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so much.

beginning this morning early,  driving in to see what was up with OCB.  Like yesterday,  the door is still locked so i let myself in,  he is still lying on his new hospital bed.  Softly.  He is lying softly.

the Update is that after the first night,  which was Friday,  when the Night Guy came,  he told him

NO.

that was the glitch.  He told him no.  Because nowhere inside him could he feel ok with paying someone $15 per hour to be there while they both slept.  It was $180 for one 12 hour night.  So…late Saturday he called,  telling me of his decision.  The Night Guy was still there, so i talked with him too.  No hard feelings, but OCB said no.  Not.  

OK.  now what.

When i went there Sat am,  let myself in,  he was just lying there,  on the new nice hospital bed in the livingroom.  I woke him by coming in.  But he stayed still and i went to sit near and he just talked.  It was soft.  and almost otherworldly.  a softness to it.  a just Telling of things.  And so i went back,  last evening to see how things were going.  They were OK.  I went across the street to the neighbor to report that he was once again on his own.  They will continue to go over at bedtime and see that all is well.  OK

This morning i went in again.  Repeat of yesterday morning, ….just this softness.   But then i just talked to him now,  it's almost dark and there is confusion.  Which changes things things for him and changes things for me.  OK.  I'd wanted to write some other things,  but after the conversation with him,  they have fallen away.  So maybe tomorrow.  Or Not.  we'll see.  

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the cob web spider.  My ally in this EcoSystem.  he/she captures fruit flies  from the compost sieve.  You will need to double click.

 

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another Big Storm and as i stitched,  the "flower petals" on "Her" head fluttered…watching this,  how Cloth was responding to what was Happening…………

 

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so what to DO?  having been sensitized to strange storms from a while ago,  and having lucked out getting Apples?   Pie Crust.  OK.

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i don't know where my pie plate has gone but lucky,  had this aluminum one and it worked ….PIE!

 

 

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22 responses to “so much.”

  1. Michelle in NYC Avatar
    Michelle in NYC

    She continues to be so, so wonderful. I Love Her! PIE! That should help with the disappointment that OCB will not pay the all night guy. Somehow, I kind of understand. It’s really expensive, and can he actually afford it? Sad though, and for you a bit less comfort that all’s well. I spent time with Alan Watts last night on the internet….about death, for my own reasons. Thought of mailing it to you then figured you just don’t need it now that you’re dealing with the real thing via OCB. But just in case you want to see it… What’s it gonna be like, dying? To go to sleep and never, never, never wake up.
    Well, a lot of things it’s not gonna be like. It’s not going to be like being buried alive. It’s not going to be like being in the darkness forever.
    I tell you what — it’s going to be as if you never had existed at all. Not only you, but everything else as well. That just there was never anything, there’s no one to regret it — and there’s no problem.
    Well, think about that for a while — it’s kind of a weird feeling when you really think about it, when you really imagine.
    https://youtu.be/aQ5upMz0_ig
    For a closer look at his philosophy on death, and how “death and life imply each other,” here is some rare footage of Watts speaking in the 1950s:
    Parts 1 and 2
    https://youtu.be/mNd_3A3_gI8?list=PLRdF7JTQF7GlqccYKtm5F5Suy_oOCBEzY

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  2. Tina Avatar
    Tina

    Your pie looks wonderful!!! Oh my…my…my what can you not do Grace???? I was going to say “make things better for OCB” but you are doing that. I just am hoping for both your sakes that this end journey will come sooner than later…for both your sakes. But oh man…..for me I am going to close my eyes and imagine us sitting together having a piece of that AMAZING looking pie…ummmmm!!

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  3. Tina Avatar
    Tina

    Thank you Michelle….very enlightening…..I will play them again….once was not enough!!

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  4. Liz Avatar
    Liz

    The night … always dark. And the choice to let go is so much scarier then, even when it has been deliberately, thoughtfully chosen.
    The colander … twin to mine, now used for holding newly-dyed cloth until it dries. It, along with the spider, the cloth and the pie … all comforters, each in its own way. I’m glad you have each of them to fall back on, little bits of normality in the midst of everything that is swirling around OCB.
    May you go well … and be at peace when you can.

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  5. deb lacativa Avatar
    deb lacativa

    I suppose there’s no point in reminding him that there’s no cash needed where he is going. The King picks up the tab. And if he ever wanted to buy you a gift, now’s the time and you couldn’t think of anything finer than Eddie.
    Whenever I get that place in pie making where there is opportunity to do something beautiful and complex with the dough I alway think of the teeth and forks and how my working mother of four would say that plain or flawed pies/cakes tasted better than the beauty queens. Thanks mom.
    Still, yours are beautiful.

