windthread

working through that Back Room.    working through.   the stuff.     This.   a cloth i made….so long ago,  in the first days of Jude's weaving teaching…it's a mess.  layers.  maybe 5 because of the weaving?  and just because you dye with walnut,  doesn't mean it's BeautyFull.   But i remember what i wanted to portray.   a moment:  Sevilleta National Wildlife Refuge….so close to my home in Polvadera…..they released a mated pair,  a bonded pair of Mexican Grey Wolves  and shortly thereafter,  the male was shot by Catron County rancher,  and i remember,  how that felt in my heart…i remember,  thinking….RUN!!!!!…..RUN!!!!!!!! for the female…she had a "name",  it was a number….i would exclaim outloud…RUN!…P….what ever it was, i don't remember now… her number name

i cut this from the whole of the not so great cloth.  I cut free the moon which is a fine moon and i'll put this moon on the Letter Blanket.

not so great cloths….i cannot bring self to "get rid of them".   They end up in the compost.  This one goes there tomorrow.

i was asked:  should i worry?    No.  there is no Worry.   

there is what is.    There is 318, 930 acres burned.  15 people died.  an entire community decimated,  a school,  churches,  homes.   How many sentient beings…the  brilliant wildlife habitat.  So many displaced,  mountain lions seek new territory.   95% contained.   Contained doesn't mean out,  it means that perimeters have been established,  that there is good reason to believe that there will be no breach of those perimeters.  There is a red flag weather warning today through Saturday.   The Fire Service and Cal Fire now begin the work of warding off Erosion.  

Reading Fire Monks.  Her gift of weaving the thread of Zen principles through.   I have innate propensity for Tibetan Buddhism,  but as i read,   i am taken in by Zen as i never had been before.    Tibetan…wild,  rich,  sensual….tapestry and thangka…..Zen….spare,  disciplined,   a single brush stroke of black ink on a white scroll.   She writes "  at the core of Zen is the practice of taking care.  It starts with your own body and extends outward to all phenomena and all beings….to the sangha or community,  the temple objects,  buildings and grounds,  and,  ultimately the land and its natural  processes,  including fire.  it's a particular kind of caring free of rigid expectation,  free even of hope."

for all practical purposes,  the Wall Garden is finished.  Now,  just the Bell Peppers,  one malabar spinach vine,  John Lewis,  the Avacado and crepe myrtle.  The deer,  having made herself at home.  

and then..the thing of the problems with Typepad here,  that weigh in.   

there is nothing i can do to Fix ANYTHING.

I can

water the grapevines and 2 fruit trees.  Pull up the trash receptacle  from the road.  give water to B,  pull some weeds.  Try to find the drawing board and choose the first Deb L thread for the Letter Blanket.  Figure out a way to tie the latch on the feed shed in case of any Big Wind,  make garlic and wasabi mashed potatoes,  eat them and wash my bowl.  Go sit.  in the high forest  of C and Ask.   for guidance.

this Tree Woman…having been treasured 30, 40 years finally coming to be attached to a page.  Acey says we did these collages in January.  

i am drifting.  i feel….NO…wait,  i ….Think.  I think that i should be going forward.   but i can't see which forward to go toward…it seems just standing still and wondering is  what i am able to do….like some part of myself has gone missing but i don't even know what part of myself that could be?    i sometimes find myself dizzy and realize that i've been holding my breath…or really,  not quite that,  that i've just forgotten to breathe

i stare at the sky.  it is the most incredible cerulean blue

not backward or forward.  This Moment.  As is.

….images from Acey's collage challenge….how then clearly lives in Now.

"To carry yourself forward and experience myriad things is delusion.

That myriad things come forth and experience themselves is awakening."

Eihei Dogen       from Fire Monks

i don't know what that means.    Everything is needed.   but the words simply came and were Clear and there was no doubt about them.   Everything is needed.

Everything is needed.

