windthread

i think i need to think about hope.  about what hope is.  about what hope is for,  or not for.  How daydreams are formed from memory?….are they?  formed from what we know?,  have experienced?  easing out from memory of experience ,  we daydream…weave the known with the as yet  unknown….do we then  stitch that with hope?  All this is Question.

 

this Cloth IS a daydream.   The image of the human,  so far, female,  being in graphite….or ink,  but more and more in graphite.  Why do it want it this way,  i wonder?  Because the human is so transitory when in the space of deep imprint of Desert,  Mountain, Magic, Sky, the repetition of the wisdom of Crow.  Asking to understand more.  and maybe that's IT…

transitory because of always asking to understand more,  rather than Being?….receiving what is?

and then,  what about hope?  What is hope?

 

i put red thread in the crevice of the mountain.  Not as wound,  red does not mean that for me,  but rather as pulse.  As Life Force.  in this human body.  blood.  red.

this is the point i get to lately.  When all the "components" of the story are there,  yet i hesitate, being unsure…maybe i should add more…maybe it's not enough,  but then somethings says NO,  everything is here.  More would just be more….and for nothing and would really,  Take,  some…..from the Enough.  So…ok.  More of Jude's "invisible baste",  which has become for me not a baste at all,  but the ground stitch of the whole.  More,  to meld it in,  so it becomes one.  Otherwise,  i think this is IT.

 

 

 

two days now,  the hours of the first half of day….OutSide…making space in the Kochia.  Hands and knees,  pulling.  Seeing how everywhere now,  in the House Yard,  there is Earth…Sand has become soil….rich and pungent.  I see hawk moths flying, time to check the tomato plants often for the caterpillars.  Remembering how i gave the caterpillars to the Guinea Hen sisters whose single name was Fiona.  The Fionas.   So much to remember and August is the time for it.

 

the Crows will come for her

"all that's not given is lost."

in her comment,  she said this,  Deb Lacativa,  creator of Universes of Cloth,  Writer,  Lover,  Grand mother,  Writer,  Lover,  creator of Universes of Cloth,  Woman.

"all that's not given is lost."

i finished tonights  "chores",  saying this,,,,,, singing this and the world OPENED  OUT.

you will need to double click.  right at the far end of that leaning panel the kids left there,  right about at the middle of this image

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

kantha,  the West and the South

 

 

 

 

came back from Work Away,  took a nap,  went to Farmer's Market and the grocery to see if they had actually ordered the Sweet Thai Chili Sauce that they have been out of for 3 weeks now,  they hadn't.  Bummer and came home to find self just out of Energy.  

i imagine it's just a natural response to finally having Emrie born,  finally seeing that she is Fine,  that all systems are GO.  i imagine.

and thinking….if i would go out now,  or even an hour or so ago,  i am surrounded by Goat Yards and even tho i gave them their Grass Hay,  as usual,  they know that there is all that Kochia and they know that if they cry loud enough i will begin pulling it and give them some.  Tonight,  i didn't Have It In me.  

That's one of the things i am so so looking forward to about the Hill.  There is so much natural forage there.  Here,  they are completely dependent on me to bring food.   There,  the area that has been designated Goat Forest is brimming with browse.   They will continue to enjoy being given feed,  whether it's Grass Hay or Alfalfa,  not sure yet,  but probably Grass Hay,  ….in between those feedings,  they will be able to self feed.  So much more independent.  Ground cover,  twigs,  fallen tree branches….a whole world of stuff to eat.

and hopefully,  it will be self sustaining.  We'll see.  17 Goats can do a lot of browsing.

ADDENDUM:

it's very close to Dark.  The thing we call SKY is there…i stand and look and how many times have i shown You a pic of it…

it's like that again,  so infinite and Grand and well….

and i went out to pull the tarp down on the Alfalfa block and was greeted by Toads.  Cicaida have begun….that one single noted song and i realized too that it is now August…the difficult month for me…since childhood.  and here it is again.

