my brother called today. He's seven years younger than me, so i guess that makes him 63? Give or take. And i think he called for some words of good cheer, or at least some buddhist platitude. The conversation began with: this is your brother William. (as if i might not recognize his voice after a lifetime) How are you doing? i paused and said, ok. doing ok. How are things there (in Minnesota) ? Looking to make sure stuff was ok there in it's ordinary way…with him, his kids, grandkids etc. He said he was ok too. Stuff was ok there. and of course the conversation then went to What's Going On. It's really why he called…to hear what i would say. For most of his middle adult years he has been a rabid Green Party person. I expected some of that in some form, but there wasn't. He was pretty "soft", he was looking for optimism. Trying to find it in himself. So i told him about my grief and we sorted through it some to see what kind of grief it is and very soon the conversation switched to how he had finally been able to get into the medical marijuana program there and how he's watching it, it's effect…does it really cut the Edge enough? He said that the "pain" is there, as it always is when he wakes in the morning, but the weed seems to create some space between him and the pain…that yes, they are both there, the pain and the Other experience and they seem to co-exist somehow in a way that allows him some good space in his days. Hmmmm. So we talked and he reminded me that our image of this country, America, is really over inflated. It's one country in a planet full. And what we do or don't do is only what one country does or doesn't do. And for a while after the conversation i thought about that and it was kind of cheery.
But what's important to me now, this evening, is looking at how i said i was sorry. Sorry for feeling this grief. And really, part of me was sorry for even saying it outloud to him, the grief, the sadness. And i apologized….
"I'm really sorry for being a bummer…but you asked and i answered." and i probably didn't make his day any better,
but well… and so i went OUT and pulled and cut and raked some of the dry Kochia into a pile and set it on fire, sat with Tay watching it burn and remembering that thing of Earthing that i read about a while back and i kept thinking about it and finally, though the earth is still some moist from the rains and though it is now pretty cold really, i took off my crocks so my feet were bare and pulled up my shirt so my stomach was bare and layed down as flat as i could get and asked for an exchange. Tay got involved because she has never seen me flat on the earth and kept laying up against my head, pushing her body into me so it wasn't a peaceful kind of woo woo experience, but kinda raw but i smelled Earth close and my cheek or forehead was pressed firm into Earth….i want to say Her…but am working on not gender identifying, i let my body flatten, touching as much as possible and i breathed.
and i thought. Of Course there is just going. Of Course there is compassion and love. These are just Givens. But right now there is Grief too and i looked at whether i can walk with both this Grief and with the Joy that just IS…them BOTH holding my hands and yes. I can. Neither Joy or Grief excludes the other. It's ok. no need to be sorry, no need to apologize. No need for shame.
i have forgotten how to draw hands. It's been so long….
and so long too since i have said her name, Kay Gould Caskey, the one who set free in me the wild joy of drawing. How we drew hands back then…how long? 30 some years ago, and drawing this hand there was Joy today in that….the mark of the pencil…looking at my own hand…making the marks with the pencil….
windthread 
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