windthread

i made more branches.  Skipped around on the computer, reading,  to Democracy Now,  mostly,  but then News threads.  I tried, but couldn't watch the actual inauguration.  I looked at pics of airplanes filled with women on their Way…that was the best of it.  I felt something that i have no word for.  I searched inside myself all day but could find no word for it.    Part of that might be that i seem to have a cold,  but that's almost an aside,  a kind of Of Course thing.  just this vague pervasive feeling of sickness.

I watched how the Threads move,  back and forth around.  How i'd planned to make the Killer Hot Mango Chutney but ended up making my mother's spagetti instead,  in this family called Gramma Lassie's Spagetti,  Lassie a shortening of her name,  Vlasta,  which means mother country in Moravian or Czech,  my mother, who i could never come close to,  my mother, conceived by an immigrant and born in Nebraska by that immigrant mother who did not speak English.  This spagetti recipe i'm sure from maybe Good HouseKeeping Magazine or Woman's Day in the 50's,  of Campbells Tomato Soup and bacon,  the daring ingredient being mushrooms that were considered a delicacy in my childhood home and only there because Ed,  the egg man also grew them in some shed.

I am so uhhhh,  softened maybe.  Softened to the point of mush.  I think of the children of the 7 Generations,  those born and those yet to be born.  and i want to lie flat on this Earth and hold on for dear life.  For them,  but also for me,  the Goats.  Tay.  The plant people.  Tazmeena the old cat,  the insects wintering over in their secret places,  the Lizards in their deep underrock homes,  the bull snake,  all the birds who fiercely wake everyday and place their naked feet on branches….o

i am so to the point of mush.

 

as i stitched the branches,  i thought…the "name" of this cloth is   Heart of a Tree.  Heart of a Tree.

and then late in the day,  there is a Question from Acey in the comments yesterday and i felt it like how it might feel to have that cardiac defibrillator applied to my mush.  She asks:

"What, exactly,  has to be "made okay" about the drawing element?  are you talking about something compositional, styalistic, some type of inner narrator who has a rule the drawing element is breaking, or is it something else entirely?"

this question brought me to where i AM.  Here.  doing what i do.  For whatever reason.

i felt the question as enlivening,  energizing.  

i don't know i have an answer but i love asking self the question and going there to wonder exactly what i DO mean?

i think some of all those things.  composition, style, rules.  I have no cloth background except Jude.  Spirit Cloth.  Spirit Cloth is my world.  I don't go other places on the internet,  except for like Judy Martin which is another world entirely,  or Saskia's world which is closer to me but still ….not the drawing.  Maybe there are others Out There that draw and stitch,  one next to the other????  I don't know.  So mostly it's a matter of not having a Niche?  not having Others who are like me?   How we like to feel like we have Clan?  

So i am loving this question because it is company for me in what i'm doing,  a question can be really great Company.  I want what i make to be congruent.  to be Coherent, maybe is a better word.  I want the images of the Cloth to Flow.  to be a pleasing flow,  eye and heart,  and in this flow,  to tell some story that is universal enough that anyone who looks can feel it.  

so i'll come back to this tomorrow.  Tonight i am a little sick and also decided that on inauguration day it might be ok to have a glass of wine at 4 oclock.  which sets the tone.

Thank you Acey.

a tree is Slow

 

OH!  i see something as this pic Unfolds here on this screen in just this moment.  something i hadn't seen at all when the Cloth is in hand…

an Answer to the feeling that the tree stitching is going to be Heavy with all the rest.  Now, how the trunk can remain somewhat as is  inside,  with maybe just those Messages that were/are from my Real People?????????

OH!!!!!!!!  Can it go that way???????  Tomorrow,  tomorrow………………………….eee

getting up and down from the stitching

 

i go to the WALL and look at this.  How will it go,  can,  it go,  combining the line drawings with cloth?

and from Mo's comment yesterday,  on this night,  the eve of the first day of the next for my America,

"Sometimes it seems to me that, in the end, the only thing people have got going for them is imagination.  At times of great darkness,  everything around us becomes symbolic, poetic, archetypal.  Perhaps  this is what dreaming and art are for."

