windthread

the pic isn’t going to load tonight. i’m not going to keep trying. it’s hot. was 110 today. Now, 9pm, 99 degrees. Heat like this saps energy. it’s a biological phenomenon. you can feel it seep through your sweat…your forehead, the space between your breasts becomes a pool of sweat, of energy. it all just drips off.
Margery Knott of Trickster’s hoard asked about writing story. i found self answering, awkwardly…..was surprised to see self saying that i have lost the urge to write, to storytell, because i had lied. Had never given it words before. But there it is.

i wanted to put the pic here of the snake. (it’s ok, Marti ) the dead snake that was just There, this morning in B garden…right in the center of the walking space, in the middle of Everything Space, extended, probably about 18 inches or so, a young one, slender. No real sign of a wound but maybe a tooth to the head. a single tooth. Puppy is a hunter. Efficient. she kills. Puppy. Puppy kills. then just walks away.
We have talked of getting her a bell collar. Both Jenny and Alyssia are maybe FOR it….i have said otherwise, remembering something about a collar getting caught and the cat hung. But also, not said, is that Puppy is a hunter by Heart. She hunts the Hill. I know that. She hunts birds and small mammals, lizards. and
snakes. And she leaves them. Goes to the Curry House where there is a food bowl sitting on the milk stand and if it’s not full, she comes to the door here and complains. I have gotten up in the middle of the night and with a flashlight, taken her dry food to tinkle into the bowl. She likes the sound as much as the food.
back to the snake…
a gopher snake. They can rid a place of rattlesnakes. also called Pine Snakes. I was unsure what to do. Ended up just setting it/them on Tazmeena’s grave. it somehow feeling like too soon, too fast, to
bury
this being
who had most likely come Out, forward, for the water that Emrie and i had left in the shell bowls

as the days end,    we  lie down.    then we sleep.   Wake before dawn and begin again.  

there weren't any for a while…i'd just commented on that some days ago,  but then….and now….in both windows.   You can see her at around center 3 oclock.   She rests in the same place.  every day.   in what looks to me as an upsidedown position…???   During the night she webs in different things.  The inktense pencils and Emrie's paint brushes a couple days ago and this morning  the tubular flashlight and Arnica  creme.   that line on the right taps in to the cloth basket there.    When you google things it is often different than the answers of a year or so ago.   Just now….Cellar Spiders….and there are those lists of questions people ask and their answers…..a question was….should i kill them?   Answer….no.   Cellar Spiders hunt other spiders.  Are known to kill brown recluse and black widow.   a beneficial household spider. 

the restlessness ….still.   at dawn,   drink first tea and look over and across at this Cloth….,  an iteration of many,  same theme but all different but all same .   and i love this Cloth…the dancing scraps holding the center,  holding hands and moving and dancing  it gives me such  intense pleasure and satisfaction

the young pumpkin  and watermelon  that Jenny brought….late.  but weeks ago….i finally planted two of them…one each in the space at the center of B Garden…restlessness…they had vined,   already blossomed and when i unthreaded them from the black eyed susans,  the grasses and borage,  i saw that each had a marble sized….fruit.   a marble sized pumpkin.    a marble sized watermelon.     yesterday.       This morning,               I  gave water to the A garden early part of day leaving B till early evening and by the time i got there,  they were flattened.   Flattened.   Their Joy,  flattened.   Part of me knew to expect this might happen,  but i didn't do anything.   I turned away,  did not go there in early day.  andso  i had to see this,  the flatness of a previously joyful Being…..me,   at cause.   I gave them water,  their flatness….and by the time i'd finished giving water to all the rest….they were    

standing

some of the mother leaves and i saw that the ends of the vines  where the marbles were,   were alive and well….that the mother  plant had sent the water on….far…..on….to the ends of her vines….before her Self    

and Celia  is completely normal today after looking as if death were  imminent and i haven't said anything about that

and i think….      grace….What do you Want?   like,  really…..What do you Want???????????????

i wanted some piece of a particular string….went looking and instead was given this.    

when did i do this?     thought to look through the Archives….see if i'd posted it?,   but then got lost.  Totally lost.  I so wish i could open all the pics of forever…as in the Gallery…to anyone who wanted to look…even the archives…are too much…i went back to February 2017,  because i think this must be from after i arrived on this Hill????   so i went back there,  but then,  i was still THERE,  in New Mex,  Feb. 2017 and….eeeee……all that.  My Wall.  And where is that little sculpture of  SnowBunny?????  OH  Yes…out there,  in the little cardboard box in the bin,  the truck bed of Sunny.  With other things….always ready to Go.  Safe.  

