windthread

looking at Gideon this evening.  He did not come out of his hut this morning when i put food in his bowl.  I went off to work.  This evening,  he was there.  Ready.  Waiting.  I stood long,  looking at him.  He is not the herd sire he was and i was tempted to go once again try to find that pic of him,  try to bring it here today  (it's in all those zillions in Picasa that are unretrievable for me) the pic of him so Grand and like a lion.  But i'm thinking about that.  it's not him now,  it never will be again,  but the him that is now is Gideon too.  Gideon as he loosens from this plane.  All that he Was remains in him,  but also,  now who he IS is him.  Why is it "less" to photograph.    What would it feel like if i wanted only pics of myself in my 30's,  40's?  What if my kids shied away from a pic of me now with Emrie because i've become skinny and wrinkled?  What does that mean.  And how Lifeforce is something separate  and elegant from the physical form.  How over and over,  for various reasons,  it loosens and then holds tight again….as Gideon is now.  He was all himSelf this evening…his hair glistening with Sunlight,  his face,  upturned and loving.

color is not true.  the life form is darker than it is in order to show some of the particles loosening.  It's almost finished.  it's a testimony to Cloth making that i have needed to stitch these last two Work Away days.   The stitching has held me together.

and back to little rat boy.  I watched him this evening,  a few times.  All of them are extending their territory to include the whole of the Way Back.   The first time i saw him,  this is through the door window,  he had just finished shitting.  over by the road fence.  He then spent close to forever working away at covering it.  He scratched and checked,  scratched more,  scratched more and checked,  over and over and i finally gave up watching because it was taking WAY too long,  but he wasn't satisfied and was still working away when i quit watching….so i can say,  he is meticulous.  

He and Goldie come out close when i fill the Goats water tub in the evening.  Tonight,  very close and i squated to study him,  looking for any sign of improvement.  But there isn't any.  No hair is growing in those bald spots.  No hair at all on his tail.  He just is who he is.  But i saw him,  moments later,  when i was turning off the water,  come RUNNING from a distance…his legs are long and he runs like a gazelle.  Nothing about him is pretty.  But his life force is Strong.  Whatever caused his loss of hair,  his skinnyness,  has not changed his Heart.  So much of me wants to take him to the vet….try to fix whatever it is.  i am conflicted.  $ will be needed for Goat Vet things before whenever it is we leave.  Sunny Ray's problem scur,  i watch every day now.  Maybe things for Gideon.  Tay is due her shots.  Hundreds of dollars….all told.   So how does little rat boy work in to that?   And really,  should he?  or,  being feral,  is it really most Right that he makes it on his Own?

all these things….things to ponder,  things to slowly slowly understand