windthread

it might be that "real" Rain Season has begun.  The kind of Rain that does not stop.  Is continuous,  hours and hours on end.  The wonder full weather app on my phone marks the passing of the days/nights in 3 hour increments..not only giving temperature but also % chance of rain.   It is almost always correct.  Why this matters so much is that i can know when is most likely to allow some small windows for feeding the Goats.   

over the weekend i listened to the On Being conversation with Mary Catherine Bateson,  Living as an Improvisational Art.  It was first aired in 2015 and as i listened,  i remembered listening then.  But also heard it now as if for the first time.   Her last thoughts:  "that we can learn to see ourselves in proportion and realize that we're small and temporary and don't understand as much as we need to.  And we live in a time of real urgency,  where we have to mine the insights of the past.  I guess one way of saying it is,  we have to learn to use the word  "we"  to include all of life on earth.  We have to learn to experience that as a terrible and tender beauty and shape everything we do to protect it."

days of Rain allows for hours and hours of being Inside Yourself.   It's wet in here.   Not rain wet but humidity wet.  Paper is moist.   Cloth.   The air.     The space is so small.    I wipe the window off and on so i can watch the Trees.  They stand and Receive.   it's so still.  so Holy.   

right next to me here on the table bench seat is that basket of stuff which included a large bag of Deb Lacativa's Threads.

i love them this way in their natural form, when their purpose is just to be Beauty Full.

things that seem to be impossible to   "fit"   but then,  somehow,    Do.     in their own way.

 

 

These.   They will take me into the New Year.

I have stayed with that word….Prevaricating:  speak or act in an evasive way.  Avoid telling the truth or saying exactly what you think.   Synonym:   Equivocate.    Indecisive  evasive  Use ambiguous language so as to conceal the truth or avoid committing oneself   Avoid direct answer or making firm decision

me,   Evasive.  avoid saying exactly what i think,  avoid committing, avoid direct answer or making firm decision…TO MYSELF first and foremost.  And then from there , where ever it goes from there..    Where do you stand, grace?   

so i stand with this Carnelian stone that rests in a bowl of stone from Lake Superior,  the Upper Peninsula of Michigan,  my birth state.   I ask this stone for direction,  for strength and courage and joyousness. 

This Being.   who lives the human experiment in every single moment of every single day.  Who says things like….I HAVE AN IDEA!  and that idea can be big or small,  but is felt to be NEW , an Experiment….because she wants to KNOW.   The deep awareness that i am being given here an opportunity of a LifeTime,    so literally,     to being able to melt into a Becoming,  be part of that,  be loved in that in such a specific elegant way and to give back that same specific and elegant love

and then

the Cloths.   They will take me.   They are where i have been going.

 

Alyssia had to go to three Dollar Stores to finally find this.

 

there is the space.   of 3 empty squares  before the day that is designated the 1st day of the "new year".   

As it has,  this year has increasingly felt Different.   It has had very different challenges,  but the real difference to me is how i have and do receive those challenges.   What the challenges have caused in me.   My experience.   I want to take the day tomorrow to sit as long as it takes with those 3 empty squares.  To write in them in small script what i see myself bringing into the moment of 2021.   Always,   before and beyond,   there are Butterflies.  

 

Cilantro continues at B Garden.   Just now,   just now…….thinking to go to seed.    How amazing to me.   In New Mex it would be a couple or few weeks and it would bolt.   This has been months.  Enought for one household.   in a couple weeks i'll plant more.

 

and at B,  someone's Winter Home.

 

The little guys.   Black and Minion.   Those of you that are curious will be wondering….what are they ON?  and i'd hoped to avoid talking about that,  at least for a while,  but ….oh well…..

When Emrie spent the day yesterday,  while Alyssia worked on her END papers for her degree,   we had some Hours.    There was SUN and then no Sun then SUN again and we wanted to be OUT  but it was still wet from that RAIN…it's WINTER….,  it's going to be WINTER through January and into February.   Our swings in the Morning Tree are still wet.   Outside the door here is wetish.   and i thought….ok….let's say two months.   We had had to move the beautyFull wooden table and benches away.  Goats.   These guys knocking them over.  loosening boards.  wreaking havoc.    But then….there is that Table Bench Thing over above B.   The kind of fiberglass thing,  i don't know what else to call it….but where the fountain play sprinkler is in the Summer.  an EyeSore.  But….

functional.

So      we set about to move it.   Old me and 3 year old her.  I don't know what it weighs,  but some kind of heavy and more than that,  big.  A big square table with benches on all sides.   The hardest part was pulling it UP from where it was and over the hill to where the dog kennel is,  the dog kennel that i bought so i could try to train Tay to be ok with everybody's elses dogs,  but that never happened, so there's just this big chain link dog kennel and we had to somehow pull it,  the table,  past that with a hill on one side,  so we had to tilt the table thing sideways,  upright…..and it kept getting caught in the chain link

right about then i said….eeeeeeeeee.   Let's wait till your Mom gets here and Emrie,  my beloved Emrie said

Don't Give Up.  Try Try and Try Again

she said that.    I asked her if she knew how to say that in Spanish…?  no….so….No Te Rindas!…and she looked close into my face and nodded.

