windthread

i have no pic today.  But if i did,  it would be of the smallest Praying Mantis you could possibly imagine.  it's body…smaller than a thread,  a hair even,  so so so small,  yet a complete being,  Praying Mantis,  it's speck of head turning and looking up from the water thing handle….where i would have put my hand to turn it on but as it goes,…….something said wait,  look,  and there,  Lo and Behold.  I think it must have been a day or so old.  Have already Grown.  I had watched,  those years ago,  as an egg case came alive with completely NEW ONES.  This one had been in this world maybe a day or two.  

and the GrapeVine is pulsing.  Two,  stopping by,  "i hear you are leaving".  These are not easy conversations.  and then late afternoon,  Jamie and Talulah came to say GoodBye to the Goats.  We sat long.  Talking.  The Goats coming and approaching,  running off, being their most beauty FULL selves….i am proud of them,  this herd.  And people will say…How are You Going To DO it?….and i hear self saying well,  i don't know.  I don't know exactly when.  I say as soon as humanly possible i say i don't know,  i say i don't know,  don't know and i heard my Self saying

In order to get there,  we have to go.

so…when?  exactly?  i don't know.  How exactly?  i don't know.

but for sure,  In order to get there,  we have to go.  

As soon as we can.

 

 

the place of beginning again

 

stitched into this Other Side…except for the top part of the Magic …just pinned….because i don't know what's next.  Will need to wait.

 

but i like how it appears to be reaching toward the form of the Grass that is from the OTHER side,  the first Side…which i have decided at least now,  to leave as it is…coming through SOME,  but just Some.

 

and looking,  i realized i was being looked at.

i realize she is somewhere else,  already,  

Life,  extending it's hand,  palm down,  fingers relaxed and curved,  extending it out,  asking:  Ready?  

the original thought was to pull the Goat Boat into the Way Back,  through the ify gate there,  to let them get used to it for a couple days…or few…3 is the charm….but i looked at it and knew they would crash the taillights for sure.  Goats,  doe Goats too,  rub their heads against anything they want to Mark,  to Claim,  which is everything, really.  Even though they don't have horns,  they rub as if they do because there are scent glands there and it's how they sign their name to Everything,  people included.  So…i'd imagined, or really hoped i had something that would protect the tail lights and wires but measured and really,  i didn't.    But suddenly,  that flash of Brilliance,  like the one that made the Migratory Corridor.

 

pull,  push the Goat Boat right up to the middle doe yard fence.  The two old tires are for balance.

 

the tail lights are Outside.

 

Cut the fence the exact amount of the Opening into the Goat Boat.  Lower the back ramp.  The ocb board was slippery.  screw in some slats for traction.  And then there was the foot of just the metal and Ginger and Cinderella have those odd and creepy hooves that might get caught,  so drag a pallet from Nogal and TenZen's place to cover that in the days.  ok.

 

they hear me working and begin coming.  It's Mercy first… Onday's daughter.  SnowBunnies Grand Daughter.  This is GOOD.

 

 

 

they check it out.

 

 

all the crazy energy has dissipated.  I have done everything i know of to do.  Now it's up to the Universe.    Don't forget to double click,  especially this one.  How much i LOVE them,  who They ARE

 

Beauty FULL Tazmeena spent all that time on the futon couch but as dark descends,  and i go Out,  to listen closely to the rubbing,  to the claiming,  i hear her small voice,  her meow as she moves in the almost dark to check it all out herself.  How we are all,  ALL,  so intertwined.

 

 

 

 

 

 

woke this morning…deep sleep,  usual vivid dreams.  Put kettle on,  come here and nothing.

  well,  no Internet.  Looked at the "tower"…no internet light.  Picked up phone,  no dial tone.  Looked out the window.  No world.  No world beyond the immediate space of the yards.  Beyond,  the horse pasture next door,  the alfalfa fields,  the road beyond,  the over the freeway foothills,  on to the RIM.  Gone.   A dense grey FOG.  No shapes.  Nothing.  I thought….wouldn't you know it.

Drank my tea quietly,  thinking.  This is how it could have been.  Presuming this to be temporary,  this morning,      but,  letting myself realize that this is how it could have been.  Actually, still   could BE.  