???

all the seeding happening.   so many Grass Beings,  seeding like crazy.    when Giving Water,  i just stared in Wonder.   I continue to give water.   The Wall Garden suffered.  Most of it is finished for time being….i'd hoped that after the heat of August and September,  if i could keep things going enough,   ……there would be a reprieve and a second wind.  It's not going to happen.  That first week we were evacuated…a week of NO water….took its toll.    Things continue to have green leaves and i give water to those green leaves and will continue to until they are no longer green but there will be no more vegetables.

Wild seed tho,   wild seed is wild and intense.   It's so DRY.   so incredibly DRY   and i FEEL them,   plants forming seed,  dying  into their seeding forms,  flinging,  dropping seed with every ounce of life force they have.   

mornings are now cool.   got this shirt out…old…from the thrift shop in Polvadera, NM.   A great shirt.  Territory Ahead,  Santa Barbara, CA.   This left cuff,  the only truly worn place even though it must be at least 20 years old?   It looked like a bleach splash for so long but in the last year or two…worn through.   I'll stitch a patch.  Use Jude's integrated applique stitch…Deb Lacativa's thread.   Maybe that will be it?….but if not,  will go forward to be a Boro Noragi over time…the woven pattern becoming the inside.   Life filling in the OutSide.   We'll see.

"It is hard to know what to do with all the detail that rises out of a fire.  It rises out of a fire as thick as smoke and threatens to blot out everything—-some of it is true but doesn't make any difference,  some of it is just plain wrong,  and some doesn't even exist,  except in your mind,  as you slowly discover long afterwards.  Some of it,  though, is true— and makes all the difference."   Norman Maclean,  Young Men and Fires     quoted in  Fire Monks. *

i'd thought i would just go forward now that we have returned to the HILL.   Leave the truck packed,  but otherwise,  just leave it.   Talk about other things,  go through the scraps and try to imagine some joyful Cloth,  or some Comforting Cloth…Let it Go.    but over and over,  i see differently.   I see those words….Fire Ecology.   I see,  i think* the change taking place,  how there are not the old loved distinct seasons,  each with their own work,  but here and in 2020,  One Season,  each movement of it feeding and allowing the next form of ItsSelf,  but one Self?   Something like this?   But this is what i need to LIVE IN.  Learn to live fully in it.  and then…then i can make a joyfull Cloth,  a comfort Cloth.  In the meantime,  work on this cuff and the Letter Blanket.  it's what is honest to the moment.   

this would be an example of the clearest it is anywhere here…except of course the meadow and the great side hill.   There is so much downed wood.   Zillions of pinecones which First People used to ignite their campfires.

i cannot stop reading Fire Monks.

I'll leave most things packed in the truck bed…ready to go.  It's another month till Rain.   But some immediate things i'll bring in.  I began with this laptop and my purse which i always put on the floor of the passenger side.  There was no purse there. I felt under the seat…it was probably pushed back….no.   Searched the truck bed….maybe left there in the urgency of going to pick up the Goats?   I searched the truck 3 times,  the last very slowly.  No.  I messaged Alyssia.  Would she look there.  She did.  Not there.  So i spent the night,  this is Saturday,  waking every little while to a sinking feeling….all i could think of was that black garbage bag behind the old Morning Chair in my campsite in Alyssia's carport.   Remembered tying it up and taking to the dumpster.  Remembered that it had felt heavy.  Had i come back from Giving Water on Friday,  dropped it down there,  somehow inadvertently it got into that bag?  The circular repeating thought.  I had thrown my purse in the garbage.   in psychiatric terms…perseveration.   All my ID…that oh so hard won driver's license, bank card, credit card,  proof of vehicle insurance,  blank checks,  keys including the P.O. Box key and my address book that contains all manner of important information like for instance,  the recipe for The World's Greatest Pie Crust.   

and then…a message from Alyssia with this pic…."Look what i have"…….it was pushed into and under something in Emrie's room where i had piled my stuff.   There is so much to learn right now,  all the stuff going on….Chogyam Trungpa said  "practice like your hair's on fire"

so i spent time with this scrap that i'd found when crawling under the table to wash the floor. I don't remember ever seeing it before.