windthread

How i can spend a whole day just looking,  making the most minute adjustments,  re ~adjusting,  looking, imagining,  standing back,  moving close, …..a whole day of it and be totally absorbed and come out at the end of it still so totally not knowing anything much at all about What It Is.   Where its "going".   And feeling really happy about it all.  really Happy.

and this is Good.   What IS it?  well,  it doesn't matter.  Its a shape,  a thinness,  almost like a mirage but it's just very good and OK here.  Just enough above and just enough curved.   I sigh.

Dee,  on her blog asked the question:  what we might want to do before we die.  And i thought,  while i was feeding Goats,  cleaning up the kitchen, stoking the fire.  And in this moment what came was i would like to have a conversation,  as long as it took,  maybe days….with my kids.  My original two and their kids and their kids.  Maybe all of us in one place.  Yes.  All of us.  together.  And i would like to tell them how much i loved them and Why i loved each one of them…what it's given me,  their mother, their Nana,  their Old Nana ….While Staying My Self.   I would like it if they could ask any questions and i would like to answer those questions Well.  I would like this "early on",  like not on my death bed.

The second thing would be to feel that i had done Well with my meditation practice,  which i guess we can call my Spiritual Practice.  Gone as far with it as I was able.  Having really worked.  Done my best.

and in the moment,  i guess that's it.   And in this meantime,  to live each day fully.  Just going.  Doing the best i can.  Being in Response to the moments as they come.   Yes.  I think this is it.

And i am going to leave a Goat Note sometimes at the end of the Day.  This is the year that i hope to come to some conclusions about Us Here,  whatever that means,  so at the end of the days.  Anything that will help.

GOAT NOTE:   it was Monday that Nogal was crazy.   It got me up in the middle of the night with worry about What To Do.  And instead of trying to avoid it,  as in quiet the thought,  the anxiety it brought,  i instead decided to let it run on,  however it ran on.  And in a short while,  like 20 minutes in the dark,  the Night Mind pointed out that it was just how Goats ARE.    It was anxiety provoking to ME,  but for Nogal and TenZen,  it was complete Goatness,  with no emotional/intellectual baggage.  They were simply expressing themselves honestly.   Buck goats are driven completely by their hormones.  It's all that really means anything to them beyond the age of three.  If they could,  they would spend each and every day breeding.  All day.  Begin Again in the morning.   THIS and only THIS would make them content.  

I "knew" this, intellectually,  but had not absorbed it on a level of day to day.  I need to.  Nothing will save me from it.   They are here.  Being themselves.  I am here,  being myself.  I need to surrender. So yesterday,  it did not escalate or even continue.  There was some Display before evening feed but very little in comparison. 

Today, day 3 was relatively quiet.  They moved around together as they usually do.  Some Dominance at feeding time,  but half hearted.   So,  a reprieve for this time.  But i am on notice that things are changing.  

And Why was it like it was on Monday?  Maybe the WIND which affects everyone,  human and animal.  Maybe it was Onday and her intensity and the does response to that.  Maybe both.  Maybe neither.  But the important thing is that it Changed already.  And will Change again.