Many people around here live without Internet.  Many in the World live without Internet.  Up on the Navajo Nation Alamo Rez there is no Internet.   It's something to take in.  How little you would know and be affected by the rest of the world.  Your world would be your yard.

So that,  but also it stood in contrast to what's happening now.  The singularity of it,  the isolation,  compared to what we in these last months have conjured.  The contrast…bas~relief….  Here with Tay and Tazmeena.  No larger world.   There,  that Hill,  all we imagine.

But it was Sydney's birthday and she'd called the other day for me to come for breakfast.  So i just went and we had spinach/kale/cheese balls,  sauteed zuchinni ,  and when Jamie came,  Talulah's other mother,  she made quinoi waffles with whipped cream and strawberries.  Sheila,  Sydney's marriage  partner made a secret coffee.  Then Pat came.  I really had never met Pat but have heard her name over and over from them,  Pat has been a long time friend and i immediately liked Pat because she was my age and even more,  My SIZE.   So we sat at the really small kitchen table and on the steps down into the kitchen and ate with our fingers and  then i went out back with Talulah and the dogs and watched her,  who is almost now 13 years old do cartwheels and headstands.  I found that so totally satisfying.  We didn't talk much.  But it was so totally satisfying.  I told her about Emrie.  And how watching her,  i thought about how Emrie one day will be almost 13.  

When i got home the Internet was back with it's green steady eye.  The phone.  Almost as if it hadn't happened.

Travis and Everett came and finished off the electric on the Horse Trailer.  Put the new tires on,  minus one lug nut that was back at Travis' home in a pocket somewhere.  But close and we went to Bills and hooked up and brought back the Homemade Trailer of such Effort.  Brought the old cowboy's truck to pull it but it's now staying here….his truck.  It will pull the Horse Trailer like it did when Jenny and i brought the Goats back here from California 5 years ago.  Circle….circle is circling.

 

 

License Plate.  Legal.  SO hard won.

 

Old Cowboy's truck.   He's bought it when he sold his parent's ranch in Colorado.  When his mother died.  It was the first truck he'd ever bought.  Cash.  He first tried Prescott Arizona but no and ended up in Socorro.  I began working for him the first summer he arrived here.   Some years before he died he quit driving.  Had backed  up into a car in the lumberyard parking lot.  Said they had parked wrong,  but he quit driving.  After that,  i would drive it to my job in San Antonio once a month,  to "give her a good run".  Couple of years before he died he signed it over to me but kept it in his driveway in Socorro.  Which was fine with me…i don't consider vehicles to be landscape items.  It's a big truck.  Wouldn't have wanted to park it outside the fence like i do the Toyota and the Honda.  It's a 1994 Chevy Silverado,  4 wheel drive.  Has 38,ooo miles on it which includes the trip Jenny and i made to California and back 5 years ago with the Goats.  I just told him i needed it for the weekend.  Didn't tell him the truth till we'd made it back.  

 

 

so…two days.  overcast or actually raining.  Cold.  Which allowed even more space from the intensity of the last few weeks.  Space.  silence,  inside and out.  Tomorrow back up in the 70's again and we will begin again.  But the quiet,  inner and outer,  is in beautyFull contrast to what it had gotten to.  

Two things to note.

