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a work away day, so nothing much except to bring more pieces.  I know so little about this.  I know that there is a merging of Human and Goat in the face,  i know it is representative of the Feeling i have when i work OutSide with them,  sit with them.  When they come to me for Touch and companionship.  I become a part of them.  So i know this.  I know that i'm not sure i can live without them anymore.

I seem to be knowing that i want scraps that to me are happiness.  I vaguely imagine something like the pieces inside a Kaleidoscope, able to move and create design,  but these are not intended for a design,  but just fragment of colors and form.  That's enough.  That's all i seem to want. 

So i am content to just sit and stare.  To move these pieces around,  watch how they interact.  It absorbs me and for moments at a time,  takes my mind away from all that is going on in the larger world.  

And i talk to Daughter about 

the baby

how we too move like pieces in a kaleidoscope,  changing, moving, creating images,  talking about the pieces of Land they will decide from…we call one of them the Mountain Lion .   it backs into wild land…nothing to be seen beyond.  There are marijuana farms around.  What piece would that play in a kaleidoscope?  She says people say they can't stand the smell.  I think.  I like the smell of marijuana, but i have never been around acres of it either.  I think of bees.  Bees pollinating those fat sticky buds.  Or do they let them?  Maybe they don't.  I don't know.  I think of going there.  Taking Tay and Tazmeena the cat.  Learning to live in a new place.  A place more complex than this one i have known for so long.   New trees.  New plants.  New lizards.  New insects.  New kind of living.  With Children.  It's been a long time.

 

 

 

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20 responses to “i don’t know, maybe don’t want to”

  1. Tina Avatar
    Tina

    I keep thinking how wonderful it would be for you all to be together …
    But what will be … will be! I will keep reading till this story ends!
    Love kaleidoscopes!

    Like

  2. Mo Crow Avatar

    the in between moment of what might be

    Like

  3. joanne Avatar
    joanne

    Going into the unknown is scary. Perhaps a visit first to see if it is right?
    We moved without knowing what it would be and it was 20 years of misery. Only now, that we don’t work
    to live–are we letting go and trying to be happy. All those years lost to sadness.

    Like

  4. Michelle in NYC Avatar

    Lots of thought swirling around. I know that feeling, and your happy scraps plan seems the perfect choice for times like these.
    you might recall that Hash is made from that sticky stuff the marijuana plant produces to cover it’s seeds It’s actually a protection–poisonous to birds but I don’t know what effect it has on bees, but if it doesn’t kill them, the image of stoned bees bouncing around a field is amusing…I picture an insect Woodstock with buzzing musicians :–>

    Like

  5. Ali Avatar
    Ali

    Decisions, huge decisions here, and whatever is the answer involves sacrifice of things you love. A hard place to be.
    The Goat/Human gazes with such wisdom through the swirling possibilities, you will know when you are ready to know.

    Like

  6. jude Avatar

    scraps can represent so much

    Like

  7. Kirsten Avatar
    Kirsten

    Hi Grace,
    The question of marijuana plants and bees intrigued me so I searched for the topic on-line. Bee Culture magazine had an article on that very topic in 2016. http://www.beeculture.com/bees-and-cannabis/
    Interesting also that the author noted the smell from the fields!
    Uprooting and moving is always a difficult choice but the answer will come.

    Like

  8. handstories Avatar

    There would be so much New, alongside the many connections with those you love. A lot to balance out. (Today we read that there are 170,000,000 insects to every one human on earth.)

    Like

  9. cynthia Avatar
    cynthia

    change is so hard..you will find beauty wherever you are in your kaleidoscope..but i have been surprised how hard this move has been even though i made it quite willingly..it seems fair/right ..i guess when you love things fiercely..to miss them the same way..and still i am surprised..
    still..new babies..Emmi is 6 months old now and yesterday we sat on the floor and explored a big ball of twine for almost and hour..and the beauty here take my breath away everyday..to suddenly discover a new place..
    fragments..
    gentle day grace

    Like

  10. Martine Bos Avatar

    Living in a land where even the bees are stoned must be heaven…………

    Like

  11. grace Avatar

    it’s such a story, Tina…it keeps changing, moving

    Like

  12. grace Avatar

    the inbetween is brief, like a blink of an eye

    Like

  13. grace Avatar

    i love your words here…the Truth of how it can go and i really
    don’t and won’t know until i let loose.
    I would love to know more of your story, if you are inclined.
    All our Stories feed All our Stories. Weave such a Grand
    Thing.
    i have lived exactly what i wanted to for some years. Now it’s time to take that risk
    Thank you so much for your words here, and if you can, Tell
    More’
    Love,

    Like

  14. grace Avatar

    the place in question now will not provide those answers…no
    weed farms, just forests

    Like

  15. grace Avatar

    i TRUST the Goats…where they can live, i can.

    Like

  16. grace Avatar

    today, Saturday, i swoon amidst scraps

    Like

  17. grace Avatar

    THIS IS AN INCREDIBLE article…THANK YOU
    THANK YOU THANK YOU
    and i know you KNOW about uprooting, re rooting

    Like

  18. grace Avatar

    this. so many insects for each of us…how blessed we are.

    Like

  19. grace Avatar

    yes…fierceness equals fierceness.
    your Emmi. Beloved new Being with string…..it’s how it
    happens, how it goes and how it seems to NEED to be

    Like

  20. grace Avatar

    yes, i laugh softly, bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
    and more. How soft this thought………….gentle,
    dreamlike….

    Like

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