windthread

Those first months i came here to this Hill,    there were Ferns mingling with the Poison Oak that prevailed.   It was such a joy to see them.   There are no ferns in the desert.   The forests of Michigan,  the state of my birth,  and particularly the Upper Peninsula  which is held by the Great Lakes is forests of Pine and Fern.   In short time,  the Goats ate both.   All that's left is these in the still closed off forest that used to be TenZen's and then Nogals.   Just these…but i find them here again,   this week.

a story.

trying once again to explain to Wendy,   Wendy Golden Levett,  she who so graciously offered and IS facilitating the  Therapy Group i wanted,            but really,   trying to explain it to my Self,    i hear self going on like a broken record but then say

in the past,  i would have tried to Fix it,   to come up with something different or new to fill the gap that i've created but i don't.  I don't.    I am resistant.    She catches that.   resistant.    Says…do you know what that is?,  the resistance?     No.   She: Depression.   and i think….NO!….that couldn't be it.   and i am  resistant to even the thought of resistance.   But i  trust her and so…went off to read days about depression,   the arch of it until i find Kazimierez Dobrowski  who spoke of Existential Depression…the disintegration of self,  the losing touch with life goals and values that were previously important and feeling detachment,  losing interest in previously enjoyed activities,   losing one's sense of self……         Me?    

and i think how i am lost.   How the only thing that has held my uhhhhh,   my  Urge has been Deb G.'s   Good Enough Quilt…how it helped me go find the Spirals,  the log cabin spirals that i am intending to make into the 3 blankets,   only her quilt    and i looked on the sidebar here at the Shop,  at what i'd made in the past,  and i did love them,  those Cloths,  DO love them,   but there is Zero urge to continue

something is just     Done.

Spirals.   Spiraling back.    Ferns.   Drifting.   Looking.   Drifting ,   the child at the creek,   and then the one of me that would continue in odd ways….but needing Persona to create a sense of Self in the world,  but then the undercurrent of the drift and i remembered  a couple days ago,   how every year i would save my vacation days from work for the two weeks camping at the mouth of the Hurricane River on  the shore of Lake Superior,  the greatest of the Great Lakes…the WILD one,  same as an Ocean,  those campsites of Pine and Fern of stretches of beach where i would go….on hands and knees,   finding stones and every evening for two weeks,  Every Evening,   sit and watch as the shore spiders spun their threads among the stiff grasses to hunt their food and by morning they would be GONE and by evening they would begin again,  over and over….such a simple stunning ACT of Life 

and i remembered then…..how the year of 1987,  August 16, 17   What they were calling the Harmonic Convergence…when something amazing was supposed to happen and i forgot,  what it was?   What was it that was supposed to happen?  Because it didn't…happen….but what was it and so i Googled   

Harmonic Convergence   the worlds first synchronized global peace meditation coinciding with an exceptional alignment of Solar System,  marking celestial alignment of Sun, Moon and 6 planets as part of the Great Trine              and what is a trine?,  i wondered so i Googled Trine and read    a strong usable tension that may integrate between two different areas of your life, offer a turning point where an important decision needs to be made that involves opportunity at a cost.     put that in italics   opportunity at a cost      Traditionally a trine is extremely beneficial.  It indicates harmony, ease and what is natural.  A trine may invove inate talent or ability.   In transit an event may emerge from a current or past situation in a natural way.   Wikipedia  

in a natural way….twice

and i thought how reading this coincides with Susan Salzberg's  Real Happines Meditation Challenge of which today is day 3  and how so very SIMPLE her daily practices are….5 minutes.   5 minutes and me…how many years it's been…my erratic Buddhist Practice   because of my busy Persona   and how 

i want to Quit.   i want to Quit that Persona.   I want to go down to the Creek,   get that child  that was so fiercely,   fiercely what????   so fiercely herSELF….i want to go get her.  Let her get me.   Take her by the hand.   GIVE my hand to her,  and we will continue together now doing i have no idea what.    But it will belong to US.   Like those strands of web that belonged to the spiders,  every day.   Over and over.   I will take her/me to sit with these Ferns here.   and we will talk about the salamanders at the creek that saved my life.  Their soft moist  weightlessness in the palm of my/her hand.     Maybe nothing more than that     Who knows?   

I feel really really Good.

so…if you wonder.   This is what i took to the Gathering at the Well today.   It is different for each of us.   We sit in Witness to one another's lives and go deeply into ourSelves  to become more.   Just       to become more.   Alive.   Real.   and….yes,   Happy.   Like in Metta.   Like that.