on the 24th i received the box from Taking Root.  Things Cynthia had intuited to send.  One of which was Tension Release.  a tincture.  "to support the relaxation of mind and body".  Organic alcohol, glycerin, Skullcap,  Passionflower,  Motherwort,  Blue Vervain and Rose Petals.    How to use:  2 – 5 droppers full.  Straight or to a small glass of water.  Repeat every 30 minutes or as needed.  Up to 25 droppers per day.  That first day i put 2 droppers full in maybe 2 Tbs of water…..went about the evening feeding.  Somewhere along the line in that i realized that i wasn't BUZZING…wasn't uh,  "wired" but more my regular self.  ok.   Woke next morning and again,  the rush of adrenalin…this was during the time that the use of the Goat trailer could be denied.   2 droppers full.  same response.  And then, once more,  the next morning…the morning of taking all the PROOF  to MVD.    So i can say this.  Once again,  Lani of Taking Root is Herbalista Supreme.  Because of my sensibilities,  any allopathic "medicine" is not an option.  Because of my own physical make up,  i need,  need to rely on my own Self to find my way.  Just how it is.  Always HAS been.  no need to try to make anything OF that,  it just is.  For me.  Everyone needs to find their way for themSelves and it differs.  Heart to heart Body to body.  I have no blanket judgement.  We all know ourSelves best.  But to say that this tincture WORKS.  it WORKS.  for me,  in an unprecedented  time,  so much riding on my Going…so many lives….the overwhelm of that Need.  and i was flailing.  The Tension Release allowed me to gain some equilibrium from the overwhelm of the physical body.  I wish it were not so.  I wish i could have accomplished it with just Sitting,  Breathing,  Being.  But i couldn't.  maybe if there is a next time,  maybe i might be able to,  but this time,  i am grateful for that release.  Like a spell was broken.

Then the second thing was yesterday.  Sometimes SoundsTrue comes into the email in box.  There was a mail about Eckhart Tolle's  seminar in Australia.  I have loved him since a long time, but do not follow his work.  It is so similar to Buddhism.  But i kept passing by that Email until i thought there was a reason.  Clicked it and there was an online synopsis of this current teaching.  Listened to some and to the "webinar" at the end…webinar,  a word that makes me cringe…. but 

he talked about the incessant voice of the mind and talked about a tool….   To take one's attention INTO the hands…our physical hands…take the attention There…   FEEL the hands…hands the physical beauty of the hands…Feel them.   Feel the feet,  the beingness of the feet…FEEL the feet,  he said that if we are intensely focused on feeling what our hands/feet FEEL like,  then in those moments,  we are UnAble to have other thoughts.  I 've tried this a few times and it's True.  Will work with this.  

Just now it began raining Again.  eeeee.  a cloud burst.    But there's tomorrow.

 

this is in the lower,  lowest,  left of the Diaries Cloth Other Side.  Where we are now.  For the Going.

the point of Beginning.

Just hung up from Alyssia's progress report.  They worked all day.  Set those gate posts for the Buck half of the Goat Forest.  Hauled river rock for the French Drains.  Pounded t posts.  stretched fencing.

i wonder what Emrie imagines as she floats in her water world.  Listening.  Feeling.  with her growing brain,  listening  Soul.   We will have so many stories to tell her of this time when she is Here and Not Yet.  

 

 

 

 

 

but still….so much to understand,  to well…just see.

 

in the morning.  For the first time i know of,  Oona is ON the right side branch of the fallen Tree.  It's UP…about 3 ft above the earth…she must have jumped up on the base and walked out there.  Everyone appears to be taking no notice,  but that's just deceptive.  They knew.

 

 

late morning,  it was Onday.  Onday and Arctica challenging.  All through the afternoon.  and

inspired by it all,  Just Going and Celia.  Look at her beauty Full form,  Just Going,  her head butting form.  Just Going who has been experiencing some kind of very quiet challenge over the last few weeks…waiting always to be the last to come through the cooridor,  being chased away from feed bowls,  being the last in the order of things.   Usually there is just upper and lower.  groups.  but it's been Just Going…in some separate category and one that she was buying into for whatever reason.

Look at her beautyFULL   FORM,  focused,  heading in for the hit.  

All this.  so deliberate but so just like talking.  Communication.  The contacts were sure,  but soft.  Easy.

 

Took the Magic Diaries down and began cutting off all the stray threads to make space for what is NOW.

 

it looks like acres…miles….such an Expanse of just going

 

i took this pic for Alyssia,  actually.  To show her my effort of practice packing.  But then thought….

 

looked at it and wondered…What would CHANGE

if i was smiling?  Double Click

 

they met today with a local Solar Company…local being really local,  Oroville.  He loved the Hill and saw only potential.  The Electric company charges $1,200 to even come to give an estimate for running electric power.  What it costs is a mystery until you pay that amount.  Non refundable if you decide you don't have enough money.   This local Solar guy will submit an estimate to them on Monday.  Being local and being  "small" it's all up front.  Other larger Solar companies have payment plans.   It's my HOPE that the amount given on Monday can happen.  I'm not so much at all about payments.  They are a drag on energy.  So if anyone who has any surplus energy can,  please cross your fingers for an estimate on Monday that can be met.  Even if it's a little scarey.

