i woke this morning to a stuffy left nostril. Lay there….breathing…realizing i was doing some kind scan. Was i hot? Did i have a fever? i coughed to see what my lungs were doing. Lay there. realizing fully how this low grade FEAR has become insidious
i gazed out the window, seeing the world outside from a prone position. Sideways. How SUN was
rising
how Trees were
being Trees
being Trees while i was entertaining this quiet but insistent level of anxiety….heartbeat, tight tingling chest, eyes involved in some kind of hypervigilence BRAIN whirring and spinning out all manner of thought fragments, never finishing one before throwing forward another
and all of a sudden i got so TIRED of it. So DONE with it all. So DONE with that part of me
i have spent almost all my adult life looking at Things. Studying Things. Receiving Teachings from all sources. I know what works for me in How To Live. I know many good and true things that i Believe completely are Real and undeniably true and good and real.
i thought back to the words recently of Richard Davidson …to paraphrase…."our brains are constantly being shaped by experience. wittingly or other by forces around us. We can take more responsibility for our own brains.
Margery Knott Sharing Trickster's Hoard Post of 1/14/22 about how inner fire is rekindled when it
flickers
this morning i flickered. But i got up. because Goats would be expecting me. I got up because the Trees were
there
there. How they have always been…there….in my childhood, they were There, all my life. Trees. Even when i lived in the desert, had come to a Place of No Trees, i planted them… The Apricot. the Russian Olive. the Vitex and Desert Willow and
they grew. and surrounded me.
So….i feel a little crazy. But i also know how to live. i have gathered the tools for that. I need to make some kind of shift…it won't be hard when it happens. it will seem uhhhhh, natural. But nows the time. i am really DONE with all this crap of fear and worry. its useless.
i glanced over to my left at these two scraps of cloth. just sitting there. and they SAID. Loud and Clear. Go. find some sky. Find some sunlight playing out upon some spot of Earth. Plant seeds. Care for them. LIVE.
the 7 stones belong to Emrie. from a while ago. She brought them in…to this Everything Table and said…don't lose them. They were a shift for her. Light colored stones when she has always so far been prone to the black dark driveway stone. I asked her about that and she was silent and then said..just don't lose them.
ADDENDUM: to be clear
along with all the Understandings and the Teachings….what i know to be of use. MASK. diligently. DISTANCE.
THESE WORK to reduce the spread. To lighten the load for families and those in Health Care. These are Easy. even within our own family bubbles. Be WILLING to do this much. it's not a lot. it doesn't change your quality of life.
i stopped at the Mexican food place on the way home today. the one by Lakeside Gas and Grocery. Was standing there and here came my most beloved cashier….Chris! with one of her dogs….i hadn't seen her since last summer and found out her home had burned in the Bear Fire of Berry Creek. We were HAPPY to see each other and early in the exchange, she, maskless, offered that she was vaccinated. and we caught up with things and that she is now back at Lakeside early in the days and i was so Glad and we were some ways apart when she suddenly moved to give me a sideways hug….
and i realized that i need to be ready for that. Even tho i love her and even tho she is "vaccinated"….i need to be prepared. Stand far. put my hand up if need be. No one is going to do that for me. That's my responsibility.
so, yes. I am DONE with it. But that also means i will continue to carry my own weight. I will stay safe. and my staying safe will help "you" to keep safe.
windthread 
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