Helen Garner    Everywhere I Look

THANK YOU, Mo

 

I got called last minute yesterday to do cat duty at Allans today and tomorrow.  He left money on the counter, as he does.  But….there,  just a bit away,  was a perfectly ripe mango and a few apples.  I left a note.  Left the money.  Lifted the mango and one apple.   I'd forgotten when i was in town on Tuesday.  NEED more of that Mango Chutney for the Palak Ki Tiki ….Spinach and Potato Patties that i will make tomorrow.  Perfect for me,  wonder how it'll go over with him?

Palak Ki Tiki

red boiling potatoes,  fresh spinach, fresh serano chili,  fresh cilantro,  garam masala, cayenne, lemon juice,  chickpea flour,  grape seed oil.

Medicine Food  and with the Hot oh so Hot Mango Chutney,  hopefully,  Medicine to carry me through and into what's next.

 

which for and in its self is Something.   and i can tell it's January because all this rises to the top of the pile

 

there's another one…The Zen of Gardening….in the high and arid west….David Wann

yesterday, the calendar,  today these.  Going Forward by circling around back again.  Beginning again.  Always,  beginning again.  How planting and growing is the foundation to the worlds i have lived in and live in now,  imagine living in Always.  Planting and Growing.  the Primary thing.   I do what i do OutSide now in this resting month with an eye to what to do Next.  How i might do it better this time.  Its like that.  Every year.  

I wake in the morning and turn this Thing on,  see if any one has come with words,  go on to click the News,  with the hope of at least One Good Thing and then getting up and beginning the day Here, starting the fire because it's  January.  For me,  not the most inspiring month.  

 

 

today Obama gave his last news conference.  I watch in its entirety.  it's said that it "brimmed with optimism".   that he was upbeat,  how he says to his daughters,  "it's not the end of the world till it's the end of the world"  How he has great faith in the young ones.

 

2 things with the Cloth.  The first being i'd forgotten that that top piece had been folded under.  i unfolded and ????  Second,  the surprise of a TREE.  i am not fond of the RED splotch but there was never a question that it should remain and today,  out from it is a Tree.   ???

 

 

BeautyFULL  Onday.   How they won't eat feed that has 3 raindrops but stretch to consume bark that is wet.  Exposing an entire tree of Messages from my True People.   Will take pics of those.

 

 

BUT…this came.

 

could not be at a more perfect time.  I get one every year for a while now.  Have sent them to Daughter.  This year i got two.  One for her, one for me.    I will use the Astronomy calendar for the Wall calendar,  the day to day business of life,  but this one,  i'll keep to hold in my hands.  Hold in my heart.

Permaculture blog   Richard Telford,  who lives at Abdallah House in Seymour, Central Victoria.

 

 

the walls are made of pallets. " with upcycled foam and light clay straw for insulation.  A heavy rendering of clay cob provides thermal mass which is finished with a thin natural plaster called alis to protect the surface."  Can you see me here???????????????????????????

 

i've worked like this,  baby on back.  I can do it again.

 

working Together

 

so i hold these images and realize (i think) that i can Go.  that it will be as it needs to be.  this, referring to leaving here and going to California where most of my kids are.  It's time.  as Wendy's child said,

"tell the new mexico grandmother she's got lizards in her imagination and she should go somewhere else to live now"  

Stuff's Good.

Dream update:  so last night it was kindof about sex.  it was a Johnny Depp kind of person who was there,  it was unclear whether he had already been a sex partner or just was iminant,  but there was a lot with him and he had brought me a LARGE aquarium thing….but a terrarium really,  large,   like maybe 6ft long and 2ft high and it was lit with a soft red light and in it were various life forms…the one most prominent,  like some kind of creature that went in and out of shell homes,  like the hermit crabs the kids had,  but there were also many many more life forms 

 

 

again,  needed to photograph under the sewing lamp light…so overcast OutSide,  and you really can't see that i tried to adjust the skin color on the dream figure,  added some Willow,  the Inktense pencils,  and it was a good beginning,  but more is needed.

