windthread

that mental restlessness continues.  the questioning self  continuing… so aimless.  circular.  repetitive.   but i also

can't pin it down

i searched for and found the little  usb fan that Alyssia brought me 2 years ago and that i lost somewhere in the bowels of that back bedroom/closet.   Because last time when Emrie was here,  she wanted to go in and i said no…too hot in there.   Don't you have a fan?????   yes.   Turn it on.    I don't know where it is.     You need to find it.   

it moves the air…has a soft sound.   it's Good.    i didn't want it because it's yet one more thing battery dependent and one more thing with a cord.   I so don't love cords.  so    don't.   but it's little whirring breeze is a game changer.    But doesn't help with that internal conversation that has no words.       about how i can find some way to move through these new days of continuous heat.  It's been weeks.    I say to self…it's how it is now.  you need to learn how to live in it.    and it kind of ends there.  because it's the truth.  and really…there's no 

fix

i want a distraction then.   there is none.     maybe draw.   the above.   how do you draw old women?,  old skinny,  skin and bones women like me?   so i began….she is looking down at something….that's where i started,  a face looking down and the body from there and it's how i do….being so far away from what i learned about drawing,  just sometimes feeling my own face with my finger tips,  my shoulder,  clavicle .    guessing how to draw that.   Just keep making lines.  it gets closer as it goes and it

takes  me out of the heat….out of what the      heat      means .           drawing.   ok.   So we have this looking down,  kneeling body.

now what.