We kept going.   We dragged it.   Resting every few feet or so and she would put her arm around me and pat me.  I would pull and she would push.  She would really push,  not just pretend to.  

and now it's here.

it isn't nice to see.   But it will work.   We can use it for painting and other things.  It will carry us through the Rain Months.  and in the meantime,  the little guys will jump on it   And in the Spring,  Alyssia can help put it back.

 

Acey brought this word here yesterday in the Comments.  

I had to look it up.    Speak or act in an evasive way

and then,  i needed to look more.  

To avoid telling the truth or saying exactly what you think.  Synonym:  equivocate…indecisive,  evasive.  Equivocate:  use ambiguous language so as to conceal the truth or avoid committing oneself.  avoid direct answer or making firm decision.

i love this.   Love it very much.   How these small Cloths,  these Invocations,  TEACH.

and the Carnelian.   Ongoing.   I ask and Carnelian Gives.

this is the anniversary month of my coming here.   In the 3 years ,  we have used these batteries to provide life to the phone and laptop.   To this blog.  To probably a lot of sanity.  To a real Safety during the fire seasons.   There are always  at least 3 of them, sometimes 4  that alternate between here and charging at Alyssia's in town.  They're big, bulky, heavy and awkward and cost about $200.   Have replaced some.    Alyssia looked for different ones in the last while and this week there are 3 new small sleek kinds to try.   half the price.   Yesterday was day one.  

 

 

 

 

i kept track in the steno pad so i could provide her a clear report.   Which meant i spent a lot of time watching little percentage signs on everything.   Watching little bright lights lit and unlit.   Being on edge.   In this case,  watching the percentage go down to almost nothing by Dark.   and i couldn't post this.

but then,  all that while

these were the scraps that rose up.     ???????   Once again,  but even more so this time….they at first seemed impossible.  But then,  they were.   Very Possible.   and the words that accompanied the making were

Happy for No Reason

twinkle twinkle

 

since everything else is under the lense of ReView this year,   might as well include…..Christmas.  so…What's my deal?…..  My kids grew up with "normal" Christmas.  The grandkids in their homes.   Somewhere along the way i drifted.   But before here in California,  there were always Twinkle Lights.   There was the year that grandson Jeff and i hung tinsel and tiny ornaments from push pins in the ceiling.  We had to stand on chairs.   It was an incremental drift.    ending up yesterday,  the Cedar bough.  

Alyssia's house in Oroville is "normal".  There's a Tree with ornaments and lights,  stockings and today,  the entire livingroom floor is covered with gifts.  We did the video camera thing.  I got them a little Drone that spins and twirls and flashes lights around the room.  I sent National Geo Kids Mag to Fate and Brinley,  a hiking vest from Bosque del Apache to Son's daughter Giana in Colorado.  It's not there yet.   There's things in the pockets.  Some cash and a rhinestone butterfly for instance.  

Both Emrie and Julian are a part of very intense and interactive (year round)  families of their Fathers in New Jersey and Houston.   Once the Rona is tamed,  both will be expected to spend Christmas there….traditional multigenerational Puerto Rican and Salvadoran families of tons of Tias and tios and cousins galore….Church…catholic….foods….Pupusas  arrive in the mail at Alyssia's from that grandma….who is the Pupusa Queen.   They are delicious.

So…,   Emrie notices that there is no tree.  no lights.   I say we have our branch.   She thinks.   She thinks we might need twinkle lights,  i say we have no electricity here,  she says maybe she can bring some from her house.  We talk about electricity and as her MIND is,  she turns and points to the microwave that is above the stove….like that she says.  yes. its used as a cabinet.  No electricity.  Hmmmm.

So…i ReView.  Where do i stand and WHY,  more importantly,  do i stand there?

the pic above…of my WARMS….blanket beings of 4 kinds.   on a bed.    Because of how i am,  there is huge sensitivity for all those who have lost and will soon lose their beds.  Have no place for their blankets and over time maybe even no blankets anymore.  This is not a normal year.  There is Great Loss.   so,  this year even more,  the "usual" Christmas makes no sense to me.  I'm  thinking about that.

 

 

 

 

i was so excited about the Cedar,  i forgot the ball here.   If you click you can see it well.   And maybe the reason i never saw the Cedar Trees is because whatever  tree this  is born of is just on the other side of the road?   I didn't go there i guess,  last year, but i remember it well from the first December when i arrived.  There was a lot of speculation but no answer….WHAt is This?    The dominant tree in this area is Scrub Oak and one more that i don't know…it's thick growth,  along the seasonal streambed.  

I need to go back and spend TIME….gather fallen leaves,  study them…the Trees….

If anyone knows what this fruit or nut is….??????  As you can see here,  about the size of a good sized orange.  It's hard.  As a "nut" would be….as in walnut.  

Daughter Jenny got her vaccination today.   a little achy but otherwise good.  no Bell's Palsy she said.