Alyssia's house will be the main bub of electricity.  It's where the washer and dryer are…remember there will be a newborn…lots of washing.  It's where the freezer will be that all of us will use.  Otherwise,  i don't use any significant amount of electricity.  Daughter Jenny, her man,  minimal.  So

crossed fingers, Please?

 

this morning…so BeautyFull,  so bright, so warm  and as it goes sometimes….i went to the window,  as if being called,  and looked at the line of scraps and there, on the line among them,  a bird.  I first thought it was the tanager back,  but it was so brilliantly colored…i think an oriole?  ….flaming orange red….as i grabbed the camera and carefully opened the door…it flashed up.  The branch,  at 11 oclock?

incredible among the  cloth scraps.

Off to get the spare tire for the horsetrailer put on the rim Travis found.  Then a whole new mechanism for the toilet flushing thing…was hissing,  seeping water.  Home.  Thinking to just go with stuff that needs to be done,  but WIND had come from over the Rim and was GUSTING HARD,  that wall rattling Hard and so i just went Out.  Sat in a Janet Chair and closed my eyes.  Scanned all my

"systems"

how just so tired.  

Nap.  and thinking ….now.  now i'll get something done.  But ended up going back to the Janet Chair and back to sitting, eyes closed.   Tomorrow i'll begin again.  Today i rested.

 

 

but it's still,  still,  a World of Maybe.    Rinpoche of Jewel Heart Temple advised…Follow the Law of the Land.

 

Title and registration for both Horse Trailer and this new one that i am referring to in my mind as the Goat Boat.    The  herd's   Health Certificate from Vet.  The lack of  any one of these could have made the GOING

impossible.    We are down to the line.

But it got done.  Today.  Weeks of working toward this.  it's done.    

and put off,   until there was no more time to put it off,  

 

Beauty FULL Nogal's strong and fierce scur horns.  Only one was curved and causing a callouse on his back but Vet sawed both,  with the bone saw,  "to make them even".  Nogal stayed in the hut the rest of the day.  He can't see himself…what does he FEEL?  Something…..something  but he ate in shell peanuts mid afternoon.  He's getting over it.  

 

We're burning Karma.  and it smells like incense.

Chogyam Trungpa said:  "practice like your hair's on fire".  ok.  ok and ok.

 

 

today was the 3rd trip to the MVD  motor vehicle division,  3rd for me,  and i think 5th for Travis?

all to get a license plate on a small ordinary utility trailer.

They never tell you the "whole story" at one time.  Just some.  Tell you what is missing.  Then you go back with that missing thing and there is yet one more thing.  Then another.  Today we thought we had it knocked.  They gave us a vehicle identification number to tatoo onto the trailer frame.  Travis brought his tools to do that,  i think a 10 digit number.  Tapped away in the parking lot.  DONE!  and YAY!!!  We wait more time till it's our turn again and she blithely states that it is raining and they cannot come outside and look at it to verify it in the rain.  There was a single cloud above that would drop maybe 12 raindrops at a time???????????  HUH??????  She said no.  She didn't explain until i just stood there staring at her in disbelief….she finally explained that if there was so much as a single water mark on the paperwork,  the State would reject it.    o.   ok.  so we go back tomorrow.  Each time you go,  you take a number and wait your turn.  Almost always it's a couple hours.

so that was today.  Work away in the morning hours,  this immediately after.

I think,  When i Get There,  i will do nothing that involves paperwork for as long as humanly possible.

 

looking for the Diaries Cloth i also found this.  Walnut dyed Silk Noil  from during Jude's 20th Century Rags workshop.  Handsewn.  a Morning Dress,  a 

housedress.

i will put on this housedress and do NO paperwork.  I will wander with Goats and look at plant people.  Will find out where the wild turkeys live.  Will take Emrie down to the canal and watch the water.