windthread

so it was 30 something hours when i finally lay down to sleep.   I woke at around midnight,  had slept in all my jackets and wool hat,  put on my boots.  Flashlight.  Checked.   Babies sleep.  Mother sleeps.  All touching.   

boots off,  jackets,  hat,  off.   Lay down again intending to go check again when i woke around 2 something as i always do to pee.

woke with a jolt…it was 4 something,  way too long for effective checking .  I was disoriented…where were my boots?  Where did i set the flashlight?   and i just stopped moving.  I just couldn't.  Could not look for my boots,  could not look for the flashlight or hat or jackets.  i could not go out.  i simply could not do what i needed to do.  For the first time in my life and things began to become a blur,  of thoughts that made some sense and all manner that did not.  Fears of all kind arose….how could i tell emrie or Julian that their Goat had died,  because i Couldn't.   and i sat there at the edge of the bed and coughed.  

Coughed.  a dry cough?   i think so.  i wait to cough again and i don't but break into a cold sweat….a Fever?    

Ok, i think,  this is it.   Ok.   and i just sit there,  watching the movie my mind created as i watched,  one scene to the next and i remembered the last days of hospice with the Old Cowboy,  how his eyes were…the fear…i knew my eyes were the same.  i remembered all the things i told him in those days…mostly not to be afraid,  that when THE moment came,  it would come softly.  that i couldn't say that for sure,  but i believed it to be how it happens.  When you need to Go,  you Go.  And all this went on for about a half hour,  me just sitting there,  propped on the big pillows,  watching this disjointed flow of images,  sweating and becoming very cold.  repeat and then at some point i fell asleep.

it had become light when i woke again,  sleep having absorbed the Fear and for a second,  i didn't remember anything and then i did.   So i got up and made tea.   What was,  was.  There was nothing to do but go Out There and find out.

They were hopping around.  Caroline was hungry.   

I came in,  got Puppy's food and went down to do the morning feed.  SUN rose like honey,  flowing through the trees.  Stood and look at that…the SunLight flowing through the trees and realized that i'd had the First Panic attack in my life.   I understood,  for the first time what people experience…the most significant part being that there is no way i was able to make it stop.  That all the ways i have to keep worry at bay didn't work.  There's just TooMuch.  

I carried alfalfa to Caroline and sat on the straw and watched her eat in her methodical Goat way,  i watched the little ones practice all manner of physical maneuvers,  like turning inplace during a spin,  touched their tiny bodies, not even a whole day old, their perfectness,  softness, Goingness.   I filled her water and left,  checking twice that i hooked the door.  Came in and layed down.  SLEPT.  maybe an hour.  More tea and understanding so so clearly that this is going to be a time of many First Times and there's a lot of work i need to do with my head.   with realizing that i have limits.   and that i need to honor those limits.  So much i need to honor about life at this point in time.  

it's early,  but Jenny will be here soon.  I need to eat.  that's one thing to honor.   so i'll feed self .   Will take more pics of them and be back here this evening.  Maybe i can learn something already by then.  

BIG LOVE TO ALL

(just to say….no dry cough.  i do not have a fever.  There's time to Learn.)