after a while, she asked if she could use the shovel, and dig her own hole. while she worked, Alyssia and i just sat either talking quietly or staring off. i thought she was just working off some energy. she propped the shovel finally after probably a half hour and was looking for the little pinecone. she had a handful of sticks and set the longest down, looked, got the shovel and dug more. Satisfied, she came away and i asked what she had been doing. Burying some sticks for Tay to take with her.
When Sunny Ray was attacked by the dogs, we called our first mobile vet Stacey who told us to call SarahLynn as she had come to focus her practice only on palliative care. We called SarahLynn this time and she told us to take Tay to Chico, that she only does livestock. Tuesday afternoon Tay was having trouble. We called Stacey hoping she could come and evaluate things, maybe help come up with a plan if Hope were possible. She came the next morning. She is very gentle. We had Tay out in front of the tin house door on a folded sheet. We took a long time telling every detail we could think of that might give her information that would help. She listens closely and asks questions. Then we just were quiet while she ran her hands over Tay, looking closely. lifting a foot, held her face. She went to her truck and came back with treats which she offered and Tay wanted. She put one in her mouth and then held a second in the palm of her hand. Tay could not figure out how to get her mouth to take that treat. Several tries. She then began telling us what she was seeing. Pointing things out as she talked. specific things. She talked about the difference in spinal cord injury v.s. brain. it was Tay's brain. some silence. i told her we were willing to go to great ends if she could recover, even just some? She said that things would continue to get worse. She said to know how to help her would take all those diagnostics at UC Davis. Tay would have to stay there. and then, depending on what they found, there would be a treatment plan of some sort and maybe , maybe something good. Also, maybe not. She looked off into the trees and said it would be very hard for a dog like Tay. Talked a little about the question of quality of life. Silence again. a while. i said
i can't.
she said what she would do for Tay. 3 steps. the first a relaxant that would allow her to release all that she was having to do to maintain. Second would be a sedative. She would fall into a deep sleep of Dreaming . and then third the one that would stop her heart. She told all of the signs we would see with each, how long each step would take.
i held Tay's head, i felt like i would ….what?….i felt like i would implode into her, but Alyssia, my Alyssia needed me to HOLD. and it was done. There was a long time of just being there. i asked her how she had come to the decision to devote her Vet practice to this. she said many things but truly because of her grandmother being hospitalized and dying there. How Wrong that felt to her, how much she had wanted to take her Home. how much she believed that Home was the Place.
when we were looking on the internet for things in the last days, Alyssia saw a site that talked about the high incidence of suicide among Vets. As she got in her truck, i called out No Te Rindas they say in New Mexico, she asked me to repeat….i did. She went off.
both of them. her and SarahLynn. young women. trained at UC Davis. Mobile Vets. You call they come. for the times of helplessness. They bring Help.
and now, and now
windthread 
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