Everything is stitched in place except for that 3rd top piece…What exactly IS it?  What wants to be there?  Waiting to find out.

and it was plain to see today that this isn't about my present dreaming,  but almost some kind of

Asking

for what i would like the dreamtime to be…   

My dreams are so intense and constant.  It's like i don't sleep,  but go to that Other place and live a life there,  no less than the one during waking.  It's intense.  Action packed.  Sensory. Vivid.  I have long conversations,  we do and make many things,  there is sound, smell, color,  sensation.  Well,  like another Life entirely.  But it's often uhhh, dumb.  One example that comes to mind is maybe a week or so ago,  there were many women…like say 12,  and we were creating clothing,  just putting pieces of things together in many ways,  all manner of fanciful things, really,  and then all of a sudden,  that was over and we had to push everything to the side of the place we were in,  which was kind of the size of a football field but inside,  and what was next was bicycles and everyone was given a bicycle repair kit.

so you see what i mean?  WHY?  and almost always interspersed in these kinds of things,  there are children or babies to care for.  It's Crazy.  and i have a lot of Sex dreams which are kind of nice,  but ????????????????????

so.   What is it i'm doing here making this Cloth….?????   don't know,  but today i thought it's kind of an Asking.  Can it be different?  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nanette linked me to a sustainable farm blog,  https://the kitchensgarden.com   Cecilia Mary Gunther who farms somewhere in Illinois.  She posts every day.   I read her every morning on rising.  She has Zillions of readers,  literally.  Her post today was 12 tips for new bloggers.  Most of which were easy,  but then we got to the one about …..happy.  Be positive she says.  Enough hammers on our heads.  Engage,  Chat,  Smile.  Which brings me to i think the comment to Acey about being Serious,  ….. I am.  I am serious.  I am often Happy.  Sometimes even Joyous.  I more than anything LOVE many many things.  But i am not much for chatting in some engaging way.  I just rattle on.  

 

so it's taken all this time,  which really, isn't any time at all,  but seems like a lot of time,  to understand why i am so taken by this pic of self i took and put here yesterday.  I enlarged it and took another of the enlargement on the computer screen this morning

 

i was talking to Alyssia and we were thinking about why i am so interested in this and it didn't come when we were talking,  but just now,  after we hung up….

it's that this is the ME in my dreams.  the ME who dreams,  who is in the middle of all of the dreams that i dream so busily every single night,  more busy often than any day might be.   There are old lovers,  there is often lately, my Mother,  there are many women in the dreams and this is the me in the dreams i dream.  Why this is particularly important now,  i have no clue.  But i look at this image and know it to be me and know it to be the me that shares some kind of life with many others.  Real and Dream others.  This is she who GOES.  even more than in the light of day.  OK.  OK.  and ok.

It RAINED all night.  NON STOP.  BUCKETS of RAIN dumped down

 

Lake front property.  MISERABLE for Goats.  It continued all day,  like ALL day,  not in buckets,  but steady.  Steady rain.  It's not that they are picky,  it's that for some reason,  eating wet feed isn't good.  and wet feed was all there was.  They kept standing there looking at me like i could make it different,  make it ok.  I couldn't.

 

i sat,  stood,  sat with this Cloth all day long…taking things away,  putting them back and in the end the only thing stitched on was the 

magician

that oh so small image…size of a postage stamp…made square…ish.  stitched.  firm.  the vagueness,  the small ephemeral quality of it.   Liminal.  Threshold.  This image,  probably never the same because how Could it Be?,  will continue.  the magician. 

began like this

 

 

and then…i don't know why,  though she is sleeping/dreaming,  she is holding a flag.  ???

