windthread

this one might need to be here for a while.    

i woke at about 3 am.  Raining,  the sound on the metal roof of each raindrop.  I was facing the window and looked out,  where i am positioned to see the tops of the close trees and then into the "sky".  I lay there,  looking.   i don't know how long but the raindrops i noticed had stopped and there was a clearing of "sky" and Stars appeared.  You might remember how i've said i can't look at the stars here.  How they are so close.  I've said i have always had a thing about looking at the night sky,  stars,  i can't,  for too long,  only moments and then i have to turn away.   How it's some kind of frightening.  

in New Mex,  sometimes in the heat of summer i would sit on the hood of the truck,  leaning back on the windshield and look at the sky,  and it would be ok,  because i could connect it to the line of the Horizon,  the Rim.  But not for long that way, either.

last night,  laying there,  looking,  first at the close trees wet with rain and soft with night,  i FELT them.  and looking up when the stars appeared,  i realized that it's not the vastness of the cosmos that is frightening for me,  but it is really the intensity of the Love that is overwhelming.  It's the intensity of the Love…in me.  My love.  It's My Love that is frightening for me.

and i realize that somehow,  living Life with her is helping me be able to look at Stars.