anyway…this Cloth….some not stitched down….i want to work on it….want to go Forward with it  want to see what it might say now,   and i might remember to pencil in the date when a Cloth is begun,  on the other side.   it has meaning.

second day i try to load this pic.    this is the best it's gotten.    But they are here.   

when you Know you need to do the Work  to get somewhere with your mind and heart,   you just keep looking,  keep asking,  you don't know how it's going to come but know it's Out There…,  because you've learned that Everything is…Out There so you just keep looking and asking 

and 

a woman in the Philippines takes her camera out to her garden where there is a string.  She begins photographing.   I am here,  in the United States,  Looking and Asking and one day,  on the much loved and maligned Facebook. see her photograph

it is exactly what i'd hoped for….it opened the door…the door has swung wide open……and i walked through.     Many images,  not so many words for them but i think how we talk about needing to evolve to meet the changes in this Time and suddenly I am freed of what that has meant to me so far,  realizing that i cannot possibly understand  anything at all  about that,  that the evolution that will take place will, …. does, …. extend so far out from my lifetime.  from my small understandings.  That my part in it is just as this Ant's….it's the moment to moment ACTs  that are the response to a wordless Urge to Do.   to Live.   I wish i could say this a better way,  but it's what i have in this moment and i LOVE it….i found self moving through this same hot day with a lightness of heart.  The work was the same, actually,  more,  i DID more…in the Gardens,  with the Goats,  in my house but it seemed somehow …with an ease that has been  unavailable to me in recent times.   so….i will keep going,  with this Sister who carries  water

i send stuff to daughter Jenny all the time on Message.  She rarely responds to them but this morning….That Ant,  she said… and she read how the woman took the pic with her phone camera with a clip on device.  She looked for one of those…ordered it.  Said she thought i might like having one.   yes i would.   I told her that i related too,  to this Ant….we have the same body….except she has this magnificant Butt…which is usefull too…..    oh well…..but otherwise……

Love to All….We just go.

be sure to enlarge the pic…look at the String…its fibers….the string

Analiza Daran De Guzman of the Philippines  photographs ants walking on a string in her garden.

 and then,  UTube    A Creative Life ,    Green Rennaissance

this has been here before.   but i looked for it.   Still a self.  inside.

Margery,  Trickster's Hoard,  sent link                                                                                                                                                                      the Center for Education,  Imagination and the Natural World     beholdnature.org/work

from a conversation between Center founder Carolyn Tobin and Thomas Berry.  She asked….what we can tell succeeding generations about the way into the future,   The entire response is exceedingly Beauty Full…too much to put here but you can go there…please do…and read.   

his last thought…. "Tell them to remember the great seasons and cycles of life.  In moments of intimacy with the natural world they will recover the lost sense of the sacred in the human – earth relationship.  And they will be participating in the evolution of a new consciousness on earth that can overcome the mental fixations of our times expressed in radical division between humans and the natural world.  A mutually enhancing relationship will then become possible as the communion of all things is understood."

his words….mental fixations…

that mental restlessness continues.  the questioning self  continuing… so aimless.  circular.  repetitive.   but i also

can't pin it down

i searched for and found the little  usb fan that Alyssia brought me 2 years ago and that i lost somewhere in the bowels of that back bedroom/closet.   Because last time when Emrie was here,  she wanted to go in and i said no…too hot in there.   Don't you have a fan?????   yes.   Turn it on.    I don't know where it is.     You need to find it.   

it moves the air…has a soft sound.   it's Good.    i didn't want it because it's yet one more thing battery dependent and one more thing with a cord.   I so don't love cords.  so    don't.   but it's little whirring breeze is a game changer.    But doesn't help with that internal conversation that has no words.       about how i can find some way to move through these new days of continuous heat.  It's been weeks.    I say to self…it's how it is now.  you need to learn how to live in it.    and it kind of ends there.  because it's the truth.  and really…there's no 

fix

i want a distraction then.   there is none.     maybe draw.   the above.   how do you draw old women?,  old skinny,  skin and bones women like me?   so i began….she is looking down at something….that's where i started,  a face looking down and the body from there and it's how i do….being so far away from what i learned about drawing,  just sometimes feeling my own face with my finger tips,  my shoulder,  clavicle .    guessing how to draw that.   Just keep making lines.  it gets closer as it goes and it

takes  me out of the heat….out of what the      heat      means .           drawing.   ok.   So we have this looking down,  kneeling body.

now what.