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  6. grace Avatar
    grace

    began watching a little when i first got up…will continue
    when i get back home from Work Away. It’s all grist for
    the mill and i need all of it as it moves along…Thank you
    for this..
    I’ll try to post tonight what i wanted to last night…is
    from a book that Hospice gave me the other day. They thought
    they had given it in the beginning, but hadn’t, so it’s
    even better at this point.
    xo

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  7. grace Avatar
    grace

    the pie is GOOOOOOOD. i am a bust at making cakes, but pies….
    i LOVE pies. I will visualize you sharing…
    and yes…i hope he can work through what he needs to and let go.
    AND i hope that i can learn what is so available in this
    experience so i can do a good job of it when it’s me.
    Each time it’s new Territory.

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  8. grace Avatar
    grace

    yes, i saw a while back the Twin….it’s one of my most
    loved possessions
    The spider is really funny…i can watch h/ir working snagging
    one after another…
    well..the SWIRL…i realized in a different and more whole way
    last night, in the night, that OF COURSE! this is not just
    “thinking about it”, it’s in the thick of it…
    that it SHOULD be a Swirl…nice word for it…thank you for this

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  9. grace Avatar
    grace

    yes….dear him. He was raised by very frugal people. And
    also, he feels like that money still belongs to his parents,
    really. We will keep trying to work out a way.
    Pie making is one of the few things i have from my mother.
    that and bread and butter pickles.

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  10. Mo Crow Avatar
    Mo Crow

    (((Grace))) I love the cloth waving to the wind!

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  11. beth Avatar
    beth

    The not knowing of the timing of the end is so so hard. The stamina and pacing needed. Love to you Grace. Most beautiful pie I’ve ever seen…

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  12. Marti Avatar
    Marti

    The weaving of the pie crust;the continuing weaving of your days with OCB. Both require filling…here your bounty of apples, there your bounty of caring and integrity, your commitment to see it through by his side. His to still maintain and make some decisions for himself. All of this is not easy, can be fragile, can be overwhelming,can be distressing, but at the end of the day, it’s about life, honoring it, respecting the individual and it can also be the final gift given on both sides. Took me a long time to come to that understanding from my own experience with death.

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  13. Mo Crow Avatar
    Mo Crow

    ah thanks for the lovely animation Michelle
    this open eye star meditation helps to just be with the moment
    breathe
    deeply
    visualize a point of white light with the third eye
    like a star twinkling
    move the focus deeper into the light until the light envelops you and you become the light
    be with it
    then
    let it go

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  14. dee Avatar
    dee

    I love the base of blue flowers. They have so much life and texture. I constantly struggle with my sister’s “No”. It is so often NOT in her best interest, but I don’t have much choice but to back off. How close is he? Days? Weeks?

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  15. Vicky aka "stichr" Avatar
    Vicky aka “stichr”

    recently in the garden, a spider on my foot, possible a recluse. no bite, but we are still cautious. now a little fellow like this i would like to have.for the same reasons.
    i have thought about you these last couple of days…we have the clouds from your monsoons, up here in western WA. but i think they left the rain with you.

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  16. grace Avatar
    grace

    move the focus deeper into the light
    i move the focus deeper, look for the light

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  17. grace Avatar
    grace

    it was Beauty FULL

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  18. grace Avatar
    grace

    yes. this is just exactly IT…time.
    I can do this for a while
    but for LONG?
    i don’t know
    because it feeds from me, eats me and i don’t know how much i AM
    to be fed from

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  19. grace Avatar
    grace

    i hope
    i hope i can come to something from this. I don’t know at this point, it’s Hard. just Hard.
    today, again, as i held his urinal in place he called me SugarFoot, and i hate being called sugarfoot

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  20. grace Avatar
    grace

    dee…who knows? could be any of these…days, weeks, months…
    no one knows.
    that’s the THING. if i could say to self…it’s this certain while.
    Then.
    Then i could just go.
    But it’s not that. It’s Who Knows and i struggle

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  21. grace Avatar
    grace

    Vic…i so deeply receive your “thinking” in monsoon like clouds…
    so much RECEIVE your thinking with gratitude and love

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  22. Michelle in NYC Avatar
    Michelle in NYC

    you know dear one it’s always “Who knows” morning noon and night time too….sunrise to set, every moment “Who Knows”, forever and ever for “Eternity”:
    https://youtu.be/czs8c86G96A

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