windthread

i am at that point where Enough is Enough.   or,  very near it.  

I could go tomorrow.  Just stuff things into the Uhaul.  When i lost energy for that,  just let it go.  

There was some Phone today.  A lot of just sitting Out There,  watching the Goats.  Cinderella is in a Hot Heat.  Nigerian Dwarves come into heat monthly,  unlike many other Goat breeds that are seasonal.  But for whatever reason,  November and December are particularly HOT months.  Maybe because then there are kids born in the optimal months of early spring.  If Cinderella had her way,  she would be kidding in April.  Perfect.  She does not have her way and stands there at the gate of the middle Doe yard vocalizing her Need/Desire.  She's never been bred,  so it's all in her imagination,  but ……                            Her voice is unpleasant.  Like Really.  Loud and gutteral.   a long low Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.  Then some fast abrupt blips.  Repeat.  Over and Over.  All Day today.  The buck Goats stand in their yards all transfixed with their upper lips curled up,  best to sniff her.  They blubber on each other,  then curl their upper lips,  then squirt urine and jiz all over themselves.  Sunny Ray looks horrible.  He's mostly white and his sticky stuff is yellowgold mixed with brown of dirt.  he looks horrible.  Nogal is dark and also not so messy.  Maybe because he has never had an opportunity to Do the Deed before?  I don't know,  but he looks pretty nice as he curls his lip upward.   And then,  TenZen.  Who knows what's going on from past experience but just pretty much wants to stay out of Nogal's way,,,,,quietly curling his own lip in the far yard.  The rest of the does pay no attention in the moment today.  Wander about or lie down and stare off into the NoWhere.  They are so interesting to me.  I love them so much.  I sit and watch them,  Visualize the Journey and the Arriving.  Then focus on them finding themselves in that New WonderLand of the Goat Forest.

Tay sits with me.  Chewing her wood root.  She's so great at just being.  Soon for her too,  things will Change.

mid afternoon everything got stitched together.  The tree branch begun.   We will arrive in California Winter.  Soft rain.  Filtered SunLight,  Jenny says….knowing i am not fond of rain.  But she says it will be ok for me,  an ok rain.  soft.  filtered sunlight,  like a sigh.  she says.  "you'll like it",  she says.  She says that a lot lately.  ok.

i remembered today,  i've written this here before a couple times.  I remembered today Cathy Florida,  a woman who i first learned Meditation Practice from.  She was also psychic.  I had a meeting with her.  Mostly about the craziness between Jenny and i.  Jenny being so young,  so head strong.  Me feeling angry and helpless.  I remember at the beginning of our hour,  she invoked all her Guides.  They were many.  She also had a very old Bible.  Like the buddhists,  she clipped a strand of my hair and placed it in that Bible.  and sat a while in silence.   I don't remember a lot from that hour.  I told her my angst with Jenny and her baby Alyssia.  My helplessness.   

What i do remember is her saying….This is Old.  Nothing new.  You have done this before.  There will never be a bonfire….out of control….but there will always be embers.  glowing.  Always.  She also said,  you will go somewhere that begins with C.  I can't see any more than that.  It begins with C.

when i came to New Mex i wondered…but no C except for Carrizozo…a ways away from where i am now,  but Carrizozo wasn't it.

C

it begins with C.