windthread

there are MANY spirals.  i think Enough.   I can make some now for my own blanket,  of things i love in their own order.   I think so.   

and as it goes,   NYT wrote me an article re my thoughts about covid protocol.  This morning it was there.   What It's Like Now That Many Have Moved On.    helping me become easier with it all.   How it's up to me to do what i need to do.  But be easier on those who need to move on…move on,  maybe a kind of    Just Going.   ok.   

Rain has begun again.   Puppy just came in.

there's a movie     Women Talking

there's no good reason to say much about Christmas.   The kids of course LOVE christmas.   I was totally ready this year to love their love of christmas,  ready to set out to Alyssia's where everyone was gathering when she called to say that Veronica tested positive for Covid.   i didn't go.    and i was given a day i'd not expected and spent time in odd ways.   But did simply return to the Spirals.   it felt like home.   This one,  such a perfect Do Not Match.   and now to continue.

evidence she was here.   table decoration.

silence is golden

she wanted to stay another night.  We sang a lot*. and even tho heavy fog,  we went to the black spider web swing.  There is lichen Everywhere,  mushrooms.    Mended Monkey's neck.  Minnie Mouse's underpants and a jacket pocket.   

*of all things,  along to I'll Fly Away from Oh Brother Where Are Thou…?…..She loved it and did and undid the velcro closure on her boot in time to the music…it sounded like a washboard.    if we were a tic tok we would be viral.

We made trees.    sleep over.    tomorrow,  a picnic if it doesn't rain.

pause…..then,

just Going.

and two more pies.  apple and cherry again.  i didn't tell anyone.   i might eat them All.

of yesterday and into the night and on into today.    we were doing the evening Feed and it was late and growing darker and she just stopped and stared out into the trees.   said,  close to this:    Old Nana.   I wish you wouldn't die so soon.   I wish you would wait until i'm as old as my mom…    and she paused and i  spoke….how it is  thought by some that people's spirits,  after they are dead,   can visit.  that there are all kinds of ways that that might happen,  that sometimes people's spirits might be in say,  a caterpillar,  or a flower,  plant, stone…anything.  that you might look at that anything and see,  somehow,  the face of a dead person in them.   And if you see it,           this is how the spirit of that person can be with you.   she listened but then said…yes,  but i want you to be here.

i wish i hadn't responded so quickly.  i wish i had just let her talk,  finish her thoughts.  not interuppted with what eased my own heart in the moment.   i need to be ready for that.   Next time.   and there will be next time,   it's on her mind.  

it's beginning.  this is only one thing.   She has begun to need to know things,  to ask about them and wonder.   There are many things i'd like to share with her,  that i have learned in the 77.   that are Beauty Full and Important to me,  that i'd like to seed her with so she can carry them on into her own life,   find out for her Self.

but the important thing is today,  is that i am  Thought Full.   That i go slow.  That i make every effort to speak real truth as i know it,  not just rush to answer.  She's past that.   We work now.

i opened the sketch book and it fell to this page with these cloths in.   and i am thinking.   Maybe these cloths…they will be like visuals of how it can be.   ????   we can hold them when we talk.    i can maybe make new ones that illustrate thoughts we have.  Keep them for her.   Tactile/visual memories  of us,   Wondering together.

graphite on old worn  bedsheet