windthread

looking at Gideon this evening.  He did not come out of his hut this morning when i put food in his bowl.  I went off to work.  This evening,  he was there.  Ready.  Waiting.  I stood long,  looking at him.  He is not the herd sire he was and i was tempted to go once again try to find that pic of him,  try to bring it here today  (it's in all those zillions in Picasa that are unretrievable for me) the pic of him so Grand and like a lion.  But i'm thinking about that.  it's not him now,  it never will be again,  but the him that is now is Gideon too.  Gideon as he loosens from this plane.  All that he Was remains in him,  but also,  now who he IS is him.  Why is it "less" to photograph.    What would it feel like if i wanted only pics of myself in my 30's,  40's?  What if my kids shied away from a pic of me now with Emrie because i've become skinny and wrinkled?  What does that mean.  And how Lifeforce is something separate  and elegant from the physical form.  How over and over,  for various reasons,  it loosens and then holds tight again….as Gideon is now.  He was all himSelf this evening…his hair glistening with Sunlight,  his face,  upturned and loving.

 

color is not true.  the life form is darker than it is in order to show some of the particles loosening.  It's almost finished.  it's a testimony to Cloth making that i have needed to stitch these last two Work Away days.   The stitching has held me together.

 

and back to little rat boy.  I watched him this evening,  a few times.  All of them are extending their territory to include the whole of the Way Back.   The first time i saw him,  this is through the door window,  he had just finished shitting.  over by the road fence.  He then spent close to forever working away at covering it.  He scratched and checked,  scratched more,  scratched more and checked,  over and over and i finally gave up watching because it was taking WAY too long,  but he wasn't satisfied and was still working away when i quit watching….so i can say,  he is meticulous.  

He and Goldie come out close when i fill the Goats water tub in the evening.  Tonight,  very close and i squated to study him,  looking for any sign of improvement.  But there isn't any.  No hair is growing in those bald spots.  No hair at all on his tail.  He just is who he is.  But i saw him,  moments later,  when i was turning off the water,  come RUNNING from a distance…his legs are long and he runs like a gazelle.  Nothing about him is pretty.  But his life force is Strong.  Whatever caused his loss of hair,  his skinnyness,  has not changed his Heart.  So much of me wants to take him to the vet….try to fix whatever it is.  i am conflicted.  $ will be needed for Goat Vet things before whenever it is we leave.  Sunny Ray's problem scur,  i watch every day now.  Maybe things for Gideon.  Tay is due her shots.  Hundreds of dollars….all told.   So how does little rat boy work in to that?   And really,  should he?  or,  being feral,  is it really most Right that he makes it on his Own?

all these things….things to ponder,  things to slowly slowly understand

i love.  i just Love when there is constant Deep Rolling Thunder,  lightning hit after lightning hit,  horizontal heat lightning  all producing deep rolling Thunder and just maybe drops of rain,  and i love standing out there,  holding the hose,  giving water and feeling it in my face.  Feeling it in the bridge of my nose,  my cheek bones,  my lips.  Feeling it.

going to see how they worked it out today,  doe Goats and finally,  five years,  Finally,  they decide they can use the Guinea Hen Palace for times like these,  when someone has blood on them.  Ginger and Cinderella are in the extreme side of the Palace,  Ginger standing between anyone/anything else and her daughter Cinderella.  My admiration and respect for Ginger grows through this,  making me even more wanting to breed Cinderella with Nogal when we reach the Hill.   Cinderella is daughter of Ginger and Gideon.  Not the most beautyfull Goat but her genetics are Strong.  Ginger is also Sunny Ray's mother…Sunny Ray and Cinderella,  siblings.  Cinderella is soft tempered.  I think she will be a strong and willing milker.  I think she will carry on with being a good mother.  Traits.

what's exactly going on out there i don't know.  I heard someone….someone whose Voice is not much known…this morning…repeatedly calling…and it was Ginger,  standing just to the side of the Way back porch steps,  looking and calling and Cinderella was over by the road fence,  the kittens were there too….?????  Ginger called and called till Cinderella came.  

i don't know.  it's Their world.  I give water and love.

 

the kittens,  Goldie and Wheat….Just Going….the wary one of them….

 

little rat boy….his left eye?  something wrong there now?  But no.  I took them food to their bowl and his eye is ok.  He,  in general,  isn't any improved,  but also,  he,  in general isn't any worse.  Holding his own.

 

how the particles Rise

i went to Dog Trainer Jan's this morning.  She is reconfiguring her Goat, sheep and horse yards.  Most of her sheep have been sold this summer.  She's not doing sheep anymore.  And,  because i will be taking her breeding bucks with me,  she has two young ones of her own.  New, ever, for her,  to have a resident buck.  So.  Reconfiguring.   There was another friend and the three of us  dug out and pulled many T posts,  cut the wire and undid the cattle panels.  Hauled and stacked.  While they did something else,  i dug out a Shelter,  the base of it,  so we could move it.

