windthread

this is what i had first on my list.  Everything green, except for the few clumps of feather grass is weeds.  the good old Kochia and this year an abundance of  wild mustard.  More than an abundance.  There hasn't been so much of it ever.   And it's not just here,  it's all around,  all around town.  There was a mild wet winter.  So if i was staying,  i would write this down,  the connection.  But for now,  i'd just like to get this uhhh, presentable.  My mother would spend at least a couple weeks before we went on a vacation  Cleaning House.  Washing the insides of cupboards.  Any corners.  Stuff had to be spic and span,  "in case".    This feels a little like that,  but also i would like it nice for Travis and Everett.  At least the House Yard.  

But it was overcast and dreary all early day so i sorted through the utility shelves of rolled cloth along the North bed room wall.  And went through two baskets of stuff on the floor,  finding things i didn't know i had,  and some i'd not seen in a long time.  Sorting through.  There will be a primary KEEP decision but i know as it goes,  that will dwindle.  And i'd thought i didn't have any "real" clothes,  like clothes one would wear when going to the farmer's market with one's family.  I thought i pretty much only had my seasonal "uniforms".  But it's not true.  I found all manner of things,  most of which need their collars removed, but a lot of things that are nice and i like.  I thought about how in the last maybe 2 years,  i'd lost interest in clothing,  wearing just some very basic practical few things.  and i'm thinking about why i care now?  They wouldn't care,  but there is an urge to ummm,  i don't know,  an urge to…..uhhhh….be an interesting representative of that Clan?  something like that.

and when SUN began to break through,  the energy across the road at neighbor Margie's began to heat up.   During the time when her own kids were teen agers and then very young adults,  there was always comotion.  Then some years now that many have actually died and those left,  moved away.  Now there is a second wave of nephews showing up.   a ReRun.  Today the tension was palpable.  The doe Goats stayed clustered in their Middle Yard,  not liking the sounds.  Tay layed by the gate, alert but not barking.  and then it blew up,  a lot of yelling,  all the preliminary blustering and shoving,  going in and out out and in and then finally culminating in Great Noise and Comotion and the vehicle there skidding out and down the road and the remaining persons still loud and confusion and

i thought about how in past days,  i would have called her to see if she needed something,  but that today i didn't have any such response.  She knows all this.  Has seen it so many times before.  In and out the people were on their phones,  talking loud,  so there were working phones,  ok and then

police began to arrive,  sheriff and State,  at one point 5 police cars and eventually an ambulance which i think was for Johnny,  a nephew who seemed completely unmoored in it all,  he is a drama queen, combine that with drugs and well…. 

so the peaceful weeding got lost in the Vibes.  

I think as i go about this Place that i have loved for so long.  I think how it's kind of like a marriage.  How you have SO much energy for it for the whole beginning of it when it still is new,  like years.  And then because of that,  you go a long time being just ok.   And then at some point, when you even entertain the first single though of 

going

something shifts and you begin to no longer soften your gaze so much but the edges begin to become more focused and you realize that maybe,  maybe,  it's possible to Go.  Maybe,  even,  it's Time.