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Off and on they worked on their Travel Journals.  It was the agreement.  Eli and his mother,  the agreement for being out of school.  I sat often on the porch listening to the exchange between them about what one writes in a travel journal.   They were quite self sufficient,  the parts of the trip when they were here,  at the beginning and then at the end.  They wondered if i wanted to go with them but i said no…unless it was important to them and it really wasn't.  So they went around happily and i stayed here being me.   Doing the RePlay in my mind this afternoon,  i saw how quiet i've become.  How i watch and listen and respond when things are directed to me but also seem to have lost all urge to entertain.  Stuff is very plain and what i talk about is things like that Sky last night.  We all watched and went back to see the final darkness with all the STARS,  but then too,  i was pretty quiet.  How often i said  "I don't know".  I don't know the names of all those mountain ranges on the circular Rim.  I don't know the names of those bright stars.  I don't know the population of Socorro.  I don't know in miles how far the Rio Grande River is from here.  I don't know the number of the annual percipitation of places.  and i didn't feel like i SHOULD know anything.  I was ok with not knowing.  and IT was ok that i didn't know.

 

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so they have set out for Home.   

 

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Emrie's Magic FireFly cloth waited.  Today i stitched.  Tomorrow is the appointment for the Amniocentesis.  Jenny and Alyssia will drive the distance to Sacramento to the place that does nothing but this.   First they do their own ultrasound and if there are what they refer to as "markers",  they will continue with the Amniocentesis.  If not sufficient markers they will not.  So it will be a great not knowing until decisions.   And really,  even after all,  it might remain a not knowing.  But we Go.

Yesterday,  daughter Jenny,  who will be Emrie's grandmother,  went to the Goodwill in Chico and got her 6  "really great" sundresses.  For good luck.

 

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29 responses to “who i’ve become and who i guess will go to the New Place”

  1. Mo Crow Avatar

    oh my stars, love the flight of the fireflies for little Emrie, this is the most beautiful cloth so full of love, light and good magic!

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  2. Michelle in NYC Avatar

    The names are written by the stars, in the stars, in the hearts of those who see. Love magic is at work here.

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  3. cynthia Avatar
    cynthia

    This looks like skies that i remember from when i was little— summer nights in Grass Valley-not far from Sacramento -i loved the recognition that jumped up in my mind when this appeared on the screen— it smelled of manzanita and campfires and they were full of magic–it still lingers
    gentle say grace

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  4. Liz A Avatar

    For me, the things I need to know are the names of the flowers and grasses, the better to greet them as I walk in their midst. Knowing the scat signs for coyote, the evidence of armadillo digging, the winged visitors at the bird bath. Counting the inches of rain.
    Other things I can look up. That was stock in trade for my librarian self, knowing where to look before it was all available on a handheld device … the stuff of sci-fi 30 years ago.
    The firefly cloth looks magical … we called them lightning bugs when I was little. Summer nights heavy with heat, lidded mason jars with holes punched in the top. But best was tiny moths drawn to flashlights, gently cupped in hands only to let them go.

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  5. dee Avatar

    not knowing the names of the stars… not knowing the genetic composition. One seems easy, the other, not so much. Your voice in telling all of this is so full and wise and flows and takes me to a wondering — what do I know, not know? am I striving to entertain, leaving others well enough alone? You are a mensch.

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  6. Marti Avatar
    Marti

    Like Liz, it was important for me to identify trees, weeds, flowers, etc. from the many places that we lived in because it was how I acclimated myself to new landscapes. Now the need to know is not that strong within me; only moving me to research something if it strikes my fancy, more of an inward question and answer rather than the need to tell others.
    Until we moved to Tennessee, I had never seen fireflies and that first glimpse held me in awe and wonder. Your Emrie cloth does the same for it is filled with such love and attention to detail as well as the special spirit that comes from a loving ole Nana for her beloved great granddaughter. Enlarging the cloth to see your fireflies was an especially beautiful moment.

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  7. joanne Avatar
    joanne

    We don’t seem to have fireflies here in Maine. I remember them in Ohio and Florida. In a glass canning jar for a few minutes and then let them fly out. It was a simpler time and days went on forever. time goes so much faster now.

    Like

  8. Peggy McG Avatar
    Peggy McG

    Emrie’s Cloth sparkles. Your love shines.
    In regards to memory, for me, my brain doesnt retain things anymore that i can look up, but conjures up the feelings evoked instead. However, still love to read a good geology book! Was a Younger brainiac and lots of grades in the A-B range, but now just blurred emotions. I like it that way, and i like doing what comes and is necessary but and then , your “just going” fits.

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  9. Nina Avatar
    Nina

    That’s so interesting Joanne, I am in Midcoast Maine and we have fireflies here like gangbusters! Interesting.

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  10. Nina Avatar
    Nina

    Love the cloth, Grace.

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  11. Tina Avatar
    Tina

    Your cloth is looking magical.. like when watching a firefly. Loving blessings to you and your family today and always .. but especially today!

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  12. Wendy@ Late StartStudio Avatar

    I’m all caught up yet again . . . I love the reading from where I left off. The cloth is looking wonderful with the waves and the lights.
    I like that there is much I can still learn if I so choose and happy to stay with mysteries for the most part.

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  13. ² Avatar
    ²

    we have ” fireflies” when it is really warm ,
    like them a lot ”
    hou veel van hen “

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  14. ali Avatar
    ali

    So many layers of meaning and magic and love in this beautiful Cloth Grace
    I like the idea of just Being – not reduced to, but content with the essence and no need for anything more. So congruent and simple – something to work back to

    Like

  15. Martine Bos Avatar

    Love Emrie’s cloth and all the love you put in it………….

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  16. grace Avatar

    my Aunt used to exclaim….”OH my Stars and Gardens!!!”

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  17. grace Avatar

    written by the stars…i love this

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  18. grace Avatar

    all over the Hill is Manzanita

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  19. grace Avatar

    i like to know too, at first, but then i like not holding the
    knowing.
    When i get there, i might go through a whole journey of needing
    to know and then be able to forget that too
    i got Julian one of the flashlight headlamps when he was
    maybe 2 or so…when i went to pick up the Goats. He wore it
    to look for Toads at night.
    We will need these in the new Place

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  20. grace Avatar

    i’ve never known the words for stars, their names, constellations and that…just that they are there is all i need
    My old friend Nancy knew all these things and i admired her so
    not knowing….i think it’s that i feel no apology about not
    knowing anymore. About just being content with looking and
    re looking and sensing and re sensing and guessing and re guessing

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  21. grace Avatar

    i like how the fireflies are kind of crazy looking

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  22. grace Avatar

    in the jar, yes…and i haven’t seen them since Michigan…
    not desert beings

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  23. grace Avatar

    feelings evoked…..blurred emotions…yes. this is it….
    this is totally it

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  24. grace Avatar

    thank you Nina

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  25. grace Avatar

    are you in Hawaii yet?

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  26. grace Avatar

    exactly. it’s Choosing.

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  27. grace Avatar

    ooooooo, Maria….i love to think of them in your garden there….

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  28. grace Avatar

    the urge to KNOW somehow for me, now, closes a door. I like
    to leave all doors open

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  29. grace Avatar

    Martine….today it is literally vibrating

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