i wanted out of NoWhere to do this. I started and stopped. started and stopped. All day, could not, did not, focus, but moved one thing to the next and around, mostly in my mind. I don't want to live like this.
a lot of time was spent watching for Caroline, tracking her through the day. Having no idea how she might choose to deal with kidding as a Free Goat. When they were no where to be seen, i went to look for them….just needing to know where they were. Needing to see her. So that. But i might also have read the final write up about Possibilities. It was dire. I don't know what source it was from, i clicked out before making note of that….the direness. But there's no point. We don't know and we can't know. We have to Live it day unto day.
i knew all along that the pattern above is too narrow. But instead of changing that, i just kept going. Like i'll keep going tomorrow and stitch it up, turn it and stuff it with something. I have no idea why i'm doing this. I see her with Pine Needle Hair…maybe just for that, pine needle hair.
this virus shit is a Bummer. I was finally getting things together, like i just recently found info about a Community Garden in town, in one of the funky neighborhoods, sponsored by the AfroAmerican Community Center, a news article saying they are in need of volunteers, that there is something for anyone and everyone to help with…and in exchange, they give free vegetables, which is nice, but mostly i felt a pull to work in this Garden. Maybe because they noted that they raise SEVENTEEN varieties of Tomatoes…SEVENTEEN!!!! EEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee and just small but huge stuff like having found the BEAUTYFULL laundromat, but…….is a laundromat a safe place? Do virus…what's the plural?, viruses?, do they float on molecules of humidity from the dryers? How much hand sanitizer does one NEED for a trip to the laundromat? But…maybe no one will be there?, but probably not because we all need clean clothing. And all woven in to it i think of all the huge humanity that has been struggling for so long in so many parts of the world and we are whining about things like this….i think these thoughts a lot in between looking for Caroline
if it would stop raining, i could plant my Heart in the Gardens, put my hands into this Earth and get lost there and maybe i will stay here, in the Gardens indefinitely, not come back from them….if it would stop raining. Even for a little while, but then i also don't want it to stop. Want more and more rain to SEEEEEEEEP in deep in to the crevices of this Hill to hold us as long as possible through the summer months,
and then i think, what if Caroline isn't REALLY pregnant, that it is just like a while ago when we thought everyone was and the vet said YUP but NOTHING CAME OF IT, What if i am repeating that? So i stare at her when i find her, she's twice her normal size, her twat is all puffy, she's bagged up.
What a day. I don't want to live like this. Need to find another way
windthread 
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