for a long time, like years, I was never there often enough. How I would call to get a grocery list…deliver the stuff then later that day or in the morning he'd tell me what he'd forgot. So i had to go again. I would always tell him to get better at making the list, but i pretty much always just went again because he couldn't go anywhere by himself, 10 years, give or take,. He was dependent. (I wonder what that felt like?) (I wasn't always easy on him) (He knew he was annoying me) (But he was good at walking a fine line…pushing it, just as much as he could, but not too much) (he was lonely).
This last year or so, momentum. His need became not choice but reality. Thinking back, almost daily, it grew. Until his life was as imminent as my own.
I woke in the middle of the night last night and there was this:
if you agree to
matter
to someone,
no matter how, (you matter to them)
then, really
Matter Well.
Went there today to wait for the Hospice equipment people to retrieve their bed, commode, nebulizer, etc. They never came. When finally i got to the bank to get the Will out of the Safe Deposit Box because since I am not blood to him, they need the Will that says he wants to be cremated, and i got to the funeral home, nobody answered their door so i came home with his safe deposit papers and a fire proof box from Walmart, just in case. And i did some things here, started a crock pot of beans, some things Out Side, pet the dogs a lot, Tazmeena, try out scraps on the pouch, maybe, and all the while,
Something's Missing. Not in Place. Missing.
I think of him there, downstairs at the Funeral Place, his body in that fetal position waiting for what's next, his spirit hovering, How he is dead now. and like i always said, I didn't love him. But i am learning how much he Mattered as time went by. How much of who I am I put into Mattering, being Mattered. It's more than i'd thought. I miss him. So i am drifting now, for awhile, finding self just looking at stuff
looking for scraps for rocks i found this …. had forgotten all about it
front and back of the other half of the Maria Cloth
windthread 
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