this morning i realized that i had not mentioned, noted, the twig. I'd gotten tired at the end of the Garden time yesterday and so, careless i guess and i i pulled this twig along with a handful of vetch and grass. Bringing it back…maybe it will take root?
it's Penstemon. i looked it up. these words: building inner stamina and resilience, inner fortitude and perseverance.
when i am working on the B Garden….mixing compost/soil filling pots arranging cardboard putting up trellis and on, i am also going through and rearranging the tubs over there. Working to free some up with the intention of moving them into the "house"…they are along the fenceline now. I found the Coyote Basket/Wolf Basket made way back in the bookstore days of Ann Arbor by my friend Joyce Tinkham. She is of the Tlingit People. She is the friend that tried to teach me beading and passed along that teaching from her Grandmother about the necessity to find Every Single Spilt Bead, and these were the smallest seed beads, Every Single One, or the Bead Spirits would not give beauty to your work….. so, the Wolf Basket. Brought it here. I didn't remember what was IN it.
an old wooden beast that i see as a wild boar. The little magic person that daughter Jenny bought me with her babysitting money for christmas. The little orange tooth fairy chest that our dentist would give the kids. Lost teeth from both Jenny and my son Jonathan are in it. Tooth fairy teeth. a gourd being from i think Peru. Silver lizard. and the perfect small bird. In the middle, their "rug". A scrap of cloth that made me recognize Spirit Cloth when i found it. All these are more than 30 years old. They will sleep here on the Everything Table tonight.
i came here 3 years ago with Birkenstock sandals. it was December, so wool socks and Birkenstock sandals…the sandals were second hand and so, worn already, a little slick soled . but i was determined to stay with them tho Jenny was not convinced and sure i needed boots with good traction when doing the Goat work on a wet California HILL. No desert no more. I was resistant but they arrived, these boots and sure enough, she was right. They made all the difference in the world. I have worn them everyday since. Yesterday the crack became a wide Smile on the front of the right foot boot. This is the first time in my life that i have worn out footwear. That says something.
Jude was talking about paper and cloth…drawing…stitching….and these are here next to me. I wondered, What if i tried to DRAW the Cloth…up left…what would that feel like?
everyday there are reviews or just opinion pieces about Nomadland. at least one and sometimes more. They all have a singular thought, a nuanced View. This one today. "I don't think i've ever seen a movie about an older woman that is about her, in relationship to herself instead of in the capacity of mother, grandmother, wise aunt etc. It's such a joy to watch Frances Mc Dormand just take time and space to wander and think and, frankly, play" Jenna Scherer a culture writer in a tweet quoted by Daniel Arkin NBC news.
multiplying. Contente. Many tiny new feather leaves. The joy of this.
and how it always is. That it's Surprising that it goes how it goes. But……here it IS. Again.
i am still swimming around in Nomadland, in all that it brought to the fore for me, all the remembering, all the feelings of Now. This will go on for a while…, a while?, a while
I went looking for some photographs of my 1972 Ford Econoline Van, Fern. One in particular. Her parked along the roadside against an Extreme backdrop of New Mexico. Those photographs are not here. Are at Alyssia's. But what WAS here was this pic.
which brings me to how it always seems to go. There is a Thread that wants to be followed and will show up in surprising moments for the Work of the Following.
i was stuck in Acey's progression of Chakra work. I'd read it in it's first day, the prompt for Heart. some response was immediate but then…a block. Nothing.
prompt 2~12~21 "a pre existing bridge, patiently waiting. Define your bridge, just as it is. What your heart space looks like from the far, solar side. Walk across and look back"
when i looked for the pic of the Van Fern, because of being enmeshed in the movie Nomadland, i found this pic. Which directly and completely brings me to be able to move with the prompt. My heart.
at first reading…
the pre existing bridge. define it. Immediately i knew it to be a wooden and rope suspension bridge like we maybe see in China. trying to go further, i couldn't. The bridge was overgrown with vining plants, thick with them. Living plants. They were too, camouflage. i had planted them. in the ropes and in the wood.
This pic. me, in the Garden of that summer. i grew beautiful red kuri squash. Many and so effusive they were, until they weren't. I stare at this pic. As it is for me, it's one of those still frame moments…that can be projected on the blank white wall. Slide show. Stark. There. Undeniable. It was the Garden of the summer when i began to understand that i had made a really bad mistake. i look at my face. the face of me., knowing i would need to plant that bridge. or leave. or leave. Get into Fern and go.