 

a Monday, Work Away,  come home and live up to promise to self to get some Out Side work done,  did that and the afternoon monsoon was approaching the Rim

this is the pic you have seen before,  but there was no time for a new one.  But she is quite the same except bigger,  even today and we had a gentle exchange….i need to change hoses and so she needs to move for that and i went slowly,  doing this,  detaching a hose,  attaching a hose,  detaching and attaching again and the spigot thing X 4,  on, off,  on, off and she moved just enough to allow for all this…her EYES looking up at me,  head turning.   i explained it all,  what i was doing.  She listened and waited for the slight leak of water. 

today was OUTSIDE.  I harvested dog shit into the empty 50 lb dog food bag,  mostly from the House Yard in preparation for weedwhacking there.  Dear Tay.  her Personal space was reduced so much when Sunny Ray came back and Gideon moved.  We have really outgrown this particular Plan.  And i hauled things that have been set out of place to some new configuration,  but still,  we have outgrown our space here.

All while working i have thought about the info from Annalisa,  Kaisen Journey,  about

cunt

 

i talked to Alyssia just now…the conversation moving and moving,  a flow as she fed this newest one of Us from her breast

from her breast.  There's so much milk.  All day since morning i have run the hose,  run water,  how water is like milk,  keeping things alive

how there are FOUR of us now,  4.  How some months ago,  there were 3 of us and knowing that the small being was female,  what that felt like,  but also knowing tho female she might be born to die…the Trisomy 13 flags   the 4th,  born to die and how we,  and i say we,  because anyone of us could have tipped it,  how we took the chance.  How so totally GREAT we had the option of NOT taking the chance if we didn't feel we could….but we felt we could and took it

 

here she is,  looking like she is enjoying some very personal joke…

our 4th generation.  Who'd've guessed.  

 

 

 

after a bath that made her cry.

 

just LOOK!,  how she has Grown.  and still knows me,  will jump to my hand so i can open the water,  move back and wait till i return to close it,  moving easy…back and forth…she knows.

at Kaizen Journey….AnnaLisa,  Jude's side bar of community….she put a link today to a pod cast exploring the word….Cunt.   Go there,  if you can or are interested.  I opens the whole thing of cunt~ness for including.  Explore the etimology and nuance of cunt~ness.  To me,  it is cunt~ness that defends,  that gives birth,  that washes the dead.

and all day,  i thought about this.  how cunt to me does not extend to anything Shared, really,  that would i guess be the vagina,  the public part of me.  Cunt instead refers as i sense it to be my innermost female self.  The self that bled and does not anylonger bleed,  but still,  has the memory of bleeding and so the Power of bleeding that brought Emrie here.  So i don't so much think it might be anything ever of words,  me to her,  but rather something more primitive…like scent,  like Looking together.  Goats,  doe Goats know the thing of Cunt~ness.  Maybe that's how the exchange will transpire?  and  Like praying mantis.

 

Day Dream.  The Crows will come for her

 

 

i woke this morning…and it was Different.  it took a minute to realize what that was…that it was that Emrie had been born and that for now and maybe into forever,  we can just Go.  

and i got this from my Sisterfriend, Sparrow that says exactly how it Seems to Be….

 

"since when something is so so Right,  it just kachinks into its waiting-place and

Occupies.

am certain it registers on some level with entire universal sangha.  A noticing."

 

and i looked at the small Something that i'd stitched,  not knowing really, at all what it is/was but when reading her words,  i heard that sound….kachink!

 

 

 

 

She's here.  Emrie.  Here.

no details yet.  For the first hour they do nothing…babe is just skin on skin to mother.  But she's probably 5 lbs something.  She's little,  but she has everything needed to take her Place on this Planet.  Alyssia is fine.  and maybe only second to her being born,  Julian,  who has been less than enthusiastic about sharing his mother,  Julian,  at the last minute asked to go to the hospital to see her born.  He arrived 7 minutes before.  Watched with his Nana,  watched as the doctor said push.  rest.   push.   rest.  Push  and he watched.  He witnessed.

 

 

all invisibly basted

 

in the very upper right corner,  the first of the many Crows that will come for her.  It's Deb Lacativa's "dirty thread" which is unbelievably excellent.

 

Tonight at 7:30 California time,  they will do whatever it is to cause Alyssia's cervix to efface.  It can take 3 to 12 hours.  If it works.  Julian arrived back from 6 weeks with his father in New Jersey yesterday.  Right now,  they are at daughter Jenny's.  Julian wanted to see his Nana.  ok.   Emrie is engaged but still smallish.  it is unclear whether the placenta is giving nutrients.  ok.