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old lovers

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Cookies from Nancy.   As Every year….she sends a tin of cookies.    Alyssia brought them today when she brought the ice for my refrigerator.   We opened them and Emrie remembered from years before….the BEST cookies EVER she exclaims and again wants to be told how Nancy MAKES them….not buys them….but MAKES them

so we shared the cookies…little baggies for some to take home and share with Brinley Jax and Julian.   There's still a lot for me.  And there was a card and 

this

Nancy said she was sorry to include it with the cookies….but

i looked….who is this old geezer?   I would have NEVER recognized  it to be him….he had a beard and a long very beautiful pony tail down to the middle of his back.   he was a hippie sublime.   we worked together at that Neuropsychiatric Institute of the University of Michigan…   We lived together for a time.   A story too long to tell.

he had come up just in the last days.   when Alyssia and i were into one of our late night phone conversations where we tell stories about our lives    and i said.   I said Out Loud.  to her……I guess it's true.  I really DID love him.   and in that moment,  it felt so good and so right,  to say that aloud to someone….to acknowledge it,  because it was true…to not just blow it off as something that …..happened for a while.   I told her how he loved the smell of my armpits….would lie in bed with his nose close so he could …..enjoy….the smell of my armpits.

a few years ago i'd asked Nancy if she could help me get in touch with him.   She tried,  but it didn't happen.  and i just let it go because i'd thought….who does it serve?…..i'd wanted to get in touch with him to say that i understood that i'd been a real asshole about "breaking up"….not asking for forgiveness….but just to tell him that i understood it as what it WAS.   I think back then,  a few years ago….i might not have been able even then,   to say

i really did love you

i can say it today.   I really did love you,  Jeff.   

 

   

 

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7 responses to “old lovers”

  1. Nancy Avatar
    Nancy

    Grace~ Not sure of my words here tonight. I can feel this missed opportunity to tell him, but I think – perhaps he knew.May his memory be a blessing and an inspiration to say things as you want/need to. xo

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  2. Marti Avatar
    Marti

    As I read about you and Jeff, I thought of how this year, you are seeking and wanting to understand, radical acceptance, what it means for you, etc. It is often said that with age comes wisdom. What I believe is that with age comes the time and ability needed to stand and face our actions: how we were, what we said and did, what we left unsaid and undone…seems to me that by wanting to get in touch with Jeff a while ago, you were already on the path to radical acceptance,at least, in the way that I understand it.

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  3. Deb Avatar
    Deb

    What a pang I got, seeing those dates. When my mother died, I put off writing any kind of eulogy until it was too late and I was standing at the podium. I didn’t need to go on and on–most of the people there knew Mom longer and better than I did. What did pop out of my mouth was, “Now Rosie has ALL the answers.” She worked at the post office for many years and what many would call gossip, when done with a kind heart, was information sharing, one of her favorite things. Social give and take in a way that makes online life look totally fake was the norm for her generation. It’s stuck with me, that comforting fairy tale being likely true as any other, that when we pass through that Last Door there’s a welcome basket filled with all the answers to any questions we ever had including those we might have ducked. I like to think Jeff knew.

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  4. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    to say things as we go

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  5. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    i think it’s always a path of acceptance…all along…
    how radical fits in has to do with where we’ve
    gotten and how we wish to proceed?

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  6. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    i think so many things are possible…as possible as not….
    one of which is that we linger after leaving our body;
    consciousness, soul, spirit lingers…also that the lingering can be long…that thing of Time not being how
    we commonly choose to understand it…….
    Kay, Kay Gould Caskey, my long time mentor of drawing and ManyOtherThings, is a “medium”…meaning she communicates (for lack of a better word right now) with those who…her
    term…have crossed over. For many many years i have listened to her tell of this. As i look at this face, remember, i can easily feel that he is here. Right now.
    I thought today…maybe I will try to dream him…see if
    i can call him into my dreamtime….which has always been
    intense but has racheted up exponentially in this last
    year. Maybe we can hang out for a while.

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  7. Peggy McG Avatar
    Peggy McG

    As we lose loved ones, whether close or from our past, I believe the best part is how the memories are the cushions that ease the grieving. And their presence is felt deep within us, carrying us forward with a less heavy heart. I can feel you smile when as you tell stories of your love.

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