4 things for a Story
Was FULL of anticipation, woke at 3 something got up and made tea. Spent time with this Cloth. Read things, thought things, cleared and cleaned the table. Connected laptop and phone to chargers. Folded up the bed. Fed Tay. Just sat a while. Thinking. Time goes quickly and went out to feed Goats and Puppie, Talkie her meal worms. Filled water bowls. Took bag of trash to the back of the truck. Ate. Washed dishes. and ok. Ready. Brought the laptop to the table and clicked the Hulu icon that Alyssia had placed there. Movies. and yup…Nomadland. i watched, totally engrossed. and then, so soon, it was over. and i sat staring at nothing for a long time. It was different than what i had imagined. There was great sadness that i hadn't anticipated. But there was also such Great quiet soft fierceness. Our circumstances were very different but what i could totally and completely identify with was her moment of
leaving.
and then…not being able to "go back".
i want to think about all this more, it is a truly Beauty Full film of a life. i can remember my life like a film ….that continues into today, really. That's something to think about. that continues into today.
and to answer a question. if circumstances were different. If there was no Jenny, no Alyssia, Julian and Emrie. no Goats or chicken or cat. No Hill. Could i, Would i load up the minimum, signal Tay ….IN…..and leave. Go join the Nomads?
i would. i could still. and i would. There is something extremely BeautyFull about living that GESTURE.
very happy with this One
On Being. conversation with Ariel Burger. Be a Blessing. Bearing Witness. Being creatively maladjusted.
Tomorrow. Hulu. Nomadland.
so this is the house at B. as far as it got. not so much. it was at this point that they began trying to formalize the preliminary planning to have a frame of the building delivered. Plan a, b and c and maybe there were more, but as they got down to the exact numbers, it turned out that though the different places had assured they could deliver, they could not. The road was not wide enough. No place to maneuver, no place to turn. Trees would have to come down. So, ok….then they would proceed from scratch. But then, Jenny's job changed. Her job had been 3 days a week but now they needed to change it to 5. Right at that point, Fate was needing additional tutors for his "autism". She would pay for that with the additional 2 days. Things came to a standstill. When i quit using the expensive storage unit, Alyssia and i brought everything from it here and spread it out, covered it with a HUGE TARP until i could go through it and slowly we took some things to her house in Oroville, let some go, put some in those tubs i talk about. There were Many moving boxes. Just left there. Under the tarp. Since then, and then through the Virus months, pretty much no one looks in that direction. But just recently, i have decided. Stated that decision that i am ok where i am. All effort and money now should go toward preparing Campsite A for Alyssia to be here.
And so.
What to do with the eyesore?
and also…more than that now. It's where the food Garden will be. A lot of time will be spent here. And though we haven't seen any sign of such, it is wise to assume that there are still rattlesnakes living on this Hill. Tarps on the ground creep me out. When we were there yesterday, Emrie wanted to play on the beams. I was not ok with that. Today i pulled off the tarp that is HUGE. 50ft x something, sodden with pooled water. Under, all the soggy cardboard which is unsightly, BUT will serve to prevent weeds* from growing. It's flattened. Spread out. The tarp, i'll drag it onto the road and fold/roll it up. Useful for ?Something? someday. Along the front beam i will nail up some fencing to act as trellis for snow peas and Peas that will be planted in pots. It will become
pretty. Maybe some Morning Glories. or, even SweetPeas? And a good place for Emrie to play.
and so, we go.
*which are grasses and all manner of plant people who just want to live here too.
i tried to make this post last night and couldn't. This morning in pre dawn dark tried again, while wondering if it was worth it, if the pics have any meaning, if words i'd thought about them last night had any meaning. We had a day to ourselves and were OutSide, it was sunny, no rain. Some of it was doing almost nothing, like sitting on the pile of gravel half way up the road, seeing this leaf, looking closely, wondering how it happened….maybe a caterpillar. Thinking about the size of a mouth that could create this negtive space pattern. At new B garden we pulled the wheelbarrow loose of all the roots that had taken hold of its overturned rim, things under it for 3 years now all lost in tangle of rootlets and decaying forest material, an old wooden spoon, some peat pots, a license plate from Oregon, strips of that copper from the Subaru radiator and this copper lizard that was for all practical purposes pretty much lost but not quite. It was tarnished greybrown so we thought to try to pull up the bright copper shine with barkeepers friend and then toothpaste and finally vinegar. i told her it was chemistry. She gave her frequent response of late, "Oh!, i didn't know!" in a lilting voice of wonder. She says it about a lot of things. While we sat on that gravel pile the Goats suddenly appeared running up the road at a clip…."where did they Come from?" and i said i didn't know, from somewhere they had gone and were coming back from and added that some Goats only live in small yards but these Goats are lucky and have a whole world to live wild in. she said…"Like you". And i said…and like you too and she exclaimed OH I didn't know!, but then smiled and said Yes, i know.