 

and this very small figure…drawn with ink,  then bled with turpentine.  Barely discernible but some kind of magician.  i want to make this square.  Why all squares when i am so much a circle person?

and then….

 

a double click might be good.  Don't know till i poke Publish.  Maybe.  And i don't know at all why the urge for this.  Pulled the mirror out from behind the shelves in the bedroom.  Windex.  then this selfie… in my daily outfit for a couple months now.  a pair of camouflage pants,  boy's size,  from the Thrift Shop.  over leggings.  always the grey longsleeve shirt,  i have a few,  and the T shirt over these changes as need be.   i like the roominess of the pants.  more comfortable than levis and also,  since it's kind of a forest floor/leaf litter motif,  i guess they are hunting pants, ….nothing "shows".    This is what i wear.  Every day.  But Why the pic?  i don't know.  I watch all the gatherings of people across the country to stand for what they stand for this Saturday before Martin Luther King day and in the days preceding the day of Shame in the capitol of the United States of America.  There is such an URGE to call Travis to stay here,  get in the car and drive to Be There.  To Stand.  Car wouldn't make it.   I wouldn't leave Tay and the Goats.   So maybe i wanted to just look at this person i am in the moment.  Document her.  in this moment.  Me.  January, 2017.  a time like none i have ever known.

 

 

the ROOM has been quite orderly for a while now.  Since i went through everything and put like colors in their own baskets….when was that?  seems like a long time ago.   …in their own baskets as opposed to splayed out on the table,  over the edges of things,  which i think in this moment is the Natural State of cloth….

but today,  as i spent Every Minute doing OutSide work,  morning till almost dusk,  i realized that that's nice,  but not inspiring.  Times like this, winter,  when it's Necessary to live by the Sky,  there's not a lot of time to just daydream.    So,  since there's going to be 3 upcoming rain/snow days,  maybe i'll make a little mess.  A mess where cloth co~mingles and can move around of its own accord,  which seems to give it Voice.  and we talk.

 

just to look.  only the bottom piece might stay.  the other two,  just give a sense of how it might go.  How it feels like dreams are rooms…different scenarios ,  different rooms,  moving among them,  how the rooms wait for the dreamer.  Maybe it's all like dream Plays.  Things in place,  waiting for the dreamer to arrive so they can Begin.

 

 

yesterday…a day FULL of many things and then a long phone conversation with California and taking a break to do the evening feed and calling back and maybe because the conversation was so REAL  compared to the news feeds of the early morning,  i don't know,  but i became totally immersed in it and when it was over,  just sat a while and re~played parts of it in my head and finally looking up,  it was dark and looking at the clock,  it was late.  So i just went to bed.

 

the dreamer and the dreamed.   came off the wall and i "see" many ways it might go,  none of them clearly but, it Will go.  

*Addendum

there are coyotes RUNNING tonight, Calling tonight,    under this Moon.  they sound like Hyennas.

finished and in the Shop.   Feel good about this….just that much more,  combines the drawing with the thread….where i want to go more and more.

 

that  half ton bale was delivered.  Here, the shovel to give you some idea of how BIG it is.  Each time they bring it,  once a month,  i feel so incredibly grateful for them.   It's a drive from their farm and Kindness that  inspires them to load it,  haul it,  back their truck in and drop it right here,  so perfectly on the pallets.   People are GOOD.

 

that Thingy full of Goat shit and scrap feed.  Spread atop the other.  Building tomato bed for spring. and really,  how it is that half ton of alfalfa,  eaten,  digested,  Given as manure.  How much a circle it is….how really Grand.

 

 

and as Yvette reminded me…it was a Three Peanut Day for Gideon.  I love how my shadow goes so straight to his Heart.

Life here is so Good and True and Fine.   it was 65 today.  SUN.  no WIND.  and though it's not normal,  i receive it with joy.  What might come will.  But today,  well…a 3 peanut day all around.