Old Cowboy had an event….panic attack and an episode of Air Hunger.  so

i went.

Of course it might change,  but in this moment of time,  he is not at all Present.   His mind is completely preoccupied with the ranch in Colorado,  events of years gone by.  ReRuns.  He is not oriented to Person or Place.   at all.   Ok.

 

IMG_4367

When my present responsibilities are complete,   or

When this particular Karmic Obligation has been met,  when it has Ripened,  When the fruit of it falls from the Vine,  back into the Vastness,

I would like to draw Lizards.  I would like to draw and draw and draw lizards until the point when i touch the pencil/pen to the paper/cloth a Lizard FLOWS .  Without thought,  without design,  just FLOWS.

And not just "lizards",  but the Whiptail Lizards that live here.  Whiptails.  Whiptails.    

I was on my way Out this morning and an oh so small, just New One scattered from my foot step and i stopped and she stopped and how they DO,  she looked up…Eye Contact…..

but i had to go.  

So when this responsibility has been fulfilled,  I would like to NOT need to Go.  But be able to squat,  to share that moment of connection fully…and wait for her to break it….

 

Posted in

17 responses to “what i want”

  1. Jan Avatar
    Jan

    this is very very good. to know what comes next. . .what you will do. because there will be your own transition from this time of obligation. . .from this time of listening out and showing up for someone else. and you have something that is your own. your passion for that. and knowing you, it will help you to let go of old cowboy gradually rather than abruptly. yes?

    Like

  2. grace Avatar

    Jan…right now i think i want abrupt.
    i look at these words: i think i want abrupt.
    and i think i DO.
    but also, i want to see it through. I want to go for as long
    as it takes. I want to be There for as long as it takes and how
    it needs to Take it.
    I DID sign up for this. I am seeing it now. I did Sign Up.
    Like i sign up for my Self.
    We can’t Know. We just need to do the homework.

    Like

  3. Jan Avatar
    Jan

    that’s honest Grace. and I understand abrupt as well. even with family sometimes. love you,

    Like

  4. grace Avatar

    was sitting Out…just in my under pants watching the Goats go back and forth in the Corridor because of all the Storms/Rain
    watching
    thinking
    he has always said he wanted a
    Natural Death
    in his own home
    this is what i said i would DO. Help with.
    what’s happening now with constant care is
    not really
    natural.
    I think of old Gideon the Goat of Goats
    I think of old Chinche, the dog of dogs
    they….
    natural.
    they mumble along until it’s over
    Old Cowboy…he is watched over. Oh so Cared for. No mistakes.
    Mistakes are what take us.
    Mistakes are how it Goes

    Like

  5. grace Avatar

    lacelady said in an email
    May the soft edges of Mother Night soothe you
    i love this
    i am soothed…the night is coming, softly. softly edged. i am soothed.

    Like

  6. Jan Avatar
    Jan

    personality. understanding. his being so different from your own. humans can still cause so much suffering to others, and to my way of thinking being at that threshold doesn’t really excuse that. as you say, not much ‘natural’ about the way so many people die. may he be brave enough to just go when the time comes. . .

    Like

  7. ² Avatar
    ²

    yes be brave enough when standing on/before the threshold
    it count in so manny way’s
    natural ¨¨¨¨

    Like

  8. Mo Crow Avatar

    drawing helps with understanding the world

    Like

  9. Marti Avatar
    Marti

    Until it is over, well, you just take those little pockets of self/nature moments when you can and you are so good at finding them, even if they are just for the moment.
    Quite the gift that the little whiptail looked at you cause they move so quickly. I’ve seen a few whiptails here, I think they are whiptails, they aren’t very big but do have a long tail so I looked them up and found that their nickname is “lesbian lizard”:(from Wikipedia)
    “Like most other whiptail lizards, the New Mexico whiptail is diurnal and insectivorous. They are wary, energetic, and fast moving, darting for cover if approached…
    The New Mexico whiptail lizard is a crossbreed of a western whiptail which lives in the desert and the little striped whiptail that favours grasslands. The lizard is a female-only species that reproduces by producing an egg through parthenogenesis. Despite reproducing asexually, and being an all female species, the whiptail still engages in mating behavior with other females of its own species, giving rise to the common nickname “lesbian lizards”. A common theory is that this behavior stimulates ovulation, as those who do not “mate” do not lay eggs.”

    Like

  10. beth Avatar

    ((( Grace )))

    Like

  11. grace Avatar

    yes. and the disorientation will help him i think….he
    already is not here in a way

    Like

  12. grace Avatar

    it’s all very much SomeThing

    Like

  13. grace Avatar

    it does. you said that the other day on your blog…and
    you have said it before….
    i have always thought that i cannot really “know” something
    until i try to draw it

    Like

  14. grace Avatar

    they have that incredible turquoise blue tail, underbelly and
    throat
    the very little ones…it’s so VIVID
    and yes, that they are all sisters…i love that

    Like

  15. grace Avatar

    and back to you….

    Like

  16. Martine Bos Avatar

    I understood……i must start drawing again…………

    Like

  17. grace Avatar

    Martine…my drawing has changed with the Cloth making…it’s
    different now…i can find the uhhhh, lines easier, more
    readily, i can understand the Parts of the Whole easier,
    Cloth has/IS teaching me well

    Like

Leave a comment