At a point,  the Goats were let loose and wandered.  Her horse,  whose yard is connected to theirs,  was distressed.  She ran that length of fence,  nickering and calling to Her Goats,  they would come but go again.  She ran back and forth,  calling them.

We got as far as we could.  Jan and i were feeling lightheaded.  it was Hot.  We quit.  But it was so satisfying to me….doing what needed to get done,  helping,  creating something necessary.  Talking as we worked,  but the work being central.   I think this eve how that is what i am going To.  Working together to get something done that is necessary.   yes.

Came home to check on things here.  All was well,  everyone in their place?  Gideon resting. Nogal where he is supposed to be.

 

OOna and Caroline

 

my beloved,  Onday,  Snowbunny's daughter

 

Karma and Mercy,  Onday's daughter

 

but…where are Ginger and her daughter,  Cinderella?   I called and they came,  from the middle yard,  through the corridor…why?

 

 

'

her "bad" scur is gone.  What happened?  It's gone at the skull.  ???   the other,  that isn't one that is so much an issue,  that curves forward,  that doesn't require the Vet to cut with the bone saw,  but just is,  well,  unattractive….that one is ok.  But the one that curved into and toward her skull is 

gone.

it was an EVENT that caused this.  Blood was down,  under her ear,  around her eye.  She and Ginger had disengaged from the rest.  A bloody Goat is a danger for the herd….they must stay away.

so i held her and applied the things you apply and it will all be ok tomorrow.  But this is what it's like….to leave One's herd and be gone for the day….things can happen.  

I have become one of them.  I have become a Goat.  I have become Snowbunny,  in her absence,  i have taken her place to some extent,  even though i can drive a truck and go AWAY,  it's on me.

Right now there is Great Thunder…the monsoon continues….and i need to shut this thing down.   But i am full of thoughts and Nancy Erisman sent me a video link that Valerianna posted on her Face book page, i think…maybe if she reads this tonight,  Nancy,  she will put the link here.  or not.

 

 

i pulled Kochia in the near front House Yard.  a LOT of it.  Fed to Goats some and spread the rest to dry so i will be able to burn it.  I got a LOT done.  i found Friends,  so so many,  that had been hidden and how much quiet joy there was in that.  This rose colored one from a certain day that i can remember at Caballo Lake.  Will i Take it?,  or does it Belong here.

Gideon did not come out of his hut for his morning feed.  So all day,  that was the undercurrent.  Just now,  as SUN descends to the RIM,  it was time and i couldn't put it off any longer.  

As i approach,  i begin talking.  I call him by my "love" name,  Dido,  phonetically,  and or spanish,  de do,  i call softly…Dido?  are you there?  Great Man Gideon,  are you there?  and really,  i did not expect him to be there,  but

he was.  Just there and when i came in to his yard with a sprig of Kochia he got up and came out and chewed it with his great and fine teeth,  grinding it.  And still so much here.   i touched him everywhere and "sang" to him as he chewed,  told him there was fresh water

I remember clearly,  how long it took the Old Cowboy and  my old dog Chinche to let go.  A long time and no one can know.  it is between the Soul and it's self.  Gideon.  There is such deep deep love for him.  he is such a Fine and Elegant Being.

 

The Beauty and Integrity of a Soul,  loosening.

and i think.  in the not so distant future,  this will be me.  Someone will be watching,  someone will be going to look,  to see if i am still  "here",  or if i have gone

 

 

i don't think i can think of a way that those words apply.  Opening Into.  but they are the words that appeared.

Everytime i go out to feed in the morning there is the feeling of finding Gideon dead….i could call it dread,  but it's not dread,  and i know that when i do find him dead,  i will be ok and do what needs to be done.  It's just that single stark moment that i,  uhhhh,  dread.

But then,  there he is,  not great,  but alive.  and there is the space then of from then to when i go in the evening.  and it's the undercurrent of the day……. Then,  like just a few minutes ago,  i go in to his yard and come around to his hut and yes,  he is still alive,  and we talk.  But he eats less and less.  And i know that soon,  he will be gone.  So…i am watching self as i go through this time….watching my emotional process much of which is habit…..the habit being,  having something be the undercurrent for Worry.  Something to worry about.  I woke the other day to realizing that there will always be something.  I can make a list now of a few or more things for sure,  like Gideon,  the tenuousness of Trump and N. Korea,  how slow it's seeming to go for the Hill and that the kids start a new school next week…where the new house will be and there's no house there yet…. and the Realization was….it was almost humorous;  well, grace,  just pick one.  Any one.  There is Nothing to be done about any of them.  Worry all you want,  it will have ZERO effect,  so…just pick one.  

so I  look at that.  

 

looking at cloth…at the deep and rich beauty of color,  like the deep and rich beauty of Loving things enough to be so drawn Into them.  Would i want to love "less"?      no.

 

 

changed the buttons and felt Happy.

 

it fell flat this morning.  What's left of the last half ton bale of alfalfa.  The next one comes tomorrow.  This is the present plan,  since they can not back in to the place in the Albatros anymore because of the transport trailer being connected to the middle pen fence.  It's not ideal.

so to be Ready.

 

moved the remaining feed

 

 

stacked gently in the Albatros so as not to waste.

 

there was a rip in the new really big tarp and i thought to repair it as a 9 Patch for Jude but it ended up looking like something from I Ching instead

 

noticed Plant Person growing in the scrap hay in back of truck

 

mid day photo shoot.  Big is good.  Too Big is,  well,  too Big.

 

 

the Uniform of the day…you will need to double click these 

 

5 four x fours.  Maybe it'll work.  maybe not.  

 

nothing is where it was,  or where it's supposed to be.  But it's where it is.  How it is.  And we Go.

 

 

 

okey dokey.

 

enough.  4 skirts.    The dark,  "new" denim,  really IS new.  From the thrift shop,  but new to there even and never used cause it was too long.  I'd taken off the bottom tier but never took the time to hem it.  It's hemmed now.  The grey and light colored ones as they have been.  The light denim,  funky waist band.  Fixed today.

 

6 gores.  Cotton/Rayon.  I love this skirt….a LOT….there is so much fabric but it's light, still.

 

a BIG shirt.  On me, almost raglan sleeved.  I like this a lot.  Linen.  Wind,  if there is wind,  can get in.  If no wind,  then air,  at least.  I'll change out the buttons to the old ones.  I took off the collar ,  stitched it down.  Ok.  Stuff is ok,  and Going.  Now to Somewhere else.

i worked away and came home with some Energy…interesting….so i Re-went through the two containers of clothes to take mixed with stuff to take.  Took out some stuff for NOT taking.  but looked at a few things that were to take but needed work.  One of which,  this shirt

 

Linen.  i can't deal with collars.  so the collar had been cut off,  i can't remember when and it got stuffed away because i don't really wear any "Clothes" here any more.  I wear,  this summer,  nothing,  while in the house.  When Out,  i have the eyelet blouse and one of two pairs of cut off pants…very light weight,  the brand is Cshells,  New Zealand….from Nelia's discards.  When i am off to Work Away or to town,  i wear a Tshirt.  There are 3.

but i have lost all interest in clothes.

thinking, tho,  that when i am no longer here,  but in the midst of a different world,  i might want to wear other things…like in the old days….sort of.  When i move through the Hill,  when i might take the kids to school,  when i will go to the Farmer's Market in Chico,  i think i might want to wear some Things.  

the neckline is stitched,  almost.  and i can put it back,  pack it away,  ready.

 

spending time with him.  Just sitting.  He likes that,  that i sit with him.  I have no idea.  He may perk up.  

He is eating but eating much less.  Mostly he just rests.  From having spent so many years with Alz B and then the Old Cowboy,  it's just how it goes.  Things become slow motion.  So,  i sit with him.  We share the space,  but each of us,  stare off…off into our own daydreams.

i Love him.

 

it IS Enough.  and is in the Shop.  

the Shop.  you now would need to scroll down to the bottom and click the forward arrows to get to the Next things.   I can't fix it now.  Don't know how.  But when i get to the Hill,  everything will change anyway and i will have tech support.  Can do things better.  But, for now………..

 

they are together…invisible baste (Jude Hill)….and i am thinking that this will be the center piece to a large blanket cloth.  Not just for Emrie,  as i'd initially thought,  but for the Hill.  It could travel,  between households.  Wherever it might be wanted in any given moment and then move again.  It would begin with this as the center and then as life unfolds there,  Grow.

and the toad WILL have a flag.

Reading about  Forest Gardens,  Food Forests

Reading about Mary Catherine Bateson…her thoughts of Interdependence 

Yesterday there were so many Storms traveling through,  one on the heels of the other.  Today,  early day the same.  Now,  it's quiet and almost dark.  

Something is going on with Gideon.  This morning i thought he was going to die.  But then,  now at the end of this day,  he is just resting in his hut.  I changed out his water tub and he came out and we spoke and exchanged touch.  It might be time.  it might not.  Love just is.

Those kittens,  so bold by the day,  now attend my Goat keeping work,  attend the feeding,  the filling of the water tub.  I can't tell,  seems maybe that the one that is missing fur looked "fluffier" today?  or maybe i'm just getting used to looking at him?  Am thinking of getting a cat transport thing and luring them in there with canned cat food…capturing them and taking them to the shelter.  But being feral and that one for sure,  being defective,  they would probably be put down.  Maybe it's better to just let them take their chances.  Cats don't last long around here.    and i think of the thing about Wishing.  I wish that they and their mother could just live here.  Under the house,  the East side of the underhouse,  leaving the West side to Tazmeena.  I wish they would find this Enough.   But as it goes,  it won't be.  The two males will be male.  the Mother and Wheat will be female and it will go on,  as it does and there would be more.  and there's a point when too much becomes too much. 

i Wish i didn't need to think about these things.