Avatar

    i could not have dreamed up any Better. He’s Perfect. I can’t
    believe my Luck.

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  23. grace Avatar

    Michele…thank you for your words. and i love your blog…will
    go back tomorrow, LOVE the Fidget Quilt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How
    i know so much that need to fidget with fingers…Alz. B and
    so many of the residents, being really unable to DO much of
    anything, finding themselves wanting to fidget…and how it
    RELIEVED so much
    THANK YOU for coming by….Blessings BACK to you……..

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  24. grace Avatar

    Breathing. the Breathing is at the crux of it all.

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  25. saskia Avatar

    am so happy and relieved for you

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  26. grace Avatar

    yes. it is a Huge relief.
    i was finding it hard to